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UNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA 



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MSS. and other Communications, except those of an unappreciative character, 

should be addressed to The Editors, Corpus Christi College, Oxford. 

All abuse, etc., should be addressed to ITS IMMANENCE, 

THE ABSOLUTE, c/o The Universe, Anywhere Else. 

New Series. Special Illustrated Christmas Number, 1901. 

iVl 1 IN L^/ K UNIVERSITY 

A UNIQUE REVIEWS^ 

OF 

ANCIENT AND MODERN PHILOSOPHY. 

EDITED BY 

A TROGLODYTE, 

WITH THE CO-OPERATION OF THE ABSOLUTE AND OTHERS. 



CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

I. Frontispiece A Portrait of I. I. The Absolute . i 

II. Editorial 2 

III. The Place of Humour in the Absolute : F. H. BADLY 5 
IV. the Essence of Reality : T. H. GRIN (nee de 

Rougemont) n 

V. A Triad of the Absolute: H. DELE . . . .15 
VI. The Critique of Pure Rot: I. CANT . . . .19 
VII. Some New Aphorisms of Herakleitos : Edited and 

Translated by Prof. HYDATI .... 24 
VIII. Pre-Socratic Philosophy: LORD PlLKlNGTON OF 

MlLKINGTON 29 

IX. New Platonic Dialogues. I . The Aporia of the Lysis ; 

II. A Sequel to the Republic; III. Congratulations 31 
X. The Ladies' Aristotle. I. The Great-Souled Woman ; 

II. The Brave Woman ; III. Marriage ... 40 

XI. Realism and Idealism : VERA WELLDON ... 50 

XII. Aus Zarathustra's Nachlass. Mitgeteilt von "IT." . 52 

XIII. Absolute Idealism : HUGH LEIGH .... 54 

XIV. Zur Phanomenologie des absoluten Unsinns : Prof. 

Dr. G. W. FLEGEL 56 

XV. Pholisophy's Last Word : I. M. GREENING . . 58 
XVI. The Equipment and Management of a Modern 

Oracle: U.S. A 60 

XVII. The M. A. P. History of Philosophy. Rhymes beyond 

Reason. I. Ancient Philosophy .... 68 

\Continued on next page. 

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CONTENTS continued. 

PAGE 

XVIII." Elizabeth's " Visits to Philosophers : L. IN HER GRIN 77 
XIX. A Commentary on the Snark : SNARKOPHILUS 

SNOBBS 87 

XX. The M.A.P. History of Philosophy. II. Modern 

Philosophy . . . . . . . . 102 

XXI. The Absolute at Home : A TROGLODYTE . .112 
XXII. The International Congress of Philosophers : THE 

JOKER . . 117 

XXIII. Nursery Rhymes for Philosophic Beginners . .125 

XXIV. The Welby Prize 128 

XXV Critical Notices : 

Anaximandros, Trept </>vVea>? : Prof. O. T. POULTISON . 129 
Aristokles, 7re/ol TroAirei'as : X. N. O'FuN . . . 1 30 

J. E. M. Tagrag, Studies in the Hooligan Dialectic: A. 

CAVEY . . . . . . . -131 

U. Spelaeus, More Riddles from Worse Sphinxes : Corp. 

U. LENTULUS . 131 

XXVI. Notes and News Obituary Notices . . . .133 

XXVII. New Books . . 136 

XXVIII. Answers to Correspondents . . . . .140 
XXIX. Advertisements 142 



By Special Request of the American Psychologists' 
Association there has been prepared 



A KEY 



TO 



I 3ST 3D i 



With a FULL EXPLANATION of all the Jokes and Difficulties. 

It may be obtained from the Publishers -BY TEACHEES OF PHILO- 
SOPHY ONLY. Price 10s. net. [Noiv ready. 



BY THE SAME PUBLISHERS. 

A SPECIALLY EXPURGATED Edition of MIND ! for the use of Schools 
(of Philosophy). Price 2s. 6d. net. [In preparation. 



This side up. 



PORTRAIT OF ITS IMMANENCE THE ABSOLUTE. 



Instructions for U$e. Turn the eye of faith, fondly but firmly, 
on the centre of the page, wink the other, and gaze fixedly until 
vou see It. 




I. FRONTISPIECE. 

IT is with the utmost satisfaction that we present to our 
readers an authentic Portrait of the Absolute, in full panoply, 
K-rayed in the parinfernalia of Its Office and X-rayed by the 
new and powerful Shamoscope which we have recently 
invented and patented and can warrant to see through every- 
thing. On (pink ! ) paper the result looks surprisingly simple, 
and very like the Bellman's map in the Hunting of the Snark. 
But in reality it was a difficult achievement. We realised 



94J91 



This side up. 




I. FRONTISPIECE. 

IT is with the utmost satisfaction that we present to our 
readers an authentic Portrait of the Absolute, in full panoply, 
K-rayed in the parinfernalia of Its Office and X-rayed by the 
new and powerful Shamoscope which we have recently 
invented and patented and can warrant to see through every- 
thing. On (pink ] ) paper the result looks surprisingly simple, 
and very like the Bellman's map in the Hunting of the Snark. 
But in reality it was a difficult achievement. We realised 
from the first that MIND ! could, as little as anything else, be 
complete without the Absolute, and determined to use It as 
an illustration regardless of the expense of the most abstruse 
and occult processes. 

So we advertised for representative Aspects of the Absolute, 
thinking to compile therefrom a composite photo which 
should be an absolutely authentic image of the Absolute. 
They came in shoals, Doctors, Pholisophers of every descrip- 
tion, and all Its valiant supporters. But when our modus 
operandi was explained to them a terrific tumult arose. Each 
declared that the rest were phenomenal impostors, and that 
he alone was adequate to represent the Whole. There is 
no saying what would have happened, but for the presence 
of MIND ! shown by our Office Boy. He chanced to be enter- 
taining himself with blowing bubbles from a large basin of 
soap and water. Some he dispersed in pursuit of bubbles, 
which they hastily identified with the Absolute, others by 
the direr menace of a scrubbing brush and of the contents of 
his basin. Shortly afterwards the invention of the Shamo- 
scope offered a welcome means of avoiding all such difficulties 
and of producing a portrait, which, we trust, will prove equally 
satisfactory to those who admire the Absolute and to those 
who do not. All who have seen It assure us that it is an 
excellent likeness. 

1 It is, of course, the pink of Perfection. 



941.91 



II. EDITORIAL. 

"Now all things were mixed; then MIND ! came and set all 
things in order." ANAXAGORAS. 

THE appearance of a " Nova " in the intellectual sky is apt to 
attract attention and demand explanation. We therefore 
hasten to assure the public that no harm is intended, and 
that MIND ! is not meant to compete seriously with the already 
too numerous existing journals of philosophy. Its aim is 
rather to relieve than to enhance the existing depression of 
Philosophy, by throwing light on an aspect of Experience 
which philosophers have too often and too long neglected. 

Philosophic depression, indeed, is no novelty. Like its 
agricultural congener, it may be traced back by the leisured 
and learned to the very earliest records of human effort. 
Already in a papyrus of the First Dynasty Dul-prig-bah, the 
worthy Hierophant of the Ineffable Mysteries, attached to 
the shrine of Pooh at Memphis, complains that the young 
are no longer eager as in the days of his youth to throng 
to philosophic discourses (his own) and prefer to chase 
the hippopotami upon the sacred river. Perhaps such com- 
plaints are like those of the degeneracy of the stage and the 
turf, and of the -decay in the arts of conversation and of being 
polite to bores, and mean no more. 

In case, however, that there should be a substratum of truth 
in them, it seems worth while to try a novel remedy. Hence 
the appearance of MIND ! the levity and flippancy of which 
must be regarded as part of a deep-laid plot to inculcate 
into its readers philosophic gravity and enthusiasm. For it 
is a well-known psychological law that the dreams of meta- 
physicians also act by contraries, especially upon the young 
and intelligent. 

Again, owing to the growth of amenities in criticism it has 
become almost impossible to speak the Truth, nisi ridentem 
dicere verum, and the deity whom so many profess ignorantly 
to worship is reluctantly compelled to array herself in motley. 

We have aimed therefore, primarily and conscientiously, at 
fun, and if occasionally our shafts may seem to the super- 
sensitive to have been somewhat too sharply pointed, the 



ED1TOKIAL. 6 

benignant reader who enters into the spirit of our enterprise 
will, we trust, kindly put this down to the necessity of hitting 
wisdom, before she flies off into those regions of the supra- 
sensible whence there is no return. It is the fault also of 
the subject if we have not always overcome the proverbial 
difficulty of not writing satire, and at all events we may 
claim that there was not an ounce of malice in our fun. As 
to this the subjoined report of the famous geloiologist, Dr. 
Joe King, Ph.D., F.K.S., F.G.S., F.C.S., etc., bears gratifying 
testimony : 

" The jocoscopic analysis of the light of the ' Nova Mentis, 
1901,' shows a pretty continuous bright spectrum chiefly com- 
posed of the ' enhanced ' lines due to the presence of large 
quantities of the more frivolous gases. This is an indication 
of extremely genial warmth, which is confirmed by the fact 
that even the most refractory solids appear to have been 
volatilised, and to shine by their own light. The most 
delicate instruments however failed to show 7 any dark lines 
(even in the poetry) due to malice. The cause therefore of 
the phenomenon remains obscure. It would be premature 
to decide whether it arose from the spontaneous combustion 
of a hitherto unobserved philosophic luminary, or was due to 
a collision of academic wits. Nevertheless I feel it my duty 
to state that I consider it a very grave phenomenon, as 
indicating serious and incalculable convulsions in the unin- 
telligible world and perhaps heralding the end of an epoch 
in philosophic history." 

Nothing could be more reassuring than this report. 

We may also console ourselves with the thought that 
whatever the character of our ridicule, ridicule does not kill, 
and least of all the immortals ; to whom it will be noticed 
that we have restricted our impertinences. If therefore 
any rumour thereof should penetrate to the lucid intervals 
amid the whirl of worlds, they will doubtless appreciate the 
real compliment which lurks beneath our ostensible liberties. 
As for their adherents, they should remember the excellent 
maxim of the tolerant Emperor, deorum injurice dis curcv. 

In conclusion a few words may be added on the title we 
have chosen. Like everything that is really profound, it may 
be explained in several divergent ways. Symbolically, MIND ! 
admonishes to the caution for which philosophers are justly 
renowned. Historically, it revives the almost forgotten 
memory of the oldest philosophic journal in the world. For 
when the mystery of existence first began to weigh upon the 
palaeolithic Troglodytes, Whywhy the Kadical (whose tragic 
career Mr. Andrew Lang has narrated with his wonted 



4 EDITOKIAL. 

felicity) started an advanced periodical, from which his tribe 
subsequently took the name of " Cave-dwellers ". He called 
it Cave !. and the traditional connexion between the Cave and 
Philosophy has been worthily maintained in well-known 
writings of Plato and Bacon. Now even a mediocre know- 
ledge of Proto- Aryan speech will convince our readers that 
the most obvious and elegant translation of Cave ! is Mind ! 
On the ethical significance of MIND ! we have descanted in 
our " Answers to Correspondents " (p. 141). Psychophysio- 
logically, it reveals the hidden meaning of the maxim, 
" Mens ! sana in Corpore ". Most loftily it may be said, sub 
specie aternitatis et rosa, that, regarded in its true inwardness 
and metaphysical Essence, MIND ! is the primordial source 
of the Rejuvenescence of Philosophy, and so Eternal, while 
all its terrestrial copies emanate from and adumbrate this 
archetypal exemplar, in which they are immanent. And 
lastly, and confidentially, to all philosophers, of whatsoever 
creed and breed, we seek in our title to convey the much- 
needed warning that a sense of humour is the salvation 
of a true Sanity of Mind ! 



III. THE PLACE OF HUMOUR IN THE ABSO- 
LUTE. 

BY F. H. BADLY. 
INTEODUCTOKY NOTE. 

[THIS chapter somehow got omitted from my famous work 
on the Disappearance of Reality perhaps because the Editor 
of Punch failed to return it in time for me to include it. As 
however that work which only the fatuous ignorance of 
prejudiced ineptitude could have pronounced a philosophic 
hoax did not profess to be systematic, I dare say the great 
majority of my readers never noticed the omission. I now 
publish it, not so much because I flatter myself that the 
English mind is capable of the strenuous effort of attention 
requisite for really understanding it, or because I think that 
metaphysicians are too much in earnest with metaphysics, and 
as the phrase runs take themselves too seriously, but merely 
to show that dogmatic pedantry no longer occupies the whole 
ground as the one accredited way of " philosophic thinking ". 

The paper of course speaks for itself, and I might leave 
it to do so, but now that I have gone so far in taking my 
readers (if any) into my confidence (such as it is), I find 
myself unable to refrain from transcribing some sentences 
from a dusty old notebook which I happened to light upon 
lately compiled, apparently, while I was circumventing the 
examiners for the dreary, and now happily extinct, farce 
humorously called * the Rudiments of Faith and Keligion ' ! 

" Metaphysics," I there find written, "is no joke until 
you come to write it and then the joke soon ceases when 
you are asked to explain what you have written." 

Of Keligion I have said, "it is the funniest thing in the 
world until you come to believe it ; and then you fail to 
see the fun of it any longer and become the funniest thing 
yourself " ; of the religious, " of all those who take life 
religiously the Thug is the least noxious". 

About the Unity of the Universe I have set down the 
paradox that "the One always means a great many things" : 



6 F. H. BADLY : 

about the Many, that " the more you have of them, the more 
you want the One ". 

Concerning Truth and Falsehood I lay it down that " it is 
all one, and God knows the difference; if he knows any- 
thing " : concerning Good and Evil, that " they differ only 
in the time it takes to see through them : but it is good not 
to do so too soon, and evil to do so before you are in a posi- 
tion to do it with impunity ". 

Similarly I declare that " Time is unreal, but it takes most 
people some time to realise this," while about Space I feel 
that "it is strange that I am at its centre everywhere and its 
circumference nowhere ". 

As for Telepathy, I admit that "there are many minds 
worth reading especially on the Stock Exchange ". 

Of vocal Pessimism I remark that "to cry stinking fish is 
folly : when your nose is offended, you had much better keep 
your mouth shut ". 

Lastly I discover that "to love satisfied the world is a 
nuisance, to love unsatisfied a hindrance ; but to love or 
not to love that is the question ". 

The reader may judge (though I doubt it) how far these 
dicta form sense, and he must please himself also how 
seriously he takes them. Me assuredly he can not please, 
and so I will say no more. E. H. B.] 

My attitude towards my Absolute has struck many as a 
pleasantry, the point of which lies in its consciousness. It 
has seemed a proposal to take something for God simply and 
solely because I know I don't know what the devil it can 
be. It is, however, a mere misunderstanding (the removal 
of which is not properly my concern) to attribute to me 
such an extreme of ingenuity. I have really no wish to be 
irreverent, and can content myself with saying that to the 
untutored human mind the Absolute is distinctly humorous. 
It may come from a failure in my metaphysics, or from an 
exuberance of the flesh which continues to distract me, but 
the notion that there should be no place for Humour in the 
Absolute strikes as cold and desiccating as the dreariest 
dogmatism. That the fun of this world in the end is appear- 
ance, leaves the world funnier, if we feel it is a symbol of 
some diviner merriment ; but the phenomenal jest is a 
deception and a cheat, if it hides some grim travesty of 
our hopes, some veiled horror of unlaughable enigma, some 
noumenal cancan of a bloodthirsty monster. Though dragged 
to such entertainments one cannot enjoy them any more 
than an Oxford garden party. 



THE PLACE OF HUMOUR IN THE ABSOLUTE. 7 

Fortunately, however, I have already more than once 
picturesquely and unequivocally asserted that the Absolute 
is the reality which includes, unites, immerses, over-rides, 
overpowers, owns, swallows, absorbs, transmutes, transfigures 
and transcends all appearances. 

With such an Absolute one is safe. Without it there 
would be no fun in metaphysics. All the fun, therefore, 
must be within it. Once, therefore, he has grasped it, firmly, 
by the scruff of the neck, even the most benighted idiot 
among my readers 1 can hardly fail to see that, like every- 
thing else, humour must be contained in the Absolute. 

It is no use standing aghast, therefore, at the atrocity of 
some of the puns which will doubtless be perpetrated by 
others of the contributors to this journal, nor urging against 
the obscurity of others that there are some jokes no man can 
comprehend. If you cannot comprehend the joke, that only 
proves that the joke is beyond you, not that it is beyond the 
Absolute, which must be supposed to be adequate to the com- 
prehension of the Infinite Jest whereof we all are parts. 
We must subside therefore and allow the Absolute to absorb 
all its appearances, jokes and all. 

It would be easy, if one took the trouble, to prove in another 
way that the Absolute must take in jokes, without being 
taken in itself although we may be. We can not therefore 
regard the Absolute with levity, but must preserve our gravity 
in discussions of the sort. For if we lost it, where should 
we be? Not in the universe, assuredly; for gravitation is 
universal. And to be levitated into a spirit world beyond 
the Absolute is impossible. For there is no spirit world, 
and if there were, it would be within the Absolute and 
therefore Appearance. For the Absolute is the absolute 
centre of gravity of the universe and the universe is one, one 
with the Absolute. Whoever denies or doubts this should 
be condemned to recite my Postulate 10,000 times before 
breakfast. 

'But appearances,' you say, 'are against the Absolute.' 
What of that? How could they be anything else? And 
where would the fun come in if they were not ? But they 
are only appearances, and hardly worth preserving. For the 

1 [Isn't this rather too rude even from you, Mr. B. ? One knows, of 
course, that you don't mean all these sayings to be taken too seriously, 
but they give you such a false air of arrogance, which distresses the 
weaker brethren. ED., MIND! Had no intention to be rude, but felt 
they must be idiots to read me. I'm an extra-humble-minded man 
really. F. H. B. No doubt ; but are you not a good deal more humble- 
minded about your readers ? ED., MIND ! Appearance. F. H. B.] 



8 F. H. BADLY : 

Absolute is bound to swallow them, or any other nonsense 
it may please any one to propound, if we cannot. But you 
'do not see how the Absolute can digest such jests'. It is 
not necessary that you should ; it is enough that the Absolute 
should swallow them, and dissolve what it swallows into the 
fuller harmony of its internal economy. 

Not of course that it is necessary to affirm that the ideal 
content of a joke, recognised as such, must be referred to a 
Reality beyond a joke, which is the Absolute. No one of 
the great philosophers, who have declined to consort with 
malingering chimeras like God, Freedom and Immortality, 
has ever asserted anything of the kind. 1 And I, of course, 
do not wish to be peculiar and to stand alone. 

So I will simply state, quite abruptly, that the Absolute, 
whatever it may be in relation to the Universe, is not humor- 
ous as such and in itself (An und fur Sich) for the simple 
reason that it has absolutely no sense of humour. How indeed 
could it, seeing that it has absolutely no sense of any kind ? 
The senses are appearance and deceptive to boot, while the 
Absolute is Reality, and has never had the audacity to de- 
ceive me. Moreover the Absolute is Experience and rather a 
terrible experience at that, and no joke. 

Do I, in so saying, contradict my previous assertion that 
the Absolute is humorous ? Not at all. I am not a Hegelian, 
though I have never concealed my approbation of Hegel, and 
still cannot help thinking that if Hegel's Phdnomenologie were 
substituted for Latin Prose in Smalls, and his Greater Logic 
for Mill in Honour Mods, Merton would be much quieter, 
and perhaps even a possible college to inhabit in term time, 
while the English mind would get a real chance of becoming 
truly philosophic. 

But I have always retained a, perhaps exaggerated, regard 
for the Principle of Contradiction, so that nothing pleases me 
more than to see it outraged by others. (This again may be 
weakness of the flesh, as explained above.) 

But in reality there is no such difficulty here. For all that 
I now say is that there is no place in the Absolute for humour 
recognised as such. It finds its place in the systematic Unity 
of Reality, like everything else. But it is there as Fact, not 

*I give no references, partly on principle seeing that it is always 
possible that some one might look them up and detect either one's de- 
falcations or one's misrepresentations partly because I am always 
trying to write down to the level of my readers, and it would not help 
them much to learn my relation to German writers whom they have not 
read. And even if they should read, nothing I could say would make 
them understand. 



THE PLACE OF HUMOUR IN THE ABSOLUTE. 9 

as Meaning. I.e., it is as such suppressed, 1 transformed, trans- 
muted, transmogrified, or in a word, transmuddled. The 
Absolute absorbs it together with all other appearances. In- 
deed it lives on them, and on nothing else. The Absolute 
has no food but appearances and without them would 
starve. And yet with appearances alone to digest, it would 
remain unsatisfied. It takes in everything 2 and excretes 
nothing. 

As food stuffs, therefore, all appearances are worthless, 
apart from transmutation. Transubstantiation is, of course, 
a theological monster, but transmutation is the ultimate pro- 
cess which infallibly converts appearances into reality. Not 
that all appearances, even so, are of equal value : there are 
degrees, and the nutritiousness of an appearance depends on 
the amount of transmutation needed and the time required to 
effect it. 3 

But to resume : the Absolute, as in duty bound, transmutes 
the appearance of humour. ' Into what ? ' Into reality ! 
Yah, ask another ! ' How ? ' That tedious question again ! 
How often am I to explain that though I cannot precisely say 
how, it must be somehow ? And I defy any one to convince 
me that the trick is impossible. Have I not stated over and 
over again that " What can be and must be that therefore is " ? 4 
Indeed I have dwelt so often on this that I really must con- 
sider it disposed of. 

What more ? Why nothing ! No writer who is determined 
to respect himself (if not others) can be called on to treat this 
subject seriously at greater length. Not but what I might 



1 Even the psychologists agree with us here. They tell us that sup- 
pressed laughter is still laughter, and not less laughter but more laughter. 
I have often verified this myself, in my youth, in church, while listening 
to sermons. 

2 [Except, of course, Mr. Badly himself, v. above. ED., MIND !] 

3 [This is most interesting, Mr. Badly, but how does it agree with what 
you say elsewhere about the unreality of Time and the illusoriness of 
the categories of Appearance ? ED., MIND ! Don't be impertinent, sir ! 
-F. H. B.] 

4 Owing to the abysmal stupidity of my critics it is not perhaps super- 
fluous to add that this is not to be taken seriously as a postulate. Postu- 
lates belong to a Voluntarism which I detest, and have over and over again 
exploded audibly. And any one capable of prostituting his intellect by 
resorting to postulation, will inevitably be led on to assign practical value 
to theoretical truth, and end as the degraded hireling of an effete priest- 
craft. Nothing that I choose to say, therefore, must be interpreted as 
an expression of and excuse for, a discreditable superstition. The way 
some people, who ought to be enlightened, talk is enough to make one 
whirl round and round in one's cage, like an infuriated squirrel ! But 
there, I will be calm, if I cannot be polite ! 



10 F. H. BADLY : THE PLACE OF HUMOTJE IN THE ABSOLUTE. 

go on for another 600 pages in this style. (My style is 
excellent.) But it would all come to the same thing, viz. f 
the Absolute, and I really cannot be expected to write it all 
out. So all I can say is ' Go to bed and sleep it off, if you 
can ! Above all don't worry yourselves, or (what is more 
important) me ! ' 



IV. THE ESSENCE OF REALITY. 
BY T. H. GRIN (nte DE EOUGEMONT). 

[The history of this article is somewhat curious. It was originally 
sent to our esteemed contemporary Mind by the most serious-minded 
idealist in America, who mentioned that she regarded it as the pro- 
foundest expression of the deepest convictions she had yet attained to. 
The Editor of Mind did not think it suitable, but showed it to us. We 
at once cabled over to the author, offering to publish it in MIND ! and 
to pay her fifty dollars, on condition that two or three phrases were 
changed. The author readily accepted these conditions and the dollars, 
but was very anxious that her name should appear. It was only with 
great difficulty that she was prevailed 011 to respect the rule of pseudo- 
nymity which has been adopted for MIND !, and it is respect for the same 
principle which prevents us also from revealing it. Nevertheless, we 
hope that the result will be satisfactory, and that to a careful student 
the article will appear in no wise unworthy to be included in the pages 
of MIND ! ED.] 

IT is in vain that we seek to define the real by finding, 
either in the work of the mind or elsewhere, an unreal to 
which it may be opposed. For, to say of any object that it 
is unreal is the same as saying that there is no such thing 
as that object : in other words, there is no such thing as an 
unreal object. Of two alternatives, one. Either, as regards 
any particular belief, we are not mistaken at all, in which 
case nothing more need be said ; or else we are really mis- 
taken, in which case what more can we possibly want ? 
When a quill-driver in the Schools 'makes a howler,' as we 
say, his addle-pated answer has its own reality just as much 
as if he had answered aright. There are relations between 
certain printed matter on the one side and his cerebral organ 
on the other, between the present state of the latter and 
certain determining conditions whether spiritual in them- 
selves or spirituous, we need not now stop to inquire be- 
tween the immediate sensible effect of the printed question 
and the mental muddle which it in turn excites, as full and 
definite as in any case of a correct answer. There is as 
much reality in the one case as in the other, but it is not 
the same reality. The illusion under which the candidate 
labours is real, not indeed with the particular reality which 



12 T. H. GRIN : 

the subject of the illusion fondly ascribes to it, but with a 
reality which the superior intelligence of the examiner all 
too readily understands. To sum up, we do undoubtedly 
often take what is really related in one way to be really 
related in another. But this is not a confusion of the real 
with the unreal : it is a confusion of one particular reality 
with another. Mere untutored common sense is apt to lay 
undue stress on the fact that, of any two such realities, the 
one, namely the object as it really is, ex hypothesi, does not 
exist for us, and cannot therefore by us be confounded with 
anything else ; whilst the other, or the object as it exists for 
us, is the object as it really isn't. But this consideration, 
which on a superficial view might seem to militate against 
our theory of the identity of thought with reality, does, when 
rightly understood, but lend additional confirmation thereto. 
For the consideration in question goes to show that our 
theory is confused as regards its treatment of error ; and 
since it is impossible to set up an intelligible distinction 
between consciousness and its object, it follows of strict 
necessity that in treating of confusion of thought our own 
thought must be confused. And it is clear that the greater 
the confusion, the more confoundedly real must the 
object be. 

What we have so far sought to show has been (1) gener- 
ally, that any distinction between the real and the unreal is 
necessarily an unreal distinction, since non-existent things 
simply do not exist ; and (2) specially, that the antithesis 
between reality and illusion is wholly illusory, since an 
illusion is as real as anything else. 

We will now proceed to show that an illusion is more real 
than anything else. An object which does not exist for us is 
for us as good as nothing: and hence, plainly, it is for us 
that objects exist. That is, the reality of an object consists 
entirely in its being an object of consciousness. Conse- 
quently, the greater the purity with which an object displays 
this character, the more truly real does it become. Now, 
the object of an illusory belief is distinguished from other so- 
called realities precisely by this fact, that it exists purely and 
simply for consciousness. Hence it, and it alone, attains full 
reality. An object is real precisely to the extent to which it 
is illusory. And it is to be observed that an illusion, as 
such, is pre-eminently and indisputably the work of the 
mind. It is thus proved, beyond cavil, that the real, in the 
only true sense of the word, is the work of the mind. The 
work of the mind is real, and the real is the work of the 
mind. In this way we escape from the fatal antithesis set 



THE ESSENCE OF EEALITY. 13- 

up by the late Mr. Locke ; to revert to which, as I have 
often shown, necessarily lands philosophy in a dead-Locke, 
I have, in fact, shown this so often, that this time I will 
leave Locke in his grave, 1 and will not even ex-Hume his 
great, but contemptible, successor. 

The consciousness, however, which constitutes reality, 
though, of course, identical with our consciousness, cannot be 
our consciousness. I mean that it is our consciousness indeed, 
but it is not strictly ours : we have, so to speak, only a life 
interest in it. Objects do not begin to exist only when they 
begin to exist for us. It would, indeed, be distinctly incon- 
venient if we had to defer our birth until we knew all about 
our ancestors. In other words, it is clearly impossible to 
identify thought and reality if we take into account the fact 
that thought has a historical development. Which irref rag- 
ably proves that the fact alluded to must not be taken into 
account.' 2 Hence the consciousness, which, by its relating 
activity, constitutes reality, is an eternal consciousness. 

And the reality which is constituted by this eternal con- 
sciousness must be likewise timeless. For are not the reality 
and the consciousness one and the same ? That both reality 
and the consciousness thereof must be timeless does indeed 
become obvious when we reflect that, as I am never weary 
of repeating, there is an absolute difference between succes- 
sion and consciousness of succession. For this is to say that 
if succession were ever an object of consciousness, it would 
be absolutely different from the consciousness thereof there 
would here be an absolute distinction between consciousness- 
and its object. Which I have abundantly shown to be 
absurd. Hence succession is not so much as a possible 
object of thought. 3 To the eternal consciousness the long 
succession of events is as a tale that is told to the marines, 

It now only remains to solve the apparent paradox that 
although consciousness is not, and cannot be, in time, it yet r 
with the characteristically inconceivable brutality of mere 
matter of fact, does have a development in time. The 
solution of the difficulty, if difficulty there be, is to be found 
in the fact that the expression " our consciousness " has the 

1 [Thanks. ED., MIND !] 

2 Except, of course, so far as it enables us to argue that the judgment 
is real in virtue of having causes and effects. 

3 1 was previously disposed to argue that successive events could only 
exist through the synthetic activity of thought ; and that, as the object 
of thought, they were not successive. I argued, that is to say, that 
successive events, in virtue of involving the relation of succession, were 
not successive. But the view above given is, I think the intelligent 
reader will admit, more in harmony with the galling restrictions of logic. 



14 T. H. GRIN I THE ESSENCE OF REALITY. 

misfortune to be afflicted with a peculiarly distressing form 
of ambiguity, whereby that expression stands indifferently 
for two things, which, though essentially identical, are so 
radically opposed one to the other as not to admit of being 
-comprehended in a single conception. To explain : the con- 
viction will assuredly have already forced itself upon the 
reader, not so much as a result of explicit reasoning to that 
effect as by the mere natural evolution of the argument as 
a whole, that the Eternal Consciousness has for content a 
divinely glorious and everlasting muddle ; and that it is, in 
truth, nothing less than what is described in the language 
of the (public) schools as ' the Eternal Cussedness of things '. 
Now * our consciousness ' may mean either of two things : 
either a function of our animal organism, which is being 
made, gradually and with occasional lapses into sense, a 
vehicle of the Eternal Cussedness ; or that Eternal Cussed- 
ness itself, as making the animal organism its vehicle, and 
subject to certain limitations in so doing, but retaining its 
essential characteristic of being in itself absolutely different 
from what it itself is, in so far as it is in time. 

And, finally, this proof of the identity of thought and thing 
shows us the moral law as the very 7 heart of reality. For while 
the mere question of fact may be regarded as conclusively 
settled by our argument, only in the light of ethical principle 
does its true significance stand fully revealed. In other 
words, what it all really means Goodness only knows. 



V. A TRIAD OF THE ABSOLUTE. 

By H. DELE. 

I. 
*/2 "ON. 

A contribution to the forthcoming Hegelian Hymnal. 
(Republished by permission.) l 

BEING for Self, 

End of all Ends, 
Something, Nothing 

Where everything blends ! 
Identical Absolute, 

Thee we acclaim, 
Though empty of Content 

Thy vacuous Name. 

True Sun of the Eealm, 

Where the Bodiless move, 
Insensible Object 

Of Sensuous Love, 
Sole Pattern supernal, 

First Form without Stuff, 
Why wasn't pure Being 

Existence enough ? 

Ah ! why did you suffer 

The "slim" Demiurge 
In endless Becoming 

Your Being to merge. 
Oh ! Where was your Novs ? 

Oh ! What was the Good ? 
You resemble the Babes 

Who were lost in the Wood. 2 

1 From the Oxford Magazine. 2 v\jj. 



16 H. DELE : 

Oh ! why did you take 

All the trouble and bother 
Involved in becoming 

A Manifold Other? 
Ah ! now you are Many, 

You find it such Fun, 
You'll never go back 

To the Form of the One. 



II. 
A BALLADE OF YE ABSOLUTE. 1 

For the usage of a Hegelian Nursery. 

The Absolute was very High 
More high than seasoned game ; 

" I have been kept too long," It said, 
" Identically Same ". 

The Absolute was very Broad 
It filled all Time and Space ; 

It couldn't see Its Aspects for 
It hadn't got a face. 

The Absolute lay very Low, 

Veiled in a misty phrase ; 
It was the only way, C d said, 

To elongate Its days. 

The Absolute lay very Deep 

In protoplastic Sludge, 
With metaphysic fumes replete 

And philosophic Fudge. 

In Self-identity Alone, 

Sans Father, Wife, or Mother, 
It sobbed, " It would console me to 

Be Something or An Other ". 

By Hegel's help It Was, and yet, 
Its sad plight scarcely mended, 

The fickle Elf returned to Self 
Before Its hour was ended. 

1 Bepublished from the Oxford Magazine. 



A TEIAD OF THE ABSOLUTE. 17 

The Absolute for once to be 

Intelligible sighed ; 
It read Itself in B y's book, 

And then, poor soul, It died. 

III. 
THE COMPLAINT OF THE ABSOLUTE. 1 

Remote, unfriended, melancholy, slow, 

More slow than words can say, 
I Was, unmixed, unfeeling, without go, 

A Hamlet minus play. 

Incarnate Boredom, absolute Ennui, 

Oyster shut tight in shell, 
Devil-less, defecated deity, 

Heaven unenhanced by Hell. 

And then it almost makes me disbelieve 

My own Totality : 
Through my ' unlimited inwards ' passed a Heave 

Of Spontaneity. 

I felt a kind of Fidgets in my frame, 

A twinge of Cosmic Schism ; 
I felt a little Other than the Same, 

A nascent Dualism. 

Was it a humid Vortex-ring that stirred, 

Or dim primordial Cell ? 
The mirror of my consciousness was blurred,, 

I wasn't very well. 

Then I forget the manner of the birth 

Distraught by this world's worries : 
But there proceeded from me with fell mirth 

A scheme of Categories. 

They took and bound me in a causal Chain, 

To cure my trend chaotic : 
On Mother Hegel's Syrup fed, my brain 

Feels still quite idiotic. 

Then as an Aspect from me there exhaled 

My own efficient Double, 
Him Cause, Creator, Demiurge I hailed ; 

He saves me all the trouble. 

1 Cp. Pelican Record, vol. v., No. 6. 

2 



18 H. DELE : A TBIAD OF THE ABSOLUTE. 

And They and He between them this world made 

Of semblances and shows ; 
And what the Deuce it means I am afraid 

That no sane person knows. 

I'm Everything and Nothing, here's my pain ! 

Supreme, yet on the Shelf ! 
When shall I be my own true I again, 

Sweetly regarding Self ? 



VI. SPECIMENS OF THE CRITIQUE OF PURE ROT. 

BY I. CANT. 
FROM THE KEMAINS OF A PHILOSOPHER. 1 

[Note : I must make time to translate the whole of this eye-opening 
work, being deeply sensible that to publish such bare outlines as these 
would do no justice to the author, especially in the matter of style, which 
I have translated as mere English, sacrificing the profundity of the 
original sentences that "have been measured by a carpenter," and whose 
dragon-tailed involutions of many a winding bout both de- and im-press 
the reader : he rightly judging that the effort of exegesis measures the 
value of the meaning when discovered, and compensates its absence when 
undiscoverable labour being its own exceeding great reward : and which 
style I do not despair of imitating with the help of a certain brownish 
drench that I wot of : verb. sap. S.T.C.] 

CRITIQUE OF PURE ROT. 

Preface. 

EVERY new world-moving Philosophy is generated by a 
new method. Now my method of seeing things as they 
really are is to stand upon my head ; for the images of all 
things being inverted on the retina, a man may by this 
means, in a manner, correct the perversity of nature with- 
out trusting to psycho-physiological processes that have the 
double fault of being mechanical and empirical. If any one 
think this an obvious device, I remind him of Copernicus 
and the egg. 

The method was, to be sure, suggested to me by a Scotch 
philosopher's account of how the English open the eyes of 
their children by making them " see London ". For one 
brief moment, flashing over in a whirligig, they beheld the 

1 It is known that Samuel Taylor Coleridge left much MS. (chiefly in 
the margins of his friends' books) that is still unpublished. We take it 
that this fragment was written in 1801, although (like Aristotle's works) 
it contains ' anticipations ' that might suggest a later date ; and we con- 
gratulate the readers of MIND ! upon obtaining in 1901 a synopsis of 
doctrines so well calculated to initiate and direct the New Philosophy of 
a, New Age. ED. 



20 i. CANT : 

world in its true posture. This hint broke my dogmatic 
slumber. It explained why London merchants over-reach 
the rest of the world ; for in youth, under the name of City- 
Arabs, they turn cart-wheels on the pavement, and thus 
learn to see things in their true relations : no one can be 
Lord-Mayor till he has turned 5,000 cart-wheels. Also 
English aristocrats, brow-beating a demagogue, accuse him 
of " turning everything upside down " : such is their antipathy 
to popular education. But all this is English empiricism ; 
whereas we begin with a petitio principii and proceed upon 
universal and necessary assertions a priori. 

Book I., Part I., Chapter I., Article I. 

1, etc. Now, to cut matters short, let us begin by inquir- 
ing into the possibility of Kot in general. That Rot exists 
you may take my word. And there are two kinds of it : 
Damp Rot and Dry Rot, besides certain Fungoid Growths : 
but how are such things possible in the best of possible 
worlds ? 

Damp Rot being nothing else than the corruption of 
woody fibre, the possibility of it manifestly depends upon 
the presence of C and H 2 O, into which the Manifold is re- 
ceived and judiciously distributed. 

H 2 0, popularly called 'water,' is an intuition and not a 
concept ; for all water is in water and not wider water. 
Moreover, water is a priori, since without it there could be no 
Damp Rot ; but painting in water-colours absolutely pre- 
supposes water. 

Similarly C is an intuition ; for to intuit a thing is to see 
it. And the a priori necessity of C is given, in a manner, in 
the bare possibility of Music in general. 

Thus the only possible genesis of Damp Rot is demon- 
strated as a synthetic construction in a pure heterogeneity. 
Only splash in the Manifold and the thing is done. 

Observe, finally, that whilst C and H 2 are real as a matter 
of fact, yet on reflexion they are unreal. You will see this 
by standing on your head, and there is no other way of see- 
ing it. 

Book II. Transcendental Dodges of Blunderstanding , Part I., 
Chapter II., Article II. 

3. Well then, the possibility of Dry Rot depends on the 
system of the pure Caterwaulings, which are functions of 
Papperception, or Milk-for-babes. 



SPECIMENS OF THE CRITIQUE OF PURE ROT. 



21 



To find the pure Caterwaulings need give us no trouble, as 
we may conveniently take them from the newspapers, and 
list them as follows : 



Quantity. 


Quality. 


Relation. 


Modality. 


Bottle 


Imperialism 


Paedagogue and Pupil 


Ignorance 


Half-bottles 


Pro-Boerism 


Praise and Profits 


Prejudice 


Bottle-and-a-half 


The Closure 


Log-rolling 


Superstition 



4. Now there is a certain difficulty in applying these 
Caterwaulings to phenomena, which is not felt in distributing 
the Manifold within the province of Damp Eot. For if, as 
a matter of Damp Kot, I perceive that a publisher is a fraud, 
' publisher ' and ' fraud ' are homogeneous intuitions in the 
synthesis of H. 2 0. For H 2 0, being a synthetic function of 
Reason, is amenable to reasonable analysis, and (as the future 
will know) whatever is convenient is reasonable. Hence, a 
publisher being no doubt H (or homo), 2 is the symbol of his 
fraud, meaning that he owes too much ; and such an appre- 
hension of the facts is both easy and elegant. 

But if, in the sphere of Dry Eot, I judge that a criticism in 
MIND ! is praise, how can such heterogeneous elements be 
brought together ? For the ' criticism ' is a given fact, 
whereas ' Praise ' is pure Caterwauling. Now all such 
difficulties are overcome by scheming and skirmishing with 
C, which is the natural intermediary between pure Cater- 
waulings and all phenomena. 

5. To apply the pure Caterwaulings to matter-of-fact 
needs Imagination. This can surprise nobody ; for all 
Philosophies are works of Imagination, or sportive essays 
in the fine art of Reason. In this case we want Imagination 
badly, and we will call it no mere imitative but ' productive 
Imagination,' because that sounds better. The labourer 
sings at his work ; and in the severe work of labelling 
matters of fact with suitable Caterwaulings it is the function 
of Imagination to represent the pure Caterwaulings by 
generalised tunes in the form of C that is, by the rhythms 
of tunes, abstracting from their particular notes and all 
heterogeneous sensuosity such as a professor may hum 
without being able to sing them. They are called Sing-songs, 
and their correspondence with the Caterwaulings is exhibited 
in the following table : 



22 i. CANT : 

Caterwauling. Sing-song. 

Bottle. The Leather Bottel. 

Half-bottles. Drink to Me Only with Thine Eyes. 

Bottle-and-a-half. We Won't Go Home till Morning. 

Imperialism. Rule Britannia. 

Pro-Boerism. Down among the Dead Men. 

The Closure. Donnybrook Fair. 

Paedagogue and Pupil. Said the Old Obadiah to the Young Obadiah. 

Praise and Profits. See the Conquering Hero. 

Log-rolling. The same, hummed alternately forwards and 

backwards. 

Ignorance. Nobody Knows What I Know. 

Prejudice. Sally in Our Alley. 

Superstition. Home, Sweet Home 1 

If with such incentives you can't stick the labels, I can't ; 
and without standing on your head you will hardly be con- 
vinced that they stick fast. 

6. However, the humming of these Sing-songs by way 
of illustration may always be relied upon to enliven a lecture 
and to fill the class-room of the dullest pedant. The Sing- 
song of Log-rolling will be most effective if the professor, 
instead of humming it forwards and backwards alternately, 
shall hum it forwards and get his famulus to hum it back- 
wards at the same time. This will illustrate the struggle for 
existence and demonstrate the special applicability of the 
third Caterwauling of Relation to Biology and social affairs. 

7. But further difficulties in applying the Cater waulings 
to the Manifold may arise from not knowing which should 
be applied to what ; so that whilst universally necessary they 
are particularly contingent : but here again the Sing-songs 
ought to help us. As to the Caterwaulings of Quality for 
example if hastily and erroneously you call a man as big as 
yourself a Pro-Boer to the tune of Down Among the Dead Men, 
and he closes with you to the tune of Eule Britannia, there is 
a dead-lock whilst both sing Donnybrook Fair. Or again, in 
the Caterwaulings of Quantity if you think you have drunk 
only Half-a-bottle, when in fact you have finished a Bottle- 
and-a-half, there is an irresistible impulse to sing We Wont go 
Home till Morning ; and the chances are that you will even be 
late for breakfast,^ passing most of the interval in strict 
seclusion, and arriving fresh from an interview with the 
functionary at Bow Street. I shall show hereafter that the 
blame for all such slips lies ultimately at the door of the 
Unding-an-sich ; but it will not be of much use, as the Un- 
ding's oak is always sported. 

If after these illustrations any one fails to see how the 
Sing-songs help us in inflicting the Caterwaulings upon 



SPECIMENS OF THE CRITIQUE OF PURE ROT. 23 

matters of fact, I can only say that it is a mystery hidden in 
the depths of the soul. 

Book II., Part I., Walpurgisnacht, Chapter I., Article II. 

1. The worst thing you can do, my young friend, is to 
try to apply your blunderstanding to Ideas : it was never 
designed for such use and is quite incompetent. For the 
new dialectic shows that noumena, far from being the only 
objects of real knowledge, are just the things that the 
mind can't know. I cant. 

Nevertheless, you can't help experimenting with Ideas; 
and thereby are generated three Fungoid Growths. 

Chapter II., First Fungus : the Common Mushroom. 
2. Traume eines Geistersehers. . . . 

3. Now all this fine confused thinking results from mis- 
taking the Bottle of Papperception for Spirit per se. 

Chapter III., Second Fungus : the Antilogistic Toadstool. 
3. Donnybrook Fair in vacuo, by our special Eeporter. . . , 

Therefore, A is both B and not-B. Q.E.D. 

But if A is B, it is impossible to know anything ; and if it 
is not-B, it is impossible to believe anything ; so since it is 
both, tant pis. 

4. The ground, however, of these conclusions (equally 
odd and inevitable) is, that we take A for granted ; whereas 
per se it is not granted, but only Hay ; and to make hay of 
A, or A of hay, is a solecism. 

Chapter IV., Third Fungus. 
1. Die scholastische Gotterdammerung fa'ngt an. . . . 



[Note : Angels and ministers of grace ! least said, soonest mended. 
Indeed, there may be some things in this book which my friend Leighton 
would hardly sanction : it deserves to be not only translated but edited. 
Judicious commentators, however, will not be wanting : 

Wenn die Konige baun, haben die Karrner zu thun. 1 

S.T.C.] 

1 A translation that has been proposed for this verse : 

One fool makes many 
is more spirited than literal, and sacrifices urbanity to emphasis. ED. 



VII. SOME NEW APHORISMS OF HERA- 
KLEITOS. 

TRANSLATED BY PROFESSOR HYDATI. 

THE importance of these new fragments will be readily 
understood when it is stated that they comprise no less than 
44 dicta, while the total number of fragments of Herakleitos 
previously known was only 130. They were discovered, of 
course in Egypt, by Drs. Grenfell and Hunt, amid the ruins 
of a Ptolemaic hydropathic establishment in the Fayuni, on 
a palimpsest papyrus on which the rules of the institution 
had subsequently been inscribed. The curious will not fail 
to remark the irony of Fate whereby a water-cure both ex- 
tinguished and preserved so much of the philosophy of Fire. 
As might be expected from this state of affairs, the text is 
frequently difficult, but the well-known scholarship of Prof. 
Hydati puts the substantial accuracy of the translation of 
these interesting fragments beyond all doubt. Their authen- 
ticity also cannot be disputed : as Prof. Burnet well says, 
' ' They have unquestionably the true Herakleitean ring ' ' . l On 
the whole they are calculated only to deepen the impression, 
and to confirm the interpretation, of his previously ascertained 
doctrines. At the same time there is an engaging and out- 
spoken modernity about some of the maxims, which seems 
to indicate that much of the obscurity the ancients com- 
plained of in Herakleitos may in reality have been due to 
the prophetic character of his thought and his marvellous 
prescience of modern conditions. 

A. Personal Characteristics and Criticism of Society. 

1. 

I had rather be right than a king. 

2. 
It is more difficult to bridle one's tongue than a lively donkey. 

3. 
I have sought myself and caught a Tartar ! 2 

1 Early Greek Philosophy, p. 138, note. 

2 Only the first half of this saying was known before. 



SOME NEW APHORISMS OF HERAKLEITOS. 25 

4. 

I asked for Truth, and they gave me History ! 

5. 

I sent my book to the Bodleian, but the Board of Faculty 
did not read it and granted me a degree ! 

6. 

Asses prefer the sweepings of the lecture rooms to my 
original researches. 

7. 
Dullards think deep the darkness they cannot see through. 



* What I can understand, I despise,' says Sophornoros. 
Yet he wonders if I write obscurely. 

9. 

The seriousness of folly needs to be scorched with the 
inextinguishable laughter of the gods. 

10. 
(Only the witless will try to winnow the wit from the chaff. 

11. 

The * *-ians are worthy to be strung up man by man, 
for that they drove away the best man among them, godlike 
* *-os saying, ' Behold he is too clever for us V 

12. 

Since I gave him beans, Pythagoras has eaten no others. 2 

13. 

The Sophists of the * * 3 teach badly ; else had they 
not taught * * 3 to deride them. 



1 Unfortunately the names are almost obliterated. If the remark is 
the same as that quoted in Ritter und Preller (ed. 7), p. 24, 22, b., the 
exiling of Hermodoros by the Ephesians must be referred to. But 
Herakleitos was quite the man to express similar opinions on other 
cases also. 

2 The famous Pythagorean prohibition of beans, formerly supposed to 
have a mystical significance, is now usually derived from a primitive 
taboo. This dictum, however, suggests a simpler explanation. 

3 Barnes illegible. 



26 HYDATI : 

1.4. 

Learning does not teach sense : else had it taught 
many whom the libel laws forbid me to mention. 1 

15. 

They who seek for gold turn a ton of rock into dust 
and get ten pennyweights. 2 

16. 

The filleted soul is the best. 3 

17. 

The mob must fight for its law as for its wall : but 
the weakest go to the wall. 4 

B. The Game of Life and its Paradoxes. 
18. 

The World is a Demon's play, and all must play a game 
that none may understand. But the wise play upon words. 

19. 

Of the gods man's understanding is misunderstanding. 

20. 
Life is a play, largely upon words. 

21. 

In waking we are asleep to our dreams to which we 
wake in sleeping. And yet men will not credit dreams of 
better worlds. 5 

22. 

They send expeditions to all places but to Hades, which 
awaits them all and holds far more than they desire to know. 6 

23. 

It is better to bury the body than the soul, and yet 
men dread the one and think nothing of the other. 



1 A more cautiously reticent version of a famous dictum. 

2 Cp. jR.P., p. 35, 36 b. 

3 This allusion to the classical custom of adorning sacrificial victims 
with fillets seems to be a wonderful anticipation of the moral value oi 
self-sacrifice. 

4 Cp. R.P., p. 38, 40. 5 Cp. ibid., p. 36, 38. 6 Cp. ibid* 



SOME NEW APHORISMS OF HERAKLEITOS. 27 

24. 

Souls smell in Hades would that bodies did not reek 
on earth. 1 

25. 

Dry souls are best to burn. 2 

26. 
The hidden jest is the best. 3 

C. The Flux, the Fire and the Union of Opposites. 

27. 

All things flow and nothing endures except the rot that 
is poured forth in the Schools. 

28. 

None can pass the same examination twice, and many 
not even once. 

29. 

They are honoured and not honoured they are gulphed. 

,30. 

The war 4 is the father of all things, but its paternity also 
is a matter of opinion. 

31. 
One cannot love the same woman twice, nor most even once. 

32. 

Wisdom to all men is commons ; 5 for by them is nourished 
high thinking. 

33. 

Three things are evil for thinking rollers, chapels, and 
battells ; for they dampen the ardour of students. 

34. 

Jesting and earnest are the same ; for out of jesting 
comes earnest, and earnestness turns into jest. 



1 Cp. R.P., p. 37, 38 d. 

2 Completes and makes sense of a well-known saying. 

3 Cp. R.P., 27. 4 6 TToXe/ior. 5 TO. |ui/a, cp. R.R, p. 35. 



28 HYDATI I SOME NEW APHORISMS OF HEEAKLEITOS. 

35. 

"Pis the strain of the labouring bow that speedeth the arrow. 

36. 

Out of seriousness cometh forth mirth and into serious- 
ness turneth again. 

37. 

Nay, but he who is wise will traverse the two ways together, 
Mirthful in serious work, seriously aiming in mirth. 1 

38. 

There is a way to lecture and a way not. But the drier 
way is better than the damper. 

39. 

There is a way to lecture and a way from lecture ; and 
the way to and the way from are the same : it is a short cut. 

40. 

The Eagle both feeds on the Vitals of Prometheus and 
does not feed on his Vitals. For Prometheus does not die. 
So also is the World consumed by the Fire and not consumed. 

41. 

When highborn dames catch Tunnies with a bait of gold, 
then shall the Flux of Words be stayed, and what I mean be 
manifest to all. 

42. 

The new lives in the death of the true, the true in the 
death of the false, the false in the death of the new. Are not 
truth, then, and falsehood the same ? And is not the new of 
two things one, either itself false, or what renders all else 
false ? 

43. 

Wit is the Phosnix who burns himself and is rekindled 
from the ashes of his father. 

44. 

The way Up and the way Down is the same, namely the 
Great Western. 

1 These last aphorisms seem to be metrical, and indeed elegiacs. That 
Herakleitos should have written poetry will surprise no one who realises 
what difficulty he had to express himself in prose. 



VIII. PRE-SOCRATIC PHILOSOPHY. 

BY LOKD PlLKINGTON (OF MlLKINGTON). 

THEEE was a time before the teaching of philosophy had 
taken the form of a dictation lesson, when students ventured 
beyond the covers of their note-book and even attempted a 
little dialectic on their own account. Small blame to them 
if their Dialogue sometimes assumed a playful air, or if, in 
those walks up Shotover or round the Hinkseys and the 
' Happy Valley, ' which have lost their charm for cycling 
Oxford of the present generation, they capped each other in 
amoebean verse like Vergil's shepherds. As a remembrance 
of these happier methods of study, which the publication of 
MIND ! may do something to revive, we print, before they 
are forgotten, a few fragments upon the Pre-Socratics which 
originated under the conditions described. 

Damon. 

The Ionic philosophers trace 
The World to a physical base : 

Thus while Thales sought a 

First 'Apxh in Water 
Anaximenes put Air in its place. 

Pythias. 

From the Concrete Xenophanes fleeing 
Found the world to consist in pure Being ; 
Said, 'IIav=*Ev; 
And ' Gods ain't like men, 
But all-thinking and hearing and seeing '.* 

Damon. 

Heracleitus said everything came 

From a Strife which he sometimes calls Flame. 

The illustrious Hegel 

Thought this quite ' en regie,' 
Meaning ' Seyn and Nicht-seyn are the same '. 

1 See Hitter und Preller, p. 79, 85. 



30 LORD PILKINGTON : PRE-SOCRATIC PHILOSOPHY. 

Pythias. 

It's all very well when you're tight 

To say that white's black, and black white ; 

But this never will do, 

As Parmenides knew, 
For the Footpath which leads to the Right. 1 

Damon. 

There was an old man of Abdera 

Whose language grew queerer and queerer ; 

With his Atv and his Kpaa-is 

Arid other odd phrases 
He perplexed the good folk of Abdera. 

Pythias. 

Pythagoras thought that Creation 
Was a mere Arithmetic Relation, 
Said ' you must not eat beans 
By no manner of means,' 
And believed in the Soul's Transmigration. 

1 See Ritter und Preller, p. 88, 94. 



IX.-NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES. 

I. AN ApoBiA. 1 

JONES was a congenital genius, and we always expected he 
would come to a bad end, poor fellow. Hence I was not 
surprised to find that after an early marriage and a brief but 
brilliant matrimonial career (including two pairs of twins and 
a triplet), he should have taken up his residence in an asylum 
which shall be nameless, but where I occasionally visit him. 
The doctors consider him a hopeless case, but the chief thing 
I can find the matter w r ith him is an excessive conscientious- 
ness which unfits him for practical work and leads him to 
raise scruples about what everybody else takes for granted. 
For instance, the last time I saw him he startled me with a 
fallacy which seemed to me not unworthy of mention by the 
side of the Liar and the Crocodile. 

Jones had been greatly depressed ; he declared himself 
a murderer, and would not be comforted. Suddenly he 
asked me a question. ' Are not the parents the cause of the 
birth of their children?' said he. 'I suppose so,' said I. 
4 Are not all men mortal?' 'That also may be admitted.' 
' Then are not the parents the cause of the death of their 
children, since they know that they are mortal ? And am I 
not a murderer ? ' I was, I own, puzzled. At last I thought 
of something soothing. I pointed out to Jones that to cause 
the death of another was not necessarily murder. It might 
be manslaughter or justifiable homicide. ' Of which of these 
then am I guilty?" he queried. I could not say because I 
had never seen the Jones family, but I hear Jones has become 
a great bore in the asylum by his unceasing appeals to every 
one to tell him whether he has committed murder, man- 
slaughter, or justifiable homicide ! 

Curiously enough, when I told the tale to a learned friend 
of mine, he showed me what appears to be a new fragment 
of Plato's Lysis, on an Egyptian papyrus recently discovered. 
It distinctly anticipates Jones in its statement of the prob- 

1 Cp. Pelican Record, vol. iv., No. 4. 



32 NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES. 

lem, and testifies aloud to the saying that there is nothing 
new under the sun, and that truth is eternal. 



S. Whom then, Lysis, do you consider your best friends,. 
and love most? L. My father and my mother, as is most 
fitting. S. Why do you so love them? L. Both for other 
reasons and because they are the cause of my living. S. And 
does that seem to you a great benefit ? L. Surely the greatest 
of all. S. What then do you esteem the greatest evil ? L. 
Of all evils death seems to me the greatest and most hateful. 
S. Then you would not love those who are the cause of your 
coming death (TOV /xeXXoz/ros Oavdrov), if you knew them ? 
L. That is impossible. S. And what would you call those 
who knowingly cause the death of others? L. Evil-doers 
and murderers. S. You would not call them your friends ? 
L. Certainly not ; for did you not convince me that a friend 
does good only to his friend, and not evil. S. And yet per- 
haps, Lysis, you escape your own notice loving your own 
murderers, and thinking them your greatest friends. L. I 
do not understand you, Skoptades. S. Tell me, Lysis, are 
not all men mortal? L. Assuredly. S. Then all who are 
born must also die? L. Of course. S. And if any one 
knowingly put you in a place where you must die, such as a 
desert island or a den of lions, would you not consider him 
the cause of your death? L. Most certainly I should. S. 
But have not your parents done this very thing to you? L. 
How so ? S. Did you not say that they were the authors of 
your being in a world where you must die ? -L. So it would 
appear. S. And does it not follow that they are the authors 
of the greatest evil, namely death, and not friends, but mur- 
derers ? L. By Zeus, Skoptades, the argument has turned 
out a most unholy one. S. And the worst of it is that we 
do not yet know what is a friend and whom we ought to love 
most. . . . 

This then is the aTropia of the Lysis ; but what is the Xu<rt? 
of the ajropia ? 

II. A SEQUEL TO THE REPUBLIC.* 

The following interesting fragment of a Platonic dialogue 
has been found on a papyrus recently discovered in the belly 
of an ancient crocodile of literary tastes, which Messrs. 

1 This is the MS. reading, but 2QKPATH2 surely must be intended. 

2 Cp. Pelican Record, vol. v., No. 5. 



NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES. 33 

Grenfell and Hunt have imported from Egypt. With their 
leave we publish a translation, which will doubtless be recog- 
nised as the most important addition to our knowledge of 
Plato's lost writings since the recovery of the fragment of the 
Lysis printed above. 

SfiKPATHS, KE&AA02, HAATflN. 

Soc. Methinks, Plato, I see Kephalos hastening round the 
corner into yonder side-street. Will you not quickly run 
after him and tell him that it is not good for a man at his 
age to be in such haste, and that moreover we have seen him, 
and that he cannot escape us, since there is no thoroughfare 
at the other end ? 

Plato. Assuredly, Socrates, I will put on my running 
foot. 

Soc. I hail thee, Kephalos, breathless though I am. It 
seems to me a long time since I met you. Indeed I do not 
think I have seen you since we visited you at your house on 
the festival of Bendis and had a famous argument on tha 
nature of Justice. 

Keph. I think you are right. 

8. It was a great pity you did not stay and listen to the 
whole argument. 

K. I had to go out and attend to some domestic matters. 

S. You said it was a sacrifice. 

K. You are right again, Socrates, as I now remember, 

S. It must have been a very long sacrifice. 

K. The argument, too, was very long, I have heard. 

S. Nevertheless, you would have enjoyed it. But it does 
not matter ; Plato here has written it all out beautifully and 
he shall send you a copy. You deserve it in return for the 
drinks wherewith we kept up our spirits in the long search 
for justice. 1 

K. I thank you both. 

S. And now, Kephalos, while we accompany you home to 
the Piraeus, I want to ask you concerning a point which I was 
eager to inquire into when last we met, but which escaped my 
notice owing to your 2 having raised the question of justice. 
It is this. You are rich, are you not ? 

K. Moderately so. 

S. To whom then do you intend to leave your riches when 
you die ? 

K. To my children, of course. 

1 There is no mention of them in the existing MSS. of the Republic. 

2 Our traditional account hardly bears this out. 



34 NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES. 

S. I thought you would say this. But tell me why you 
propose to do this ? 

K. Because they stand first in my love, I suppose. 

S. Ah ! I am afraid, Kephalos, that is impossible. 

K. Are you not escaping your own notice talking non- 
sense ? 

S. I wish I were. But it really is impossible and contrary 
to nature for you to love your own children first. 

K. How so ? 

S. You must first love other people's children and then 
your own. 

K. I do not understand you. 

S. How can you, being a man, have children of your own 
to love until you have first loved the children of others ? l 

K. By Zeus, Socrates, you are right. For he alone of the 
gods could do what you say, if indeed he was the only parent 
of Athena. 

S. You agree then that it is absurd to love your own 
children first, and on this account to leave the money to 
them rather than to those of others? 

K. I suppose so. 

S. Consider this also. Do you not wish good to your 
children ? 

K. Of course. 

S. Then you do not wish that they should get that which 
would harm them ? 

K. Certainly not. 

S. But are not good things bad for the bad ? 

K. Very likely. 

S. Then wealth being a good thing in itself will be bad 
for the bad ? 

K. This we see in many cases. 

S. In proportion then as your children are bad it will 
harm them to have wealth? 

K. So at least the argument shows. 

S. You ought not therefore to leave your wealth to them. 

K Would you have me leave it to my enemies ? 

S. Not at all. 

K. To whom then ? 

S. To those to whom the intrinsically good is really good. 

K. Are you thinking of yourself, Socrates ? 

S. Have you never heard of my Little Demon 



1 An indignant scholiast probably an Alexandrine has here written 
in the margin, ' Look at the Greek, Socrates ; look at the Greek '. But 
Socrates was 110 doubt quite capable of using (fri\elv in the sense 
of [epav. 



NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES. 35 

And would not the wealth which benefited me do harm to 
Xanthippe ? 

K. I doubt whether she would get much of it. 

S. Even if I took care to prevent this, would it not make 
her temper worse to think of me spending my wealth in the 
the pursuit of the beautiful ? 

K. Your pursuit would always be in vain. 

S. That is why I am a philosopher. Still, as you know, 
we Athenians <j)i\oKa\ov/jL6v per eureAetW 1 

K. So I have observed. But will you not finish telling me 
to whom I ought to leave my wealth ? 

S. Most willingly. Do you know Plato here ? 

K. Yes, and I have long desired to ask him whether he 
be truly the son of Apollon as well as the descendant of 
Poseidon. He certainly looks it. 

S. Hush ! you see how he blushes. Plato, let me tell you, 
is about to found an Academy, the first there has been, and 
the most famous there ever will be. How better could you 
bestow your wealth than by giving it to Plato's Academy ? 

K. I would rather leave it to Xanthippe ! 

S. Even if we promise you immortality of fame ? 

K. Y"ou are far more likely to confer an eternity of infamy. 
However, I will do what you ask on one condition, and that 
is that you, Plato, should write down this conversation 
exactly as it occurred, in order that men may know whether 
Socrates always got the better in words of those he con- 
versed with. 

P. I agree, Kephalos. 

S. And I no less ; I will this time content myself with 
getting the better in deeds, if only they be good. 

III. CONGEATULATIONS. 2 

SflKPATHS, XAPMIAHZ. 

Socrates. What ho ! Charmides, whither away ? 

Charmides. Excuse my haste, Socrates, if I cannot stay to 
converse with you. 

S. Why, what is the matter ? 

C. Have you not heard that Milanion is to be married 
to-morrow, and that he has asked me to help him prepare 
for the occasion ? 

S. Every word of this is news indeed. 

1 Love the beautiful on the cheap. 

2 Cp. Peliccm Record, vol. v., No. 6. 



36 NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES. 

C. Well, then, come with me now and congratulate 
him. 

S. Come with you I will and with pleasure, going third 
myself. But whether I should congratulate Milanion de- 
serves further inquiry. 

C. Why, he is the happiest of mortals, and not even you 
could argue him out of this belief ! 

S. Or thinks he is. But tell me why ; who is the 
cause ? 

C. He has a good one. He is going to marry Atalanta. 

S. What, Atalanta, the daughter of Atlas! (Whistles.) 
You astonish me. 

C. Yes, it surprised us all. Not of course that he should 
be in love with her they all were that. But even now I 
can hardly understand why she took him. For does it not 
seem strange that the fairest, noblest, richest, and cleverest 
girl in Greece should choose Milanion, who, though an 
honest fellow enough and a great friend of mine, is only 
very moderately endowed in all these respects? 

S. Is she not also the fastest girl in Greece? 

C. Oh, yes, fast enough to catch or to get away from us 
all. But that makes it all the absurder that she should 
actually marry a Milanion after rejecting all the best men 
by the dozen ! 

S. Yes, I have heard that was her custom. But tell me, 
were you also among her victims ? 

C. No, Socrates ; how can you think that ? I could never 
have put up with a girl that gave herself such airs. Still I 
confess I was a little piqued that she would never take any 
notice of me, who am, as you know, generally considered to 
be somewhat fascinating myself. 

S. I should be the last person in the world to deny that. 
But you and Atalanta would clearly never have got on 
together. You are both too megalopsychic, and you know 
that two of a trade never agree. 

C. Still she might have chosen some one less common- 
place than Milanion. He is frightfully in love with her 
of course, and by nature kind and obliging and capable of 
any amount of devotion, but somehow it does not seem 
fitting that so glorious a girl should throw herself away 
like that. Can you understand it? 

S. Perhaps you have escaped your own notice answering 
your own question. 

G. How so ? 

S. Did you not say that he loved her exceedingly ? Per- 
haps she loves to be loved. 



NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES. 37 

C. You may be right. Certainly, you never saw anything 
so absurd. He calls her his only goddess, and positively 
worships her. 

5. What you now say, Charmides, makes me certain that 
I must not go on and congratulate Milanion. 

C. Why not, Socrates? 

S. The poor fellow can never be happy. 

C. Not even with a visible goddess of his own selection, 
whom he can be with always? 

S. Just because of the advantages you mention. 

C. I do not understand. 

S. Do you believe in the gods, Charmides ? 

C. Of course I do, like every one else. 

S. Then you worship them ? 

C. Certainly, whenever it is convenient. 

S. And do you spend a long time every day in worshipping 
them? 

C. Not perhaps a very great part of the day. Still I never 
pass an image of Zeus or Athene or Aphrodite without 
showing them the proper respect. 

S. You would . not, however, think of worshipping the gods 
all day long ? 

C. Well, perhaps that would be a little tiresome. 

S. Nor would you wish to worship at the same shrine 
always ? 

C. No ; I thank the gods often that they are many. 

S. And yet, Charmides, you thought Milanion would be 
happy because he could be with his goddess always and 
worship the same for ever. 

C. I had not thought of what you now persuade me. 

S. It seems then that it is not good to worship always, and 
that I must not congratulate Milanion. 

C. So it would seem. 

S. And we must consider this also, whether it is good to 
be worshipped, and whether T may congratulate Atalanta. 

C. At all events you should go there and try, Socrates. It 
is worth going a long way to see Atalanta, especially if one 
has not yet seen her. And if one has, it seems still better 
worth going. She, moreover, will be glad to see you. I 
have often heard her say that she thought you must be the 
funniest old thing in Athens, and that she wished you would 
not confine your conversations to young men and, well, 
women like Diotima the Mantinean. 1 

S. You see how even my virtue may be misconstrued ! 

^p. Symposium, 201 D. 



38 NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES. 

Nevertheless I will go, if I can make sure that she deserves 
my congratulations. But I greatly fear she does not. . 

C. Why? 

S. To be worshipped always is perhaps still more difficult 
than to worship always, especially for one human and, in 
addition, a woman. 

C. That seems a hard saying, and I hope you will explain it. 

S. Willingly. Would you not allow that all things in the 
world have their proper excellence, and only then deserve to 
be called good when they act in accordance with it ? 

C. Certainly, seeing that I cannot hinder it. 

S. Then I suppose a god also must have his proper virtue 
or excellence ? 

C. Perhaps. 

S. What then would you say it was ? 

C. To be as divine as possible. 

S. And what would you say was the proper excellence of 
man? 

C. To be human and to think human things. 

S. Very good. Then is it part of the divine excellence to 
walk about and go to market like a man ? 

C. That would be ridiculous. A god must stay unruffled 
on his pedestal and look dignified. 

S. And if a man behaved similarly, what would you think ? 

C. I should think it very unseemly. 

S. And do you not think that he would also find it very 
uncomfortable to be always raised aloft on a pedestal in all 
weathers, and to live so splendid and holy a life ? 

C. By Zeus he would, especially when the young men 
came to paint him red. 

S. And do you think a girl would find this more agreeable ? 

C. She might at first, but, I fancy, would soon grow weary. 

S. Aye, and run away with the first man that was strong 
enough to lift her off her pedestal, even though he was a 
brutal athlete or an irreverent fellow of the baser sort. 

C. I think you are very likely right. 

S. Was it not then a reasonable girl who answered Nausi- 
knides the Philosopher, desiring to marry her, that she could 
not live so high up in the air, nor was she fit to consort with 
a god? 

C. I suppose she saved herself and him much misery. 

S. It seems then that it is contrary to her proper nature 
for Atalanta to be treated as a goddess, and that, if he does 
this, Milanion will only make her miserable, whichever 
happens, while not becoming happy himself. 

C. By Athene, that is the most sensible and consoling 



NEW PLATONIC DIALOGUES. 39 

thing that has yet been said about this unhappy affair ! Of 
course you must not congratulate Atalanta. We must try to 
save her. I will go therefore and tell her what you say. I 
am sure she will be grateful to you for saving her from so 
terrible a fate. And the next time you meet her, I should 
not wonder if she kissed you. 

S. I think, Charmides, you are too hasty and not yet 
accustomed to regard these matters philosophically. At any 
rate do not forget to tell Atalanta that you love her far more 
than Milanion ever could. As for me, I should prefer not to 
be kissed by her nor to be mentioned by you ; indeed, I 
would almost rather meet Xanthippe than Atalanta, after 
you have told her all this if she really loves Milanion. 



X. THE LADIES' ARISTOTLE. 

I. THE GEEAT-SOULED WOMAN. 

THIS interesting new fragment of Aristotle has recently been 
published in the Proceedings of the Society for Megalopsychical 
Research, and we have obtained permission to republish it 
for the benefit of the readers of MIND ! J Internal evidence 
leaves no doubt of its authenticity, and though in the present 
unenlightened state of public opinion it is hardly possible to 
divulge the methods whereby it was obtained, it may con- 
fidently be predicted that all students of Aristotle will at 
once recognise what a gap it fills in the Ethics of that great 
thinker, and how completely it disposes of the notion that 
his work was intended for men only. 

' Concerning the megalopsychic man, then, let so much 
have been said. But it follows to speak concerning the mega- 
lopsychic woman, not indeed worthily, but as a mere man 
may. For as we said before, it is the part of the 'Varsity 
man (rov TreTraiSev/jievov 2 ) to demand only such exactness 
(eVt, Toaovrov Ta/cpiftes e'jri^relv) as is compatible with the 
subject, but of the megalopsychic woman 10,000 mathema- 
ticians would demand exactness in vain. 

' She produces indeed no slight aporia in other respects 
also, first of all, whether she exist or not. But we say that 
the actuality (evepyeiav) is prior to the potentiality (S 
it is absurd therefore that the fairest form (Kd\\io-rov 
of female virtue should not exist in actuality in a cosmos 
wherein all things are as lovely as they can be. 3 

' Likewise it is objected to her that in the matter of virtue 
she is unlike the other so-called virtuous women, but wit- 
tingly or unwittingly such people say nought (ovSev \eyovo-i). 
For it has been laid down that great-souledness is greatness in 
all the virtues, and this the megalopsychic woman possesses. 
For she does all things for the sake of the Beautiful (Sia TO 
Ka\6v), and only those possessing complete virtue do this. 

1 Cp. also The Pelican Record, vol. v., No. 2, p. 45. 
2 Cp. Eth. NIC., i., 3, 4. 3 Cp. ibid., i., 9, 5. 



THE LADIES' AKISTOTLE. 41 

'It is necessary therefore that she should be not only 
supremely good, but also surpassingly beautiful. 

' Now this is the reason why she is so rare ; for it is by 
nature difficult to be beautiful, and still more to remain so 
throughout a perfect life. 1 And even by art it is not possible 
to be beautiful much beyond the limits of one's given material 

(^). 

' But it is easy to see that from her beauty, being one, all 
the other excellences and goods follow of necessity. For her 
beauty is the whole of virtue viewed in relation to others 

{eV Tft> 7T/J09 6TpOV 2 ). 

1 Hence she will appear witty and wise and generous and 
temperate to all who behold her. And what appears to all, 
that we say is (a jap Trdat, $orcel ravr 1 elvai (f)a/jLv 3 ). 

' And further, all the external goods will be added to her. 
Whether indeed she should have a husband is disputed (if 
indeed a husband be a good of any sort), but it is evident 
that she can have as many as she desires, and that she will 
not lead a solitary life (fiiov fjuovcorrj^). Nor will she lack 
honours, though no honour could possibly be worthy of her 
complete excellence. 4 And nobility and great wealth also 
will be hers, whether she acquire them with her husband or 
from those who seek to honour her. 

' Thus she will be able to exhibit the virtue of Magni- 
ficence also, though her entertainments will be few and 
great and much talked about, rather than many and petty. 
Nevertheless she will frequent entertainments of all sorts, 
for she would prefer to enjoy intense pleasure for the season 
rather than a prolongation of the humdrum, and to live one 
year fashionably rather than many obscurely. 5 

' Nevertheless she will think lightly of them, nor will she 
talk to women ; wherefore she will seem to look down upon 
all. 

' In matters of dress however her taste will be perfect, and 
avoiding the extremes both of excess and defect, she will 
wear neither too much nor too little, but the right amount 
to display her beauty, in accordance with the due propor- 
tion (fcara rov opOov \6yov). And on this account also she 
must be beautiful, for without beauty it is not easy to bear 
gracefully the "happy creations" of the dressmaker ((pepew 
/jL/jL\a)s ra evrv^jj/jLara 7 ). 

'Wherefore also she will be tall and with a good figure 

a Cp. Eth. Nic., L, 7, 16. 2 Cp. ibid., v., 1, 20. 

^Cp. ibid., x., 2, 4. 4 Cp. ibid., iv., 3, 17. 

5 Cp. ibid., ix., 8, 9. 6 Cp. ibid., iv., 3, 18. 
7 Cp. ibid., iv.,3, 21. 



42 THE LADIES' AEISTOTLE. 

(for beauty implies stature, and tiny women may be neat 
and symmetrical but not beautiful 1 ). And indeed that her 
body should be great is necessary also on account of the 
greatness of her soul. For the soul is intended by nature to 
rule the body, and it would be unworthy of a great soul to 
rule a small body. 

' And moreover her walk will be slow and stately, and her 
voice measured and thrilling 2 ; it would not befit her to lift 
up her skirts and run, 3 except for the sake of something 
glorious and beautiful, like Atalanta. 

' But whether she will be in love, it is not easy to say* 
For on the one hand love seems to be of the goods, but on 
the other, whom should she love ? For love is the part of 
the inferior who cannot sufficiently honour his superior, 4 but 
the megalopsychic woman has no superior. But if some say 
that she should love the megalopsychic man, we reply that 
no one could possibly do that. Wherefore it is more fitting 
that she should receive the love and honour of all she looks 
upon, but without loving them in return. For why should 
she ? That would be absurd (arojrov yap). 

1 It remains therefore that the megalopsychic woman is a 
lover, not of others, but of herself, because of the BeautifuL 
And, as has been said, 5 Self-love is good, and being good, the 
megalopsychic woman must love herself (Set (fruXavrov elvcu). 
But not like the many (&>? 6' ol TTO\\OI ov xptf), for they are 
not beautiful. And thus she will plainly be self-sufficing, 
and also beautiful, and yet have many friends to display 
the happiness of her life (et? eTrtSeifiv T% evbainovias). 

1 Nevertheless she will sacrifice them all, and her husband 
and her children, and her wealth and her health, for the 
sake of the Beautiful. Aye, and if need be, she will even 
die for the sake of it, choosing it in preference to all else, 
and attributing a greater share of it to herself than to others. 6 
If indeed she should become involved in the old age and 
misfortunes of a Hecuba, 7 and should not escape her own 
notice losing her beauty, her happiness would be impaired 
and she would become miserable (adxla) : but this is not 
probable (dX\' OVK 



PS. At the last moment we find, from a note for which 
we are indebted to Prof. Stewart's unsurpassed Aristotelian 
learning, that a totally different view is taken in the Magna 

J Cp. Eth. NIC., iv., 3, 5. 2 Cp. ibid., iv., 3, 35. 

3 Cp. ibid., iv., 3, 15. 4 Cp. ibid., viii , 8, 4-5. 

5 Cp. ibid., ix., 8, 11. *Cp. ibid., ix., 8, 9. 
7 Cp. ibid., i., 10, 14. 



THE LADIES' ARISTOTLE. 48 

Moralia of the megalopsychic woman, which shows that 
the later Aristotelians were incapable of sustaining the lofty 
ideal of feminine perfection which their master had put 
before them. The curious may look for the original of the 
appended translation on page 540 of the first volume of Prof. 
Stewart's Notes on the Nicomachean Ethics : 

' Enough has now been said about the Great-souled man. 

' The Great-souled woman remains, and causes difficulty : 
for the question has been raised whether Woman has a soul. 
The Girl-Undergrad of Euripides indeed says, "In Hockey 
is my soul," thus declaring plainly that the soul is not an 
essential principle within her, but an accident without. 
Perhaps however it would be too unkind and heterodox to 
maintain absolutely that Woman has no soul ; but how% on 
the other hand, can she be Great-souled, if Greatness of soul 
is the ornament of its possessor and causes him to speak 
with a deep voice, whereas 

' " Silence is the ornament of Woman " ? 

' Moreover, Man conquered at Olympia, 1 but Woman never, 
which makes a great difference ; and if a great difference, 
then a difference in respect of that which is essential the 
soul. Therefore, since Man is Great-souled, it follows that 
Woman is not Great-souled. 

' So much for the conclusion which follows logically. 

' We might also consider the subject physically, taking 
account of the Nature of Things : but the inquiry would be 
very tedious ; for, as Homer says in the Margites, 

' " The world is full of a number of things ". 

* We have said enough, however, to show that the Woman 
mentioned above is an Impossible Woman.' 

ED., MIND ! 

II. THE BRAVE WOMAN.* 

It is with no slight gratification that we continue the 
publication of the better half of the Ethics, viz., that devoted 
to showing how T the acerbities of masculine virtue must be 
modified and mitigated to fit the delicacies of feminine 
idiosyncrasy. The ' brave woman ' is not, indeed, cast in 
so heroic a mould as the megalopsychic paragon of feminine 
excellence, nor does Aristotle so obviously surpass the limits 
of scientific sobriety in describing her ; but no one can read 
his account without feeling that Aristotle is here exhibiting 

1 Cp. Eth. Nic., vii., 4, 2. 2 Cp. Pelican Record, vol. v., No. 4. 



44 THE LADIES' ARISTOTLE. 

in its full profundity that subtle comprehension of feminine 
character which he derived from his life-long observation and 
varied matrimonial experience. Plato, assuredly, could never 
have written thus, and even the wisdom of Solomon pales in 
comparison ! 

1 The brave man then, as has been said, preserves the 
Mean between rashness and cowardice with respect to the 
grounds of fear and confidence, attaining the Beautiful in 
war, not without pleasure if he be successful, even though 
not without painful exertion. Whence a difficulty arises 
whether women also are to be considered brave, and if so, 
how. 1 

'For some indeed maintaining an absurd thesis contend 
that, rightly trained, women are in no wise less brave than 
men, being inferior in strength alone, 2 and as illustrations 
adduce Amazons and Spartan women and if any elsewhere 
among other barbarians take part in war. Wherefore also 
the investigation has become very invidious, owing to friends 
of ours introducing lady guardians, 3 who desire eagerly to 
share in political rights. Nevertheless it would seem better, 
and even necessary, in order to save the constitution, to up- 
set even one's own household (KCLITQI So^eiev av &elv eVt 
(TWTrjpia rye TT?? TroXtreta? /cal rrji> oliceiav oliclav avaipelv), and 
even though we be philosophers to prefer truth to politeness, 
even where women are in question, maintaining stoutly that 
their courage is other than that of men. 4 

* It is needful therefore to reject such paradoxes, leaving 
alone the legendary Amazons and remembering how the 
boasted Spartan women behaved 5 during the Theban in- 
vasion ; while as for the barbarians, it does not befit a 
cultivated man to expect exactness in all the plausible tales 
which are told about them. 6 

' But the nature of feminine bravery will become clear if 
we inquire more physically what is most terrible to them, 
and wherein the beauty of their bravery shines out most. 

' For just as the Good is not one and the same for all, but 
different things are good and terrible by nature for men and 
for fishes for fishes indeed water is good and air bad, but 



anopfrai e Ka ray yvvakas vpeas i/o/LUtrre'oi/, Ka 7ra>. 
2 A plain but polemical reference to Plato, Rep., 452 foil. 
Aio Kal \iav Trpoo-dvTrjs yfyevrjrai rj r)Tr)o~is 810. TO (pi\ovs civdpas flaayaydv 
TCIS <pv\aKas, (r<p68pa fiovho/JLevas fiere^eii/ TOV ap-^fLv Kal apxe(rdai. 
4 Trjv dvftpfiav Ire pay elvat TOV dv8peiov. Cp. Etll. Nic., i., 6, 1. 

5 Tots /JLCV }Ji.p,v0o\oyr)p.evas 'Apagovas e&vras \aLpcLv. Cp. Politics^ ii., 9, 

, b. oo. 

6 'Ej/ Tols Tn6avo\oyovfji(vois nfpl avraiv. Cp. Etfl. Nic., i., 3, 4. 



THE LADIES' ABISTOTLE. 45 

for men, contrariwise, 1 so, too, the terrible is not the same 
for men and for women, and the habit of the brave woman 
is so called by analogy. For their work is different, and 
virtue is relative to work. 2 

' Neither do those say well who maintain that the bravery 
of women is relative to their amusement (ireuSia), instanc- 
ing such as fearlessly carry many talents' worth of jewels into 
a crowded theatre. For the Good is earnest 3 and as Hesiod 
says : 

' " Life is real, life is earnest ". 

It is manifest, therefore, that the Good not even of woman 
is attained in amusement, but in work. Now in man's case 
his work is admittedly to live well and act well as a citizen, 
but about woman they dispute, though a work she must 
have, if she be not by nature devoid of a share in human 
excellence. 4 Now the many say it is to look well and dress 
well, with whom also Homer agrees, declaring that 

' "Variegated dresses are the work of women," 5 
and 

'"Dresses, thin, of fine fabric which are the work of 
women ". 6 

But men of the world and of repute say rather it is house- 
keeping and the bearing of lawful children. Or, should we 
add, the capacity to call and to be called on ? 7 

'About what things then concerned with their work are 
women brave ? About death in housekeeping ? But this 
is absurd, for of this no one dies, except by accident. Or in 
childbirth? But this all fear, being human, unless indeed 
one should be mad or without sensibility, as they say some 
of the barbarians are. 8 Nor indeed is there anything beauti- 
ful in such a death. 

' It remains, therefore, that the fear in regard to which a 
woman is called brave should be loss of reputation (aSogia)? 
For this is most terrible to every sensible woman. But the 
brave woman nevertheless will run the risk of this, doing 
10,000 things contrary to custom, for the sake of the Beauti- 

1 Kaflcnrep yap rayaBbv ovx e"> ovdt TOVTO iraatv, dAAa erf pa ayaQa KOI (po&fpa 
<pv(TfL dvdpatirois KOL l\6vcri. TOIS p,ev yap vdwp dyaObv <al drjp KUKOV, rols 5 
evavTiws. Cp. Eth. Nic., vi., 7, 4. 

2 To yap epyov erepoi/, 17 8' aperr) npbs TO epyov. 

3 To -yap ayadbv anovdalov. 

EtVep JJLTJ TTjS dvdpCOTTLKIjS dpfTTJS flfJLOlpOS 7T((pVK. Cp. Eth. NlC., 1., 13, 14. 

6 IIe'7rXoi Tra^iTTOiKiXoi e'pya yvvaiK&v. Iliad, vi., 289. 
7 "H 



., vii., 96. 7 "H n-poo-tfereoi/ TO dvvaaOat Ka\flv KOI Ka\fl<r&ai ; 

Cp. Eth. Nic., iii., 7, 7. 9 Cp., ibid., iii., 7, 1. 



46 THE LADIES' AEISTOTLE. 

ful. Not but what she will fear such things, but she will 
fear them as she should, and when, and where, and as is 
reasonable : and she who will endure them for the sake of 
the Beautiful is truly brave and intrepid for a woman. 1 

' Whereas she who exceeds in fearlessness hardly exists, 
even though there are some who do not fear even a divorce, 
as they say of certain of the Hyperatlanteans. 2 And she is 
nameless for indeed it will not do to mention names being 
also very rare ; yet might one call her a " bold bad " woman. 3 

' For the most part, however, women incline rather to the 
opposite extreme of excessive fear of the customary, and follow 
all the fashions slavishly ; for to be cut is painful, and more 
than flesh and blood can bear. 4 And the woman who has this 
vice also is without a name ; but she seems to be a conven- 
tional sort of woman. 5 

' It appears then that feminine courage is a kind of social 
virtue. 6 For women endure the fashions on account of the 
penalties arising from the customs and reproaches and 
honours. 7 There are, however, five spurious habits which 
are not truly courage, though in virtue of them many women 
will do brave things, and set many customs at defiance. 

' Of these the woman brave from experience is most like 
the brave woman proper. 8 For having the eye from ex- 
perience, she sees the many inanities of social life, 9 and 
being capable of using her dresses well, she knows best how 
to behave with a view to doing and not suffering, 10 and 
appears brave because the others do not know how things 
are. 11 But they are not truly brave, and show cowardice 
whenever the struggle grows too severe and they are left 
behind in the matter of dress and adornments, 12 like the 

1 Ov fjLTjv ciXXa TO. TOiavra (pofirjacTai, cos del de, KOI ore, KOI ov, KOI cos 6 
Xdyos. Cp. Eth. Nic., iii., 7, 2. 

2 This must be an allusion to a lost fragment of Plato's myth of the 
Lost Atlantis (cp. the Gritias}. There cannot be in it any prophetic 
anticipation of Chicago. 

3 Qpa&VKaKTjv. This is a ciira Xfyopevov. 

4 To yap KOTTTeadai aXyeivov, e'lrrep crapxii/at, ovde virofj.evT)TOV. Cp. Eth. 
Nic., iii., 9, 3. 

5 <cu i/ercu 8e vofjiifjLT) TIS. 6 HoXiTiKT] TLS dpeTT) (paivfTai ova-a. 
7 Cp. Eth. Nic., iii., 8, 1. 

8 Tovrcoy fjitv ovv f) 6Y (fj,7rfipi.av /zaXiora co/iotcorai rfj 



9 E^ovcra yap CK TTJS efiTreipias TO o/x/za TO. re TroXXa Keva rov TroXtriKot) @iov 

Cp. Eth. Nic., vi., 11, 7, and iii., 8, 6. 

10 Kai 8vvap,evT] xpfja-dai. rots TreVXois, TTCOS fx fiv ^ f * Trpoy TO iroirjo-ai KOI Trpbs 
TO fj.r) TraOflv KpaTio-Ta oldev. Cp. Eth. Nic. t iii., 8, 7. 
11 Cp. ibid., iii., 8. 6. 
2 Orav VTrepTflvrj 6 dytov /cm XeiVcoi/rai rots TreTrXoip <al rais 

Cp. Eth. Nic., iii., 8, 9. 



THE LADIES' AEISTOTLE. 47 

Indian woman who went to the sacred festival thinking she 
would be the most beautifully arrayed, but finding that a 
richer was present, fled, casting away her arms. 

1 And very near to her comes she who thinks much of her- 
self on account of good birth or wealth. For she also will 
do many things to please herself without loss of reputation, 
like Dido. 1 

* And further, she who acts in ignorance will appear brave 
without being so, as, for instance, the Milesian woman w r ho 
asked the Great King to marry her, and when he said he 
was too old, apologised by saying she thought he was his son. 
The woman, however, mentioned above, who wears her jewels 
in a crowd, is not brave through ignorance, as some say, but 
truly virtuous. For she acts thus for the sake of the Beauti- 
ful (Sta rb /caXbv), and all who do this are virtuous. 

' Then too a woman when in love will do many brave 
things, and this form of courage seems to be most natural 
(</>ucrfc:6)TaT77 &' eoi/cv T] &ia rev po)Ta elvai). 2 But she acts 
from emotion (rrdOos] and not on account of the Beautiful, 
nor in accordance with the right proportion (Kara rbi> opOov 
\oyov}. 

' Again, she who acts from shamelessness is not brave ; 
since in that case Phryne was brave in the dicastery, and such 
things as they tell of French women (eirel ovrco 7' 77 <frpvvrj 
avSpeia TJV ev rc5 SifcaarTjpia) Kal oldirep, fyaai, r9 KeXra?). 3 

' Of feminine bravery then, let so much have been said, 
little indeed compared with the material which the subject 
affords, but much compared with what is seemly. ' 4 

III. MAEEIAGE. 

The following fragment, which is clearly derived from the 
same source as the two former, seems to belong to the First 
Book of the Ethics. Prof. Susemeal has suggested that it 
should be inserted after the eleventh chapter, but in some 
respects it would fit in better before the tenth. It discusses 
the systematic position of Marriage in its bearings on EvSai- 
Hovla with Aristotle's customary acuteness. In the traditional 
form of the Ethics this important subject is only just touched 
upon, and this fact alone would render the new fragment 
a welcome addition to Aristotle's masterpiece. 

1 The MSS. vary as to the spelling of the name, the best reading ' Dodo,' 
and another 'Dado 1 . The name itself is, of course, the same, being 
merely the feminine of Dod (David). 

2 Cp. Eth. Nic., iii., 8, 12. 3 Cp. ibid., iii., 8, 11. 

4 Upbs p.ev TT/V VTroKfifj.fvrjv oXiya, npos e TTJV fv(T\rjfjioa'vvr]v TroXXa, supply- 
ing v\r)v rather than ywalica with v 



48 THE LADIES' ARISTOTLE. 

' Next in order it follows to consider Marriage, not indeed in 
general for that would belong to another and more painful 
inquiry, and we may assume such things as the mathema- 
ticians commonly prove concerning it, as that it requires at 
least two (eo-riv ev eXa^crrot? bvaiv) and external goods and 
opportunity and the rest. 

' But how it stands (?rco9 e%et) in relation to Happiness it is 
fitting to consider, both for other reasons and because it is 
thought to be a good and to contribute not a little to Hap- 
piness. To many however, owing to the defect of human 
nature and the vicissitudes of fortune, it seems rather to be 
an evil, or at least disputable, so that it befits the prudent 
man to bethink him of the much quoted (7ro\vdpv\7jr6v) 
Solomonian Dictum Consider the end and call no man happy 
till he is divorced. 1 

' But those who speak thus escape notice not speaking 
plainly. Do they speak thus of those who have obtained the 
Decree Absolute (a7rX&J9) or the Decree Nisi (TO el ptj) ? For 
these indeed rejoice, though not always according to right 
reason, if they are unmindful of the saying of Simonides,. 

' " There is many a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip," 

and the decree be not made absolute, but those suffer a strange 
thing (aroiTov Travyovviv) if they are called happy on account 
of a marriage which is already non-existent. 

4 And again, in respect to what are those divorced to be called 
happy ? In respect to their past marriage or their present 
condition? If the one, is it not absurd to call them happy 
by reason of possessing what exists no longer ; if the other, 
how are they happier than those who never married at all ? 
But if any one quote Bias of Priene, correcting the saying 
of Theognis, 

' " 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have lost 
at all," 

he is defending a paradox. 

' And again is it the past marriage or the divorce which 
constitutes the happiness of the divorced? Now if it be 
the divorce, it is impossible that a single action, however 
beautiful, should make a man happy, but only a firm habit 
of action. It is clear therefore that not one divorce is needed, 
but many, to attain this happiness, and that one divorce does 

1 Susemeal by excision of the sacred syllable OM emends this into 
' Solonian,' though the MS. reading is quite clear. That Aristotle should 
thus show a knowledge of the Bible, and even of the Apocrypha, is no 
doubt surprising, but should only add to his reputation. 



THE LADIES' AEISTOTLE. 49 

not make happiness any more than one swallow makes a 
drink. 

' But if it be the past marriage, is it not strange to refuse 
to call a man happy then when he is happy, and to call him 
so when he is so no longer ? It is clear then that if it can 
decently be done the happily married must be called so when 
they are married, and not when they are divorced. 

' Shall we say then that their past marriage can contribute 
nothing to the happiness of the divorced? That indeed 
would be a very unkind doctrine (\iav a<f>i\ov) and contrary to 
opinions. But whatever influence reaches them must be 
very faint in their present condition, and not such as to 
control their happiness (ware icvpiov elvai). 

' Or, again, did Solomon perhaps think that only when a 
marriage was dissolved could its happiness safely be esti- 
mated ? In this indeed there is some speciousness, for there 
is great difficulty in establishing the happiness, or not, of a 
marriage. For it often happens that a marriage is at first 
happy and then turns to the reverse, even after many years, 
although the contrary of this hardly occurs. Wherefore, to 
one aiming at preciseness, it seems impossible to judge 
whether a marriage is happy or otherwise. 

' In this respect indeed the unhappy marriage seems far 
better. For, as Socrates said, "an unhappy marriage one 
may find out in a day, but a happy one not in many years ". 
Wherefore some contend that an unhappy marriage is both 
easier to achieve and more profitable, as being more knowable. 

' Nevertheless it may be said that all these talk nonsense. 
For have we not shown that though Happiness must not be for 
a day or a honeymoon, but for a " complete " period, it need 
not be for ever ? It follows therefore that it is not necessary 
to wait for a divorce before pronouncing a marriage happy or 
the reverse, but sufficient so to call it in a complete or perfect 
life (eV ySfcco reXetw)- And so it is manifest that the happy 
man, possessing all the excellences and goods, will also be 
happily married during a perfect life. But nothing prevents 
the bad and imperfect from being unhappy in marriage. 
For it is possible that the intrinsically good is bad for the 
bad. In spite of their badness, however, though they cannot 
be perfectly happy, they can yet be perfectly miserable in 
marriage. And thus do they also attain the end.' 



XL REALISM AND IDEALISM. 

A MODEKN PHILOSOPHICAL IDYLL. 
BY VERA WELLDON. 

STUFF with Nonsense took a stroll 
To talk about the weather, 
And they found that on the whole 
They got on well together. 

But presently " My friend," says Stuff, 
"I'm. what all Mind is made of " ; 
"Indeed," says Nonsense, in a huff, 
" That's just what I'm afraid of ! 

" Make up your ' Mind ' then, if you please, 
And let's have no more bluster, 
For every man of Sense agrees 
That Stuff's but filibuster." 

*' Oh, no," says Stuff, " a man of Sense 
Calls you not me mere clatter, 
For while you stand for nothing dense, 
At least I stand for Matter." 

" No Matter ! " Nonsense cries irate. 
" For Mind is all we know of ; 
It's full of me at any rate 
Enough to make a show of. 

" But here comes Cousin Common-sense, 
Who'll surely see me righted." 
" Not he," says Stuff, " for in pretence 
He beats us both united." 

Yet both to him appeal at once 

To read the mental riddle, 

Each thought the other was the dunce 

The " stick " of folly's " fiddle ". 



REALISM AND IDEALISM. 51 

But, " Stuffed with Nonsense is man's head," 
Says Common-sense severely, 
"And gingerly one has to tread 
When nothing comes out clearly. 

" Men credit others with a Mind 
Of their own Nonsense ' eject ' ; 
No wonder animals not blind 
Such powers of reasoning reject." 

Whereon the two make friends again, 
Dividing life between them, 
To puzzle sore the wits of men 
Who've talked, but never seen, them. 

Now if this precious Stuff you've read, 
Of Nonsense you'll be tired ; 
Pray write some Common-place instead, 
For then you'll be admired. 



XII. AUS ZARATHUSTRA'S NACHLASS. 

MlTGETEILT VON "IT". 

[How these papers escaped the vigilance of the Nietzsche Society and 
came to be contributed to MIND ! would be an interesting tale, if it could 
be told. Their cachet, however, is unmistakable. ED.] 

I. VOM ZAHNSCHMEBZ UND VOM UBERMENSCHEN. 

ALS Zarathustra einmal in die Stadt zog, die zubenannt war 
' die bunte Kuh,' stand auf dem Marktplatz ein Quacksalber 
und bot allerlei Zahnheilmittel fell. Das Yolk drangte sich 
eifrig um ihn her, und am eifrigsten eine Alte, die schon 
lange keinen Zahn mehr im Munde hatte. 

Da sprach Zarathustra zum Volke : 

Was glaubt ihr an Zahnschmerz und Zahnarzneimittel ! 
Glauben und Aberglauben ist euer Leben. Was liegt aber 
an Zahn und Zahnweh? Der Ubermensch wird kein 
Zahnweh bekommen : er soil dazu keine Zeit haben. Mit 
Zahnquacksalberei aber ist die Briicke zum Ubermenschen 
nicht zu bauen : an Zahnschmerz konnt ihr nicht einmal 
untergehen ! 

Das Volk aber murrte und sagte : 

Zarathustra, wir sind keine Ubermenschen, sondern 
Alltagsnienschen, und Zahnweh ist einmal da. Wenn du 
uns nicht als Zahnarzt helfen willst, so ziehe deines 
Weges ! 

Da wendete sich Zarathustra zu seinem Adler und zu 
seiner Schlange und sprach : 

Wahrlich, meine Tiere, mit euch komme ich besser aus 
als mit jenem zahnverwesten Pobel. Ohne Menschenzahne 
lebt ihr, stark, gesund und heiter, und fresst Frosche und 
Spatzen. Lauter Spatzen und Frosche sind die zahnschmerz- 
empfindlichen Kulturphilister. Euch aber wiirden sie nicht 
munden : denn sie sind zahm, und das echte Raubtier liebt 
nur Wildes. Also mogen sie sich in ihrem Sumpfleben 
aufzehren, bis auf den letzten hohlen Zahn ! Erst dann lasse 
ich den Ubermenschen kommen. 

Also sprach Zarathustra. 



AUS ZARATHUSTRA'S NACHLASS. 53 

II. VOM DlEBSTAHL UND VOM tJBERHUND. 

Feuerrot sind meine Dachshiindchen : schlangenartig ist 
ihr Leib. Weiss und scharf glanzen ihre Zahne : Zahnweh- 
getier sind sie nicht. Das Herz heiss wie's Feuer und den 
Kopf kiihl wie die Schlange so will ich den siegenden 
Held! 

Man berichtet mir, sie haben ein Stuck Fleisch gestohlen, 
und glaubt ich werde sie ziichtigen. Das ist der ' Kechtsinn ' 
der Gemeinen, wie ihn der Pobel von seinen verehrten Weisen 
gelernt, diesen tugendiastertragenden Packeseln ! 

Ich aber lobe euch, meine Hiindchen, dass ihr kiihii und 
frech stehlt. Freeh und offen wird auch der Ubermensch 
Alles an sich reissen wozu er Lust hat. Stehlen aber wird 
er nicht konnen : denn im Eeiche des Ubermenschen soil es 
kein Gesetz mehr geben, kein Gericht, und kein Eigentum. 
Darin seid ihr dem tlbermenschen selbst iiberlegen : denn 
Stehlen ist seliger als Nehmen. Heilig ist mir eure Tat : 
Uberhundchen sollt ihr mir heissen. 

Also sprach Zarathustra. 

III. VOM GEPACK UND VOM UBERMENSCHEN. 

Als Zarathustra aus Babylon fortreiste, hatte er einen 
Gepackschein. notig. Den bekam er auch, und zwar in 
Keilschrift, wie sonst alle Propheten. Zarathustra aber, als 
Iranier und Gottloser, wollte von der semitischen, gottes- 
dienstmassigen Priester-Kribbel-Krabbelkeilschrift gar nichts 
wissen. Als er den Schein nicht lesen konnte, ward er zor- 
nig und sprach zu seinen Jiingern : 

Schein und Gepackschein ! Was soil mir diese ' Hin- 
deutung auf Sein ' ? Schemgotter und Scheinglaube und 
Scheingotterpack zur Schau tragen : das ist Sklavenmoral. 
Wahrlich, mir ekelt vor diesen scheinheiligen keilschrift- 
gepackscheinausstellenden Frommen ! 

Ich aber, Zarathustra, der gott- und gepacklose, verkiindige 
euch den gepacklosen Ubermenschen. 

Kein Gepack und keinen Schein wird der Ubermensch 
brauchen : denn er soil als Gott tanzen, kleidlos und leidlos. 

In der ewigen Wiederkunft soil er ewig gepacklos tanzen, 
das Gepack aber soil nicht wiederkommen. 

Fort also init dem Scheme ! 

Also sprach Zarathustra. 



OF THE 

UNIVERSITY 



XIII. ABSOLUTE IDEALISM. 

BY HUGH LEIGH. 

ABSOLUTE Thought ! Grrr ! Grrr ! ! Grrr ! ! ! Absolute Eub- 
bish ! Bizz Ba Bosh ! Ssss Bosh ! ! Ssss Bosh ! # Pure 
Thought ! * Pure Eot ! * Hssk ! Ssssk ! Ssss ! ! ! * I shiver ! 
* Brr ! Brrrrr ! ! ! # Ow ! ! ! * Lemme go ! Lemme go ! ! Wa ! 
Woe ! Woo ! Eoo ! * * * Beast ! grrr ! Swine ! * * * Erh ! I 
wont ! Kazzle dazzle ! razzle dazzle ! ! * I must ! Zip ! Kah ! 
Boom ! Siss ! * I shall ! Hip-rah-buss-sis ! Sss ! ! Rah ! Kah ! 
Eah ! Brahma !!!*** Zip ! Boom ! Bang ! I AM ! ! ! Eah ! 
Eah ! Eah !, Eah ! Eah ! Eah !, Eah ! Eah ! Eah ! Harvard ! 
I'm Matter! Hah! Hah! Hah! Got im! Hah! Down! 
Yah ! Yah ! Yah ! Cornell ! I yell ! To Hell ! Cornell ! Hum 
golly good ! Ubble Bubble ! Where's thought now ! Eah ! 
hah! Eah! hah! Eah! Gone! Eah! Eah! Eah! Gee 
Hugh! Jehu! Gee! Gee! Ee ! Ee Hoo! Who! Hoo! lee! 
Hooley ! Hooley ! Loo ! Hooley ! loo ! jah ! Hugh Leigh ! 

( TAH\\\ 

At first we thought that this extraordinary production was 
a jumble of nonsense from a contributor who had suddenly 
gone mad over the study of Hegel. Next we thought it was 
a collection of the latest American * College Yells '. Finally 
after great perplexities the truth dawned on us. It was a 
new and terribly effective criticism of Idealism by an appal- 
ling eruption of long-suppressed Matter. What Mr. Bradley 
had prophetically foreseen long ago had happened. The 
Irrational had revolted and its revolt was irreparable ! 

The mischief being done, it remained only to understand it, 
and so we thought it better to publish it, refraining from 
any comment, beyond printing Mr. Bradley's prophecy as 
the completest commentary on the situation. 

" To the arguments urged by the reason, and which de- 
monstrate that an element which is not intelligible is nothing, 
I possibly might not find an intelligible reply [It hasn't]. 
But I comfort my mind with the thought that if myself, 
when most truly myself, were pure intelligence, I at least 



ABSOLUTE IDEALISM. 55 

am not likely to survive the discovery [Nobody is /], or be 
myself when I wake from a pleasant delusion. And perhaps 
it may stand with the philosopher's reason, as it stood with 
the sculptor who moulded the lion. When in the reason's 
philosophy the rational appears dominant and sole possessor of the 
world [italics ours], we can only wonder what place would be left 
to it, if the element excluded might break through the charm of the 
magic circle, and, without growing rational, could find expression." 
[There would only be room inside, we fear, and, for a thought 
which has long been accustomed to absorb and transmute all 
things, the process of being itself gobbled up must be dis- 
gusting!] "Such an idea may be senseless, and such a 
thought may contradict itself " [Why not find out whether it 
does?], " but it serves to give voice to an obstinate instinct " 
[Which now seems to have got both voice and the upper 
hand !]. (Principles of Logic, pp. 532-533.) 

ED., MIND ! 



XIV. ZUR PHANOMENOLOGIE DES ABSO- 
LUTEN UNSINNS. 

VON PKOF. DR. G. W. FLEGEL. 

BEKANNTEEWEISE wurde es erst durch meine Werke auch 
dem philosophisch ungebildetsten Leser ermoglicht an der 
Entwicklung des absoluten Wissens teil zu nehmen und den Gang 
der Sache selbst ehrfurchtsvoll zu verfolgen. Nun aber geht 
die Sache der absoluten Philosophic leider schlecht, und seit 
einigen Jahren immer schlechter. Es wird dadurch zum 
Zweck und zur Pflicht des absoluten Geistes dieselbe wieder 
auf die Beine zu verhelfen, und zwar nicht dadurch dass er die 
Ergebnisse der dialektischen Methode aufgibt, sondern dadurch 
dass er dieselbe konsequent fortsetzt, und, indem er sich die 
heilsame Bewegung des Sichselbstsetzens macht, sich iiber 
alle die sichselbstzersetzenden Einwiirfe der Andern unbeirrt 
hinwegsetzt. Nun stellt es sich merkwiirdigerweise heraus 
dass diese Fortsetzung am erfolgreichsten am Anfang erfolgt, 
und in Folge dessen zugleich als Vomussetzung sich vorstellt. 
Mit andern Worten, der absolute Geist stellt sich am Anfang 
vor als die absolute Voraussetzung seiner selbst als dem An und 
Fur Sich der reinen Vernunft der er nachstellt. Es diirfte 
aber bei dieser insichselbstzuriickkehrenden Bewegung der 
reinen Vernunft Einem der Verstand stille stehen, und, da in 
Folge dessen der Geist ausser sich geriete, die Ansicht sich 
festsetzen, dass mit dem Absoluten absolut Nichts weder 
anzufangen noch einzufangen sei. Doch mit Nicht en ; denn 
dieser Anfang ist an sich abstrakt, und, wie alles raumzeitliche 
Geschehen, als solcher nur wesenloser Schein welchen die 
bewusstlose Faselei des sichselbstgleichen Selbstbewusstseins 
zurn Ergotzen des zufalligen verworrenen und verwirrenden 
Bewusstseins seiner selbst erzeugt. Somit wird das in sich 
selbst reflektirte Anheben der dialektischen Bewegung keines- 
wegs zu ihrem Aufheben, noch zuni Aufheben ihrer Wahrheit ; 
vielmehr ist angehoben nicht aufgehoben, noch aufgehoben auf- 
geschoben, und die Wahrheit, die gut aufgehoben, ist aufbewahrt 
und erst recht wahr und bewdhrt. Der als solcher sich 
ergebende Anfang der Bewegung ist also nur aufgeschoben 



ZUR PHANOMENOLOaiE DES ABSOLUTEN UNSINNS. 57 

oder vielmehr zuruckgeschoben, indem sich die Vorstellung 
einer anfanglicheren Bewegung vor ihm stellt. Dem anfang- 
lichena SEIN, welches sich im Nicht-Sein aufhob und im 
Werden vollendete, stellt sich also das DEIN vor, als das 
Anfanglichere. Noch uranfdnglicher aber ist das MEIN, 
welches als der absolute Anfangspunkt (und daher auch End- 
_punkt) der Entwicklung des Geistes angesehen werden darf. 
Heine Meinung ist also kurz und biindig diese : Im Anfang 
ist Alles mein : das Hein schnappt indessen in das Dein iiber, 
welches, indem es sich entaussert, in das Sein iibergeht, und 
dadurch den beruhmten Gang der dialektischen Methode 
angeht. Dieser Anfang aber bildet zugleich den Beschluss 
der Phdnomenologie des absoluten Unsinns und die Schadelstatte 
wo sich der absolute Geist den Kopf zerbrochen hat. Denn. 

" Nur aus dem Unsinn dieses Hegelreiches 
Schaumt ihm die Unsinnlichkeit." 



XV. PHOLISOPHY'S LAST WORD 

(AFTEE A WOMAN'S LAST WOED). 
BY I. M. GEEENING. 

GEIEVED be thou no more, child. 

That to think 
Leaves things as before, child ; 

Only wink ! 

What so true as words are ? 

True for me ! 
What so safe as girds are 

Up a tree ? 

See the sages stalking 

With their cleek ; 
Listen to their talking, 

Tongue in cheek ! 

When the leaves are drowning 

Let them rot ; 
When the nut is browning 

Crack it not. 

Ware fresh fruit of knowledge 

To admit, 
Lest they share thy college, 

Eve and it. 

Be a god and bid me 

Banish sense ; 
Be a man and rid me 

Of pretence. 

Teach, but not too clearly,. 

This great Thought, 
That the World is merely 

ONE plus Nought. 

Duty means transcending 

Good and 111 ; 
Certainty pretending 

What you will. 



PHOLISOPHY'S LAST WORD. 59 

Leave Kant, Hegel, Schelling 

To their night ; 
Nietzsche is more telling 

Out of sight. 

Who said " What a bore," child? 

Gracious me ! 
When MIND ! hits life's core, child, 

And truth's key ! 



XVI. THE EQUIPMENT AND MANAGEMENT OF 
A MODERN ORACLE. 

BY UESUS SPEL^US (AMEEICANUS). 

To give good advice, said Schopenhauer, is easy ; to take 
it, hard ; to cease taking it, impossible. He infers that we 
had better give up giving and take to taking it. But as he 
does not tell us what is to induce us to take it, his advice is 
not practical. It is also uneconomical and unworthy of the 
commercial age we live in. For why should one give what 
is worth much money, and, when properly brought before the 
public, will fetch it? That the public pays generously and 
even greedily for bad advice is shown by its patronage of 
sporting prophets and stock-exchange tipsters. It may 
reasonably be conjectured, therefore, that it would pay still 
more for really good advice, if it were presented to it in a suffi- 
ciently attractive and impressive form. To effect this and 
many other laudable objects a Syndicate called the Mind ! 
Association has recently been formed, which incontestably 
offers an attractive investment to persons endowed with 
capital and imagination. 

It proposes to resuscitate an ancient, famous and well- 
tried method of getting people to take advice (on strictly 
cash terms), which, with the modern mechanical improve- 
ments it is intended to introduce, should prove simply irre- 
sistible. In other words the Mind ! Association has obtained 
from the Greek Government a concession for the famous and 
beautiful island of Delos and has resolved to establish thereon 
a FIEST-CLASS ORACLE. An abridged prospectus of the 
DELIAN ORACLE Co., giving full information as to the com- 
mercial aspects of the scheme, will be found at the end of 
this article : its present aim is only to explain the methods 
which open out to a Modern Oracle the prospect of a most 
beneficent, influential and profitable career. 

In the first place it cannot be too strongly emphasised that 
the advice given by the Oracle will be GOOD. Even if it 
should not in the first instance appear good, the Oracle will 
soon be in a position to make it good. To enable it to give 



EQUIPMENT AND MANAGEMENT OF A MODERN ORACLE. 61 

good advice, to make it good, and to keep it good, no expense 
or trouble will be spared. The Oracle will retain the services- 
of the highest professional talent from the prophet and 
clairvoyant down to the doctor and mechanician, and the 
possession of the best information on all subjects interesting 
to mankind will enable it to give the best advice with regard 
to them. In modern times both the collection and the trans- 
mission of such information have been so greatly facilitated 
that the Delian Oracle will be in a position easily to transcend 
the greatest achievements (in this line) of its forerunners and 
competitors. We have the men, we have the money, the 
only thing w r e still need is the organisation. And that the 
Delian Oracle will supply ! 

In order to avoid misconception it will be necessary next 
to define the position of the Oracle with regard to Prophecy. 
The Oracle will not of course disdain to prophesy when 
necessary, to avail itself of all trustworthy sources of pro- 
phetic information, or to use the appropriate methods of 
making its prophecies come true. On the contrary it will 
collect, collate and concentrate the prophetic material which 
now exists in a scattered form, and employ on its staff the 
most efficient prophets that love or money can procure. But 
its Directors do not intend to substitute Prophecy for Good 
Advice as the staple product of the Oracle, but to keep it 
strictly subsidiary. To know the future is valuable only if 
it enables men to act rightly, and it is this doctrine which the 
deliverances of the Oracle will enforce. Again, knowledge 
of the future is much commoner than the sense to use it, 
and so it will be the latter which by preference the Oracle 
will supply. Moreover the Directors are keenly alive to the 
fact that Prophecy is and has been, for the most part, in an 
utterly unregulated, uncritical and chaotic condition, and 
consequently quite untrustworthy. They infer that what the 
subject requires is systematic schooling, and hence propose 
to establish in connexion with the Oracle a scientific School 
of the Prophets, the syllabus of which w r ill be found below. 

With regard to Miracles the Oracle will preserve a similar 
attitude. They will not be performed wholesale. To do so 
would only vulgarise them and destroy their impressiveness. 
It would also be demoralising and discourage self-help. More- 
over trivial miracles on trivial occasions are undignified. At 
the same time if a suitable occasion should arise, the Oracle 
will be thoroughly equipped to take advantage of it. Again 
with the mechanical and other improvements of modern 
times the results should infinitely surpass those of antiquity. 

The Consultation Fees which the Oracle will demand will 



62 UKSTJS SPEL^IUS (AMERICANUS) : 

be on a scale proportionate to the magnificence of the whole 
installation. It is obvious from what has been said that the 
Oracle will have to ask, will ask, and will receive, high fees, 
and make large profits. In general the Oracle will be con- 
ducted on the principle of giving no credit but taking all it 
can. At the same time, in order to give all a chance of par- 
ticipating in its benefits, there will charitably be instituted 
certain festivals on which consultations will be given gratis 
to the poor. In connexion with this it will probably be 
necessary to have a lottery, in order to decide which of the 
applicants are to be admitted to the shrine. 

But after all what will chiefly distinguish the Delian Oracle 
from all similar enterprises in the past will be the com- 
pleteness and perfection of its mechanical equipment. The 
Directors recognise that the success of a modern science de- 
pends largely, if not wholly, on the elaboration of a technical 
terminology and the generous provision of instruments for 
a, laboratory. What, for instance, would Experimental Psy- 
chology be without these ? Similarly it was felt that Oracular 
Science, or Mantic, must retain a pseudoscientific aspect so 
long as it was not adequately provided in these respects. 
Hence the Board have sanctioned a liberal expenditure on 
the instruments and arrangements, the use of which will be 
clear from the following account of the normal mode of con- 
sultation. 

On admission to the sanctuary the applicant for divine 
guidance will find himself in the great outer court or colon- 
nade, liberally provided with Doves, Sirens * and Pseudomants. 
Having handed his name to the Big Drum Recorder by means 
of an Autosilligraph, he waits at a Tilt Table or in an Irritation 
Chair until the god announces his pleasure to receive him 
through the Stentor bellows. He is then subjected to careful 
anthropometric examination by means of (1) the Plutometer 
(after which he pays his fee, which is recorded in the Pro- 
phetometer), 2 (2) the Pseudometer, (3) the Follimeter, (4) the Snobo- 
scope. Next the Psychopomps and their assistants convey him 
into the bath-room, where he is purified by Bathometers and 
Hip Chronoscopes. After this he is cast into the Chamber of 
Horrors and exposed to the Horror scopes. He is then taken 
into the Innermost Shrine or Cella, where the Pythia sits on the 
Sacred Tripod over the exhalations of the Prophetic Vein, and is 
separated from her only by a Listening Moral Law Screen. The 

1 These did not originally belong to the worship of Apollo, but will be 
found both ornamental and useful. 

2 An improved form of the Cash Register. 



EQUIPMENT AND MANAGEMENT OF A MODERN ORACLE. 63 

Pythia having transmitted the god's advice, the Chief Metro- 
gnome, having cast it into gnomic form and added all the 
requisite metrical improvements, recites it to the client, who 
then withdraws reverently, and is left for a while to recover 
from his ordeal. He is given Memory Drops in order that he 
may rightly remember what he was told. He may enter the 
Silent Boom and contemplate its Mutoscopes. He may pene- 
trate into the Dark Booms and Secret Chambers lavishly fur- 
nished with Rheostats, Di rheostats, and Arcanographs, and 
capable of being still further darkened. He may examine 
himself by means of the Prospectoscopes, Oneiroscopes, Humbugo- 
meters, or amuse himself by watching the play of the Collido- 
scopes. Finally he will issue from the temple to the music 
and the forking tunes of the Decampimeter and return to his 
usual avocations relieved in his mind and purse. 

In addition to the instruments already mentioned the 
laboratories of the Oracle must have an electric and prophetic 
Power Supply, and will also be fully furnished with Indirect 
Prevision Colour Mixers, Pantelevators (for raising moral tones), 
Fall Phonometers, Telephotometers and other Telephotographic 
Apparatus, Chronographs, Kymographs, Tel&sthesiometers, Per- 
sonometers, 1 Telestereoscopes , Olfactometers of every sort, and 
Semnophones. 

It need hardly be said, however, that the instruments 
thus grouped under various (non-) sense names are by no 
means exclusively (non-) sensational instruments. Instruc- 
tion in the use of this whole apparatus will form part of the 
work of the School of Prophets, with a sketch of which this 
article may fitly conclude. Students will be admitted to the 
institution after examination in such propaideutic subjects as 
mechanics, prestidigitation, physics, physiology, psychology 
(general and experimental), hypnotism, psychical research, 
logic, ethics and metaphysics, and the ideal length of the 
course will be three years. It will readily be apprehended, 
however, that the time actually required will depend on the 
progress and proficiency of the pupils. 

In the first year, the student's mind having been properly 
purified by fizzemetics 2 and exercised by chopsylogisms, the sub- 
jects studied will comprise the Elements of Magic and the 
usual forms of Mantic (Necromantic, etc.), special stress 
however being laid on Onomantic, Semantic, and Oneiromantic. 
The abler students should also find time for oneirocritical 
and sortilogical exercises. In the second year the chief 

1 Improved and more powerful Sonometers. 

2 The American spelling of physametics. ED. 



64 UESUS SPEL2EUS (AMEEICANUS) : 

subjects will be Advanced Magic (in Black and White), Mis- 
haptics, Heliostatics and Pseudoptics. In the third year the 
course will conclude with instructions in Synoptics, Ecstatics,. 
Fascination, Geloiology and the Use of Semnophones. Students 
will normally be expected to work at least ten hours a 
day, but bodily health will be preserved by the practice 
of Corybantics, Semantics, and other antics. Instruction will 
be free, but the Oracle will reserve to itself the right of 
retaining the services of any of the Graduates of its School 
of Prophets. 



THE DELIAN OKACLE CO. (LIMITED). 

Capital. 
1,000,000 

divided into 

100,000 Six Per Cent. Preference Shares and 

100,000 Extraordinary Shares, 

of 5 each. 

Directors. 

I. N. ROADS, Esq. Chairman of Utopia Unlimited and 

Director of the Afrodesian Exploratwn Co. 
I. WINK, Esq. Sporting Prophet of The Turf. 
A. GIDEON, Esq. Financial Tipster of Good Words. 
FKANK MAEKS, Esq. City Editor of The Bad Times. 
NIMIUM CAEUS, Esq. Editor of The Moneyist. 

U. SPELAEUS, Esq., Director of the Mind ! Association, and 
APOLLO, of the Olympian Deities Syndicate, will join the Board 
after allotment, as representatives of the promoters. 

Bankers. 
Messrs. CAVE & TUGWELL. 

Solicitors. 
Messrs. HAZEY & FOGG. 

KASSANDEA VIVACIA, Pythia. 

ZADKIEL, Major Prophet. 

CALCHAS DIPLOMATICUS, Minor Prophet. 

Messrs. TIEESIAS, JEEEMIAH, MOHAMMED and CAELYLE 
have consented to act as the Advisory Committee in the 
Shades. 



EQUIPMENT AND MANAGEMENT OF A MODERN ORACLE. 65 

This Company has been formed to take over from the 
Mind ! Association its rights as owners of the ISLAND OF 
DELOS, together with the extensive rights (including Mining 
Eights and Jurisdiction) granted to it by a CONCESSION from 
the Greek Government, which reserves to itself only the 
Suzerainty of the Island. The Company's purpose will be 
to refound and operate the once famous Delian Oracle of 
Apollo. 

The Island of Delos, one of the smallest but loveliest of 
the Cyclades, is at present situated in the Greek Archipelago. 
But according to ancient tradition it was originally a FLOAT- 
ING ISLAND, which was fastened by Zeus to the bottom of 
the ^Egean with adamantine chains, in order that it might 
safely bear Leto, and she in her turn the twin deities sub- 
sequently celebrated as Apollo and Artemis. 

Modern archaeology has confirmed this, like so many 
other legends, and it has also been ascertained that in the 
course of ages these chains have been almost worn through. 
Hence Col. Boreham, E.E., the celebrated martinet, reports 
that he would have no difficulty in boring through them with 
his diamond drill, in which event the Island would, owing to 
its extraordinary specific levity, once more become a floating 
island. 

In order that this, however, may be done to advantage, it 
would be necessary to devise machinery capable of navigat- 
ing the Island safely and successfully. With the recent 
improvements of the Steereoscope, however, this difficulty may 
be said to have been overcome, and it will consequently be 
possible to transport the Island, either by tugs or winds, 
aided by auxiliary steam engines on the Island itself, to 
whatever part of the Mediterranean may seem most attractive 
and expedient. The Island will sail under the Greek flag, but 
will be registered as 100 A 1 at Lloyd's. It is intended in 
the first instance to anchor it off the Kiviera during the season. 

It is manifest that the novelty of its procedure together 
with its natural mobility, will give it incalculable attractions 
as a health resort. 

Owing to its size, as compared even with the largest 
steamers, and its moderate rate of speed, its motion will, 
however, be no more sensible than that of the Earth itself, 
no fear of sea-sickness need be entertained, and even the 
most fastidious need not be alarmed lest they should be 
disturbed by the proximity of any Cyclades. 

With regard to the remarkable mineral resources of the 
Island, on which the chief success of the Oracle and the 
Company must ultimately depend, the subjoined report of the 

5 



66 URSUS SPEL^US (AMERICANUS) : 

well-known Mining Expert, Mr. D. O. M. Browne, M.E., C.E, 
M.I.C.E., is conclusive. He says : 

" Amid the French excavations of the Temple of Apollo I dis- 
covered, within a few feet of the surface, a prophetic vein whose 
extraordinary richness may be gauged by the fact that it yielded 
upon assay no less than . . . l per cent, of the theoretically pre- 
dicted maximum. . . . The Specific Levity of the Island I estimate 
at "0125, which is ample to support the buildings contemplated, 
and indeed any other construction that can be put upon it. It is 
chiefly caused by the rich veins of desiccated Humour which per- 
meate the whole structure of the Island, and become evident wher- 
ever you bore it. At the North end especially the deposits are so 
plentiful as to form a veritable COMIC MINE, Ihe produce of which 
might be largely exported without sensibly upsetting the balance of 
the Island." 

The Purchase Consideration is 500,000 in Extraordinary 
Shares, leaving the whole of the 500,000 Preference Shares 
available as working capital for the development of the Island. 

It is proposed to erect a handsome marble Temple of 
Apollo over the Prophetic Vein, and to build or sell sites for 
a number of First-class Modern Hotels at suitable points on 
the Island. 

At each side of the entrance to the Temple there will be a 
number of entrancing Side Shows for the performance of 
Corybantics, Sacred Dancing, etc., the rental of which will 
add to the income of the Company. 

The Directors have concluded a provisional contract of a 
very advantageous character with the Company operating the 
tables at Monte Carlo, affording them a refuge on the Island 
and a site for a branch establishment, which, in the event of 
trouble with the Prince of Monaco, would be converted into 
the chief centre of their business. To obviate, however, any 
moral exception that may possibly be taken to this arrange- 
ment, the Directors beg to announce that the Oracle will 
systematically discountenance the proceedings of the gaming 
tables, and refuse, on principle, to prophesy the lucky numbers 
of the day. 

Negotiations are proceeding with a view to establishing an 
Asylum for Sceptics, for whose cure by Suggestion the Island 
will afford unequalled facilities. 

The Directors are at present considering applications for 
licences from the Society of Select Sirens and the Amalga- 

J For fear of European complications the Directors consider it advis- 
able to withhold the actual figures. They will, however, be communicated 
in confidence to bona fide shareholders. 



EQUIPMENT AND MANAGEMENT OF A MODEEN ORACLE. 67 

mated Herd of Harpies. Provision has already been made 
for high-class Centaur-Kacing and Golf Lynx. 

On the prospects of the political and financial influence 
which the Oracle seems likely to acquire the Directors con- 
sider it premature to enlarge. They do not, however, desire 
to conceal their conviction that eventually these may become 
the most important and remunerative parts of the Company's 
business. 

The Company having obtained Apollo's Patent Eights and 
Trade Secrets, it is intended to establish Branch Oracles in 
suitable spots when and as they may be required. 

N.B. There is no duty on foreign oracles in the U.S. tariff. 

It is evident that in some or all of these ways the Company 
will shortly find itself in the possession of a large and progress- 
ive income. Indeed the Dividend on its Preference Shares 
is ALREADY ASSURED, and they may therefore be regarded as 
a FIRST-CLASS INVESTMENT. 



XVII. THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. 

KHYMES BEYOND KEASON. 

THIS important History of Philosophy is the fruit of long and 
anxious cogitation upon the proper method of teaching the 
subject. Its merits are novelty and conciseness. The Editors, 
however, neither guarantee the historical accuracy of the 
facts alluded to in these rhymes, nor hold themselves respon- 
sible for any of the opinions or sentiments expressed. Any 
one who has ever seriously tried to be a poet knows that 
all such matters are principally determined by the exigen- 
cies of rhyme. For the same reason we have had to omit 
many distinguished names which we should gladly have 
inserted, if it had been possible to obtain rhymes for them 
for love or money. The names of the persons concerned 
have been suppressed for obvious reasons. They will be 
found however in the index. 1 Contributors to MIND ! 
have enjoyed the singular privilege of writing their own 
" Limericks," without being charged the usual advertise- 
ment rates. 

The order is both chronological and logical. 

I ANCIENT PHILOSOPHY. 

1. 

Though T held all things were water,, 

He married a wine merchant's daughter : 

From a corner in oil 

He gathered great spoil, 
And routed the " City " with slaughter. 

2. 

"At one time," said A , 

" We sprang from a great Salamander,, 

1 If not before. 



THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. I. 69 

Grew smoother and drier, 
Democratic and higher, 
Evolving a vast Gerrymander." 

3. 

H , the Dark One, 1 declared 

" My damp sheets aren't properly aired, 

The better is drier, 

I swear by the Fire ! 
I'll give up my priesthood to C ! " 2 

4. 

" I, sternly monistic, P , 

The Many consign to th' Eumenides, 

All Being is One ! " 

" Yet, pardon the pun, 
'Tis true you yourself are IF many D's ! " 

5. 

A paradox crafty of Z 's, 

A cousin perplexed of Dan Leno's, 

Cried he, " I'd no notion 

There couldn't be motion ! 
I'll go to the Devil p'raps he knows ! " 

6. 

Young Z had only one notion 

To prove that there couldn't be Motion. 

But his father said, " D ! 

Why solvitur am 
bulando : go fetch me a potion ! " 

7. 

When issuing NOTS ! A 

Was asked : "Are you sage now, or wagorass? " 

He replied : " Why of that, 

'Tis as plain as my hat, 
Mans the Measure. I hold with P " 



1 6 (TKOTflVOS. 

2 "What does this mean ? "ED., MIND ! " Don't you know that H 

was a High Priest and Master of the School of Prophets at Ephesus with 

.the Trpoedpia and the scarlet gown ? " AUTHOR. 



70 THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. 

8. 

"All's woeful and vain," said Heraclitus, 1 
" All's Atoms and Void," said D . 

" 'Tis Matter for laughter, 

' Gay Science ' I'm after, 
Or even a tale of Theocritus ! " 

9. 

An accomplished Milesian A 
To Athens came over from Asia 

Where she kept a salon, 2 

To her statesmen a boon, 
And Perikles struck with aphasia. 

10. 

An idle old lounger was S 

(Though Plato a martyr the bloke rates) ; 

When they asked " Is it sooth 

You're corrupting the youth? " 
" You clearly don't know 'em ! " said S 3 

11. 

The divinest philosopher, P , 

Proved comforting very to Cato ; 

But our wiseacres laugh, 

Immortality chaff, 
And think him the smallest potato. 

12. 

An Asklepiad, great A , 

Felt terribly tempted to throttle 

Alexander, his pup ; 

But they asked him to sup, 
So he buried his wrath in a bottle. 

1 " Isn't the 'I' long ? "ED., MIND ! " No shortened by poetic licence." 
AUTHOR. " Won't do ; must draw the line somewhere. I shall draw it 
over the eye. You must try again." ED., MIND ! " All right How's 
this? 

" With fooling one must meet men's folly 

D found it quite jolly ; 

In Atoms and Void 
He really enjoyed . 

Specifics against melancholy." AUTHOR. 
" That will do much better, thank you." ED., MIND 1 

2 We have, of course, changed our contributor's (presumably American) 
spelling ' saloon,' in deference to universal historical tradition. ED. 

3 " Is this a fact ? " ED., MIND ! " Yes, on the authority of a recent exam- 
ination paper, in which I found it almost verbatim ! " AUTHOR. 



THE M.A.P. HISTOKY OF PHILOSOPHY. I. 71 

13. 

We hedonists, said A , 



Discomforts detest when they grip us, 

So wealth we adore, 

The moment live for, 
And take what the rich 'Arries tip us. 

14. 

E , famed master of swine, 

Bred some pigs that (like Horace) were fine 

But the pig that was taken 

And turned into B 
Came quite of a different line. 

15. 

Archie M , with lever and screw, 

Tried raising this planet a few : 

But he soon cried " Hallo ! 

Where on Earth's my TTOV O-TM ? 
They told me I couldn't : it's true ! " 

16. 

A Stoic and slave, E , 

With courtesy ventured to greet us : 

But his master, enraged, 

In prison him caged 
And told us to go, or he'd beat us ! 

17. 

Said the paragon Emperor, M , 

" On ponderings let us embark us, 
All virtues we'll borrow, 
Take thought for the morrow, 
The world cannot fail to remark us ". 

18. 

The great thaumaturge, A , 

A wonder contrived so felonious, 

That they bade him globe-trot 
Cried the sage, " This is rot ! 

For surely I look sanctimonious ! " 

19. 

When Cyril met lovely H 

He shouted, " Come, lemnie embrace yer ! " 

She cried, " Get away, monk ! 

You clearly are quite drunk ! " 
And abandoned the city for Asia. 



72 THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. 

20. 

Of Egypt's weird wisdom Great T 

The mysteries showed me on oath, 
Neith's Image unveiled, 
Ed's Boat with me sailed : 
Such secrets to tell you I'm loth ! 

21. 

Life's Struggle than thou, Z -, 

Who pictures us finer or vaster ? 

Poetic and true, 

I marvel thy view 
The world has not managed to master ! 

22. 

The infinite self-absorbed B 

Was dreaming the World-Panorama ; 
He groaned and he snored, 
Till at length he grew bored, 
And woke up, and broke up the Drama. 

23. 

V- , Preserver Eternal, 
Of Evil I deem you the kernel, 
For if good and evil 
You are, you're the Devil, 
And the world you preserve is infernal ! 

24. 

V , Preserver Eternal 

Of all worlds, however 'external,' 

Why were you a boar ? l 

Why are you no more ? 
Don't you think that the bore is eternal ? 

25. 

Of India's Trimurti dark S 

1 fear was the gayest deceiver ; 

He carried off Maya, 
And made her his ayah ; 
So people refused to receive her. 

26. 

A famous Scholastic, named A , 

Quite morbidly every tabby barred ; 

Cried the Canon, " What's that? 

I'll give him the cat ! " 
And terribly hurt him, the blaggyard ! 

1 One of his most popular impersonations. 



THE M.A.P. HISTOEY OF PHILOSOPHY. I. 73 

27. 

Said Tom, the great Saint of A , 

" Theology's Sum is what we know, 

My creed is scholastic, 

God's very elastic, 
Don't dare to expect that of me ! No ! " 

28. 

'The Doctor Subtilis, old D , 

A Scotsman addicted to puns, 

Maintained the Haecceity 

Of Man and the Deity ; 
On fast days he lived upon buns. 

29. 
"" To multiply beings," said 0- 



" Is needless, 'tis better to dock 'em ! " 

So he seized on his razor, 

This pestilent phraser, 
And ran out to bloodily block 'em. 1 

30. 

A Frenchman, whose name was D , 

Enlarged Geometrical Art, 

His X, Y, and Z, 

Although he's long dead, 
Still play a most prominent part. 

31. 

A pestilent Jew, named S , 

To Yahveh put many a poser, 

Till he went to the Hague 

And died of the plague ; 2 
Nowadays he'd have gone to Arosa. 

32. 

Thought the wily Lord Chancellor B , 

Whose faith in old methods was shaken, 

"I'll simply set to 

And start things anew 
On the path that Posterity's taken ! " 

1 " Don't understand. O 's razor yes : to 'block ' razors, also ; but 

why ' bloodily ' ? " ED., MIND ! " To cut off their blockheads, of course I 
You also need it." AUTHOR. 

2 " Surely S died of consumption, did he not ? " ED., MIND ! " Yes, 

that is why he would have gone to Arosa." AUTHOR. "But you say he 
died of the plague." ED., MIND ! " That is because he died at the Hague. "- 
AUTHOR. " It's very puzzling." ED. " All the rhyme." AUTHOR. 



74 THE M.A.P. HISTOEY OF PHILOSOPHY. 

33. 

With his mythical monsters old H 

Gave his readers some terrible jobs ; 
Now they've put on Hobbs Locke, 
At Behemoths they mock, 
And jeer at Leviathan's sobs. 

34. 

Now this is the legend of L , 

Of Christ Church a Student and hock ; 

On primary Matter 

He did not grow fatter ; 
But dealt at innateness a knock. 

35. 

Sir Isaac, our chroniclers say, 
Slept under an apple all day ; 

When it fell on his nose, 

And disturbed his repose, 
" Gravitation ! " he shouted, " Hooray ! " 

36. 

High-minded was good Bishop B , 

Through Matter he saw his God darkly : 

His notions of Vision 

Excited derision, 
And multitudes stared at him starkly. 

37. 

A canny old Scotchman was H , 

Of dogmas he sounded the doom ; 

They call him a sceptic, 

His thought's antiseptic, 
In ' answers ' there isn't a boom. 

38. 

'Twixt Monads, Herr L , you see, 

Communion can't possibly be : 

You are one ; so am I, 

So it's useless to try 
To fathom your " Philosophic ". 

39. 

A German philosopher, L , 

Said one thing that's rather impressing : 

" To hunt than to hold 

Truth is, I make bold 
To reckon, the far greater blessing ". 



THE M.A.P. HISTOEY OF PHILOSOPHY. I. 75 

40. 

A Prussian professor named K , 

Proposed to his own maiden aunt ; 

Cried she in a huff : 

" I've heard quite enough ! 
What, many you? Nonsense ! I shan't ! " 1 

41. 

Das Ich mit dem Nicht-Ich sich F 

Besah einst bei unsicherm Lichte ; 

Er rief : " Das Ich setzt sich ! 

Unding ! Es entsetzt mich ! 
Das Ich macht das Nicht-Ich zu Nichte ! " 

42. 

A German professor named S 

His doctrines proved simply by yelling ; 

He shouted aloud, 

And attracted a crowd, 
When questioned, he'd say : " That is telling 1 " 

43. 

Als beriihinter Professor noch H 

Mit Begriffen oft spielte er Kegel ; 

Ihn erblickt' die Idee 

Und rief aus " Herr Je ! 
1st das H ? Was ist das ein Flegel ! " 

44. 

Sir Peter P. Pullinger, Bart., 
Abandoned his wife for his art. 

But she found him again, 

Manifestly insane, 
As a German Professor called Her Bart. 

45. 

A pessimist, great S , 

Found living exceedingly sour, 

At Hegel he cursed, 

His grievances nursed, 
And poured forth his wrath by the hour. 

1 " Surely this is not historical ? " ED., MIND ! " Not altogether. She 
really uttered only two words the rest is poetical licence." AUTHOR. 
" What were they ? "ED. " A nti-Kant ! See ? Can you see what Aunty 
can't ? " AUTHOR. 



76 THE M.A.P. HISTOEY OF PHILOSOPHY. 

46. 

Nowadays it is held that a lot 
Of the P theology's rot ; 

Though at Cambridge still read, 

It may be called dead, 
While Palae-ontology's not. 

47. 

" Than worship a wicked God," M 
Said, " in Hell I would far rather grill ! " 

But tutors like joking, 

And fun at him poking ; 
They worry his poor old bones still. 

48. 

Great D shows Man, by his shape, 

Is sprung from an Anthropoid Ape ; 

Though you needn't believe 

That Adam and Eve 
Had tails, they'd a narrow escape ! 

49. 

Now Balliol's great Master was J , 

Quite plainly the anecdotes show it : 

" Do well and succeed 

Comes first in my creed, 
No failures for me, if I know it ". 

50. 

To deepen our consciousness G 

At Oxford appeared on the scene : 

" O thinker obscure, 

Why don't you make sure 
That you know what you think that you mean ? " 

51. 

The latest * immoralist,' N , 

A very poor sort of a creature, 

Was morbidly vain 

And wholly insane, 
A lunatic posing as preacher. 



XVIIL "ELIZABETH'S" VISITS TO PHILO- 
SOPHERS. 

BY L. IN HEK GRIN. 

I. 

KONIGSBERG, Monday. 

DEAREST MAMMA, 

I am sure you will be pleased to hear that we have 
safely got to the end of our horridly long journey this evening 
at seven, and that I am to call on the Great Philosopher to- 
morrow, armed with the letter which the Minister of Educa- 
tion, Herr von Zedlitz, very kindly gave me at Harry's request, 
when we stayed a day at Berlin. I did so hate the idea of 
going away to visit all these strange old philosophers in order 
to be cured of my giddiness and taught to be more serious, 
but you know what a good daughter I am, and how unlike 
most in these days and how dutifully I always do what you 
tell me, and mind you don't forget to give me those pearls 
you promised me if I would try to become wise and serious 
like the Owl of Minerva, or whoever it was. And really, dearest 
Mother, now that I am here I quite like the idea, and think 
it, Oh, such fun ! For in its way it is quite as risque and un- 
conventional as anything I have ever done on my other visits, 
and I am quite excited about it and have to keep on telling my- 
self that to the pure all things are pure. Because they're not, 
you know, but it's much more amusing if you make believe. 

Nothing much happened to me on the journey except that 
Minister von Zedlitz said that he deserved a kiss for giving 
me the introduction (the idea ! and he so fat and beery too !), 
and that the engine-driver asked me whether any one had 
ever run away with me on an express engine. But these are 
trifles and one gets so used to that sort of thing from men 
that no really nice girl minds it a bit. And the engine-driver 
was quite nice, except for the grease. So no more to-night 
from 

Your ever affectionate daughter, 

ELIZABETH. 



78 L. IN HER GRIN : 

II. 

Tuesday. 

DEAREST MAMMA, 

So I have been to see the great philosopher Kant, 
and I am sure I have done him a lot of good, though I am 
not so sure that he has me. I told Agnes to put out my 
blue dress, which you know is not very stunning, for fear lest 
he should be frightened, and drove to his house a little before 
three. His manservant opened the door and bowed deep 
when I handed him the Minister's letter all stuck over with big 
seals, and I was ushered into the sitting-room, or rather study, 
all covered with books and papers, but otherwise very neat. 
The professor had, it seems, been dozing in his arm-chair (he 
says he gets up at five every morning, can you imagine ?), but 
got up and said he was honoured by my visit. Such a funny 
little hunchback he is, about five foot nothing, with such a 
big head and big bright blue eyes, and a blue coat and brass 
buttons. I told him I was Elizabeth. " Ach ja, Elisabeth I " 
he said, and his eyes filled with tears. Do you suppose, 
Mamma, that he once loved a girl called Elizabeth and that 
that is why he isn't married yet, he must be quite old ? Then 
I told him why I had come at your request, to be steadied 
by him because he was the greatest teacher of morals there 
was, and how innocent I was and how anxious to know all 
about his philosophy. 

And he looked at me quite seriously and began telling, Oh, 
such a lot ! I don't think I have got it quite clear, but I 
remember his beginning by telling me that such a form as 
mine did not come from his experience, though he was glad 
it came in it, and that it began in the experience of the 
happiest day of his life, and that he desired to cultivate the 
pure intuition (reine Anschauung) of me constantly, which 
he said was quite possible, because Space and Time were 
not real but transcendentally ideal. Then he went on to 
say a great deal about pure conceptions and categories. It 
made me feel quite queer and faint, but I think I've remem- 
bered most of the words. What he said about the Scheming 
of the Categories and their transatlantic deduction I did 
not quite follow, and the anti-monies I thought too stupid 
(don't you, Mamma, nowadays ?), but what he said about the 
necessity of our having a Sympathetic Unity of Perception 
was quite charming. " But," I said, "how about the Cate- 
gorical Imperative?" You remember you told me to ask 
about that particularly. Well, that stopped him, and I 
thought he was going to have a fit like poor Jean at Croixmare. 



"ELIZABETH'S" VISITS TO PHILOSOPHEBS. 79 

'" Ach ja" he stammered at last, "I had forgotten that and 
the pure respect I owe it." So I asked him what it was. 
"It demands," he said solemnly, "that thou shalt (don't you 
think, Mamma, that sounds quite too familiar?) not 

At this point his old servant came in, his name is Lampe, 
and he carried his umbrella, and asked ob denn der Herr Pro- 
fessor heute nicht ausgehen wollen. It appears that the pro- 
fessor always goes out for an hour's walk at three every 
afternoon, so punctually that all the astronomers always 
observe his appearance and fix the time by him. And by 
this time it was ten past three by my watch. 

"No," said the little man quite angrily, "Lampe, scher' er 
sich zum Teufel, und lass er uns ungestort." Poor old Lampe 
withdrew quite crestfallen. So, to resume the subject, I 
asked him again what the Categorical Imperative demanded. 
" Thou shalt do thy Duty with no regard to inclination." 
" But what is my duty? " " To do as the Moral Law com- 
mands." " But what does the Moral Law command ? " " The 
pure fulfilment of Duty." "But is not that what you said 
before and I could not make out ? Can't you tell me more 
clearly ? " He looked at me so earnestly that I nearly laughed, 
and then he grasped my hand and said, " Elizabeth, I will tell 
thee. Thy duty . . . thy duty is ... to marry me ! " 

I know it was awfully rude, but really could not help it I 
burst out laughing to his face. He seemed terribly hurt, so 
I said hastily: "But really, my dear good Professor, it is 
quite impossible, don't you see that you are quite 160 years older 
than me ? " " Elizabeth," said he, " that makes nothing (das 
macht Nichts) ; have I not proved to thee and all the world that 
Time, though phenomenally real, is transcendentally ideal? 
Now, I love not only thy phenomenal appearance, I grant 
thee, but thy Noumenal Reality as a Thing-in-itself." This 
was too much. "Professor," said I, and I think I blushed, 
Mamma it feels quite nice, "I am not accustomed to be 
spoken to like this ; moreover, I think you ought to know 
that I am betrothed to the Marquis of Valmond, and so could 
not marry you even if you were a man who respected the 
decencies of polite language." And so I rushed out of the 
room and left him. But now that I come to think it over, I 
can't help feeling a little sorry for him. Do you think, Mamma, 
he really meant all he said ? Anyhow I think I had better try 
some of the others first before I ask him again. So to-morrow 
we go back to Berlin to see Hegel, whom it will be quite safe 
to visit, because he is a married man and very respectable. 

Your affectionate daughter, 

ELIZABETH. 



80 L. IN HER GRIN : 

III. 

BERLIN, Thursday. 

DEAREST MAMMA, 

I have just come back from my visit to Hegel, who 
is a pigdog, quite the worst I have met even in Germany. 
You shall hear. I had put on that dream of a dress you 
gave me last month, because I had heard this professor was 
quite fashionable, but when I was shown into the sitting- 
room by a thin care-worn little woman who had answered 
the door (she turned out to be his wife !) how do you suppose 
I found him dressed ? In a dirty old flowered dressing-gown 
with a skull cap and a long pipe. At first he hardly seemed 
to notice me. I had to find my own seat (as at Kant's). I 
told him who I was, but he only said, " Yes, yes," and then 
shouted out, " Barbara ! " The little woman came in trem- 
bling. ' ' Barbara, pull off my boots and bring me my slippers. " 
She had to kneel down and do it. While she was away, I 
asked why he treated her so barbarously. " She is my wife, 
you know," he said, " and the only woman who ever pretended 
to be logical. But I am a great logical reformer, and so I 
have to keep her in order, and sometimes to discipline her 
pretty severely." Still I don't think it at all nice, do you? 
Then he told her to get some coffee, and when she had 
brought it (he never offered me any, the pig !), told her she 
might go, which she submissively did. Then he asked what 
I wanted. I said I thought he could tell me the truth. " The 
Absolute Truth, I suppose you mean, for I keep no other." 
" Yes," said I, " that will do very nicely." 

And then he told me. Oh, Mamma, it was terrible, and 
my head still aches merely to think of it. Of course I 
didn't understand a word : it was hard enough to look 
intelligent and appreciative in the right places. I can only 
remember that it began with the Absolute Nothing and 
ended with the most Absolute Non-Sense, and that it was 
all quite proper and very dull. 

When he had done I asked him whether he did that sort 
of thing often. " Every day," he said " I lecture thus or nearly 
as well." " But don't you find it rather tiring? " " A little 
perhaps, because they none of them understand me. But 
the less they understand the more they admire, and I like 
that." " Then you should come over to England and go 
to Oxford," said I. He looked at me long with a cunning 
twinkle in his eye and then he said deliberately: "You are 
right, Elizabeth. I am tired of reforming Barbara, and 
of respectability and the Prussian State. You shall come 



"ELIZABETH'S" VISITS TO PHILOSOPHERS. 81 

with me and we'll start over again in Oxford. Thou alone, 
Elizabeth, art worthy of a logical reformer's true love." 

I was so astonished that I allowed him to take my hand. 
" But," I said at length, " we should have to go by Hamburg 
and at Hamburg they have the cholera, while we are every 
day expecting the plague in England." " Cholera ! plague ! " 
he shrieked ; "I live in terror of such things ! I am feeling 
quite bad already ! " And he turned quite pale. " Barbara ! 
bring me a pill ! " At this point I thought it best to with- 
draw, as he did not seem at all fit for any further rational 
conversation. But I do think him a pig, and poor little 
Kant was ever so much nicer. Now good-night. 

Your affectionate daughter, 

ELIZABETH. 

PS. Friday morning. Isn't it shocking, Mamma, I have 
just read in the paper the sudden death last night from cholera 
of the famous Prof. Dr. Hegel? Do you suppose it was 
funk, or do you think that Barbara put something into his 
coffee ? I can't help thinking it must have been that, for I 
am sure she hated him, and no wonder. But how lucky for 
me he did not offer me any ! 

IV. 

ATHENS. 

DEAREST MAMMA, 

I've been slumming ! You said you would never 
let me try it, and now you have sent me there yourself. But 
of course when I went to see Socrates I had no idea they 
were so poor and had all to live in so small a hut. There 
are six of them, he and Xanthippe and four children, but 
desperately poor. Xanthippe, who is quite nice really, but 
terribly worried, because she says her husband won't work 
and she can't keep the whole family on nothing, was alone 
at home (the children were playing in the street) when I 
came in, and I felt very sorry for her and gave her all the 
money I had about me. So she cried and told me all about 
her troubles, how Socrates is the worst possible husband and 
father, and how shamefully he neglects them. And besides 
he drinks, not that he ever gets drunk, for he can stand any 
amount. 

After a while Socrates came in and said he was pleased to 
see me. It was nice, because, though he was quite accustomed 
to young men coming to seek him out, Athenian girls were 
kept shut up so. Then he began by asking me whether I 
had ever been in love, and when I blushed and said I did 

6 



82 L. IN HER GRIN : 

not know, he said how charming I was and with what great 
pleasure he would help me deliver myself of the truth on 
this subject. And so he went on asking me questions about 
what I thought of the different kinds of love, all very queer, 
and things I didn't half understand. You know how innocent 
I am, but I am sure that most of what he said was improper. 
At last I could stand it no longer : so I told him outright I 
did not wonder that he got himself suspected as a corrupter 
of youth and I would hear no more. 

So I walked off before he could stop me ; but I think him 
a horrid man and so ugly too. Indeed, Mamma, I think the 
married philosophers are worse than the others, and so I had 
better go back to the unmarried ones, don't you think ? 

Good-bye, dear Mamma, with love from 

Your affectionate 

ELIZABETH. 

V. 

CORINTH. 

DEAREST MAMMA, 

Such a splendid place ! And such a strange man ! 
You might have told me what Mr. Diogenes was like, because 
when I arrived to-day and was shown into (do you say " into," 
Mamma ? because it wasn't) his tub and found him lying in 
a dirty wooden thing, I laughed out loud and it would have 
been rude if he hadn't been asleep. He just rolled out all 
dirty and shaggy and gaped (such teeth, Mamma !) and said 
<( Ah ! stand out (yawn) my sun ". So absurd ! Because 
it was as dull as could be, and I said straight out : " There 
isn't any ". He was quite amazed ; and he gaped at me (such 
a gaby he is, Mamma !) and began to feel about in his tub 
and pulled out a plucked fowl. I had been thinking there 
was a very queer smell, but was afraid it might seem rude to 
remark on it. He held it out by the neck, horrid creature, 
and said: "Plato's man, the ' featherless biped ' ! " and laughed 
so loud. He must be a little mad, don't you think, Mamma ? 
So I just said: "I don't understand you at all". And he 
stammered and said : " Oh, ah, er I'm expected to say these 
things, you know. My reputation, you know." So silly, be- 
cause no one you would like me to know has such things. 
Then he actually squatted down in his horrible tub and 
turned his back on me. I'm sure no Englishman would do 
that; and he growled out, "I've conquered pleasure," and I was 
so disgusted, Mamma, because none of the best people would 
ever think of doing that, that I said sharply : "What a silly 



VISITS TO PHILOSOPHERS. 83 

thing to do ". He shifted a little and I saw he was looking 
at me out of the corners of his eyes. " Socrates was a fool," 
he growled. "He has got a house," said I. "He visited 
Diotima " (do you spell it like that, Mamma? of course you 
know her). And then the horrible people began to laugh. 
"And a greater than Diotima is here," he said, and he 
squirmed round in his tub and looked up at me with such 
an oily smile. And the people giggled so that I was quite 
uncomfortable, and said, " It's very good of you," and I felt so 
stupid. He has big muscles in his arms and all over, only I 
do hate men with beards. 

I tried to remember what you told me, Mamma, so I asked 
him what he had learnt from his studies, and he answered in 
jerks at once as if he was wound up : " To be able to endure 
my own company ". And the silly people clapped. It seems 
that is what he always says, Mamma ; so I asked him if it 
was hard, and he said, "Oh ah er "just like before, and he 
looked so uncomfortable that I said I expected it was, just to 
help him out. And I was wondering what I ought to say 
next, because I'm not used to talking to a man in his tub, 
Mamma, when he cried out, " Give me madness rather 
than pleasure," in the same jerks, and they said a sort of 
" Hear, hear ! " So I said I was afraid I couldn't give him 
either, and I asked him if he could teach me anything else. 
That puzzled him again, and he squirmed about in his tub 
and said at last, " All that any man could teach you ". And I 
told him I had nothing to learn from men ; I wanted to learn 
from a philosopher. He cried out, " Is not the philosopher 
a man? " and I said I had no reason to think so. Then he 
actually stood up and took my hand in his dirty fingers and 
said, " Share my wisdom and my tub ! " I was so astonished, 
Mamma, that I could only giggle and say you didn't approve 
of mixed bathing. And then his beard got quite bristly and 
he screamed, " Elizabeth, the philosopher does not wash " ; 
and I said I had guessed that and managed to get away. 
But if that is the way the philosophers propose in Corinth, 
Mamma, I think they've neglected their opportunities for 
education. Corinth itself is a lovely place, something like 
Paris, but I didn't think the girls nearly as pretty as I had 
been told. And they didn't dress as much as Parisiennes. I 
do think men exaggerate frightfully about some sorts of girls. 
But I saw some nice-looking men in the town only 
mademoiselle wouldn't let me stop. Good-bye, dearest 
Mamma. 

Your affectionate daughter, 

ELIZABETH. 



84 L. IN HEE GRIN : 

VI. 



WEIMAR. 



DEAREST MAMMA, 

Whom do you suppose I have visited to-day ? 
You'll never guess, so I may as well tell you. I've called 
on Frau Schopenhauer, the novelist (not that I can read 
German novels, I think French are ever so much nicer and 
so instructive !), and got myself introduced to her son Arthur, 
the great pessimist. He was looking very grumpy, but he 
soon cheered up when I talked to him. He thinks life is 
not worth living, and we ought all to starve ourselves or at 
least desire nothing and be as humble and meek as the 
Christian Saints. Isn't he too funny? Not that he is at 
all like that himself really, but they say he has a terrible 
temper and is a perfectly awful woman hater. But he was 
very amusing all the same, and I fancy he rather liked 
me, for he said he would call at the hotel to-morrow after- 
noon. 

Later. I hardly feel equal, dearest Mamma, to telling you 
all that has happened since I began this letter. For I am 
really feeling quite upset and as you see my hand is still 
trembling. But I am quite sure that that Schopenhauer is 
either a brute or a madman and I can't think what would 
have happened if I had not managed to ring the bell. He 
was perfectly furious and I nearly fainted after he was gone, 
though you know, dearest Mamma, that I was never brought 
up to do anything of the sort. Anyhow you may be sure of 
one thing and that is that I will never go on a visit to another 
philosopher. The idea of sending innocent girls to them 
to become less frivolous ! Why they are quite as bad as 
ordinary people, if not worse ! Only their manners are 
ever so much worse, and they haven't the slightest ap- 
preciation of dress. On thinking it over, I know this will 
be a great disappointment to you, so we will compromise 
on this I won't visit any more philosophers on my own 
to whom I have not been regularly introduced by you (you 
don't know any I am pretty sure !). Besides Valmond 
will be getting into mischief if I stay away from him 
much longer, and Lady Cecilia wrote me that odious. 
Mrs. Smith was after him again. So I shall have to 
come back and box the ears of one or both of them again ! 
So you may expect soon to be kissed by your affectionate, 
daughter, 

ELIZABETH. 



"ELIZABETH'S" VISITS TO PHILOSOPHERS. 85 

VII. 

THE MITRE, OXFORD. 

DEAREST MAMMA, 

You will hardly believe me after my last letter when 
I say I have been to visit another philosopher after all ! And 
a very annoying and disappointing visit it was too, though 
quite different from any of the others. But the fact was 
that I felt that I had been writing you such perfectly sweet 
letters, and got so much good ' copy ' (as those horrid press- 
men call it), that I really must publish them somewhere. 
You know my other letters about my visits to fashionable 
people have been selling by thousands and are bringing me 
in heaps of money. And though we are rich you know that 
money is a thing one can never have too much of. And even 
though of course not so many people are interested in those 
silly old philosophers as in smart people I thought my name 
would enable me to turn an honest penny. So I wrote a 
little note to the dear old Archbishop of Canterbury and 
asked him what was the leading philosophic paper and when 
he told me it was MIND ! I asked his son (whom I met at 
the Eights) where the Editor lived. It appeared that he 
lived at Corpus, a dear little out-of-the-way college you have 
probably never been to, and that he lived over the gateway. 
I thought the porter looked just a little surprised when I 
walked straight up and into the rooms. Fortunately he was 
in. Although I had been told he was called the Cave-Bear, he 
seemed quite pleased to see me, though a little embarrassed at 
first, until I told him I was Elizabeth. Then he smiled and 
said it had been his good fortune to owe much to Elizabeths. 
For instance the ornamental ceiling in his room had been put 
in in honour of Elizabeth. " What," I cried, " of that horrid 
old bore with the German Garden?" (He has beautiful 
rooms, but so dusty, which he says is the fault of his scout. 
But why doesn't he get dear Baden Powell's Aids to Scouting 
and make him read that ?) Well, it seems that it wasn't that 
Elizabeth at all, but the stupid old queen I used to have to read 
about at school in the history books, who used to make all the 
young men at court flirt with her, which I thought most unfair. 

Just then there was a knock and a man in a flaming tie 
burst in and when he saw me he gasped and said, " Oh 
ah I beg your pardon," and slammed the door, and the 
Editor ran after him and called, " Mr. Smith," and I heard a 
voice choking with laughter say, "No I I it's all right," 
and soon afterwards they seemed so merry in the quad, I 
wanted to look out. 



86 L. IN HER GRIN : 

However he was very pleasant about my letters and said 
he would be delighted to publish them in MIND ! Then he 
made me some tea (which was good) and some puns (which 
were bad) and altogether was so nice that I thought he was 
going to be nicer still. In fact, I think he is the only one of 
all these philosophers whom I have visited who seemed to 
be what could possibly be called a gentleman. 

But, and here comes the matter which made my visit such 
a disappointment, it is a humiliating confession to make, 
that he never proposed to me or said anything even remotely 
tending in that direction ! It was not that I did not lead 
up to it, indeed I almost told him that that was what all nice 
men were expected to do. But I was afraid he might think 
it rude. So I only asked him what he thought of Loves 
Dynamics, and he replied he was no mathematician, but that 
if I was, I should probably need also to study the Hydrostatics 
of Grief, and finally I inquired what modern philosophers 
thought about the import of the proposal. " You mean, I 
suppose, of the proposition," he replied, and as I was weak 
enough to agree, I had as a punishment to listen to a little 
lecture on what he assured me was moderation logic. If that 
is logic in moderation, excess in it must be the most detest- 
able thing in the world ! And all the time I was wondering 
why he behaved so differently from the rest and didn't propose ! 
Wasn't he stupid ? Can you understand it, dearest Mamma ? 
I can't l and I wish you would explain it to me ! Else I shall 
be beginning to think there is something in that silly old 
philosophy after all. At least I will if I ever meet another 
philosopher like that. But it's very puzzling and makes me 
tired. So good-bye, dearest Mamma, for to-day. 

Your affectionate 

ELIZABETH. 

PS. You needn't be alarmed about my becoming philo- 
sophic. When I am Marchioness of Valmond I shall never 
meet another philosopher ! 

1 [1 can. ED., MIND !] 



XIX. A COMMENTARY ON THE SNARK. 

BY SNARKOPHILUS SNOBBS. 

IT is a recognised maxim of literary ethics that none but 
the dead can deserve a commentary, seeing that they can no 
longer either explain themselves or perturb the explanations of 
those who devote themselves to the congenial, and frequently 
not unprofitable, task of making plain what was previously 
obscure, and profound what was previously plain. Hence it 
is easily understood that the demise of the late lamented 
Lewis Carroll has opened a superb field to the labours of the 
critical commentator, and that the classical beauties of the 
two Alices are not likely long to remain unprovided with those 
aids to comprehension which the cultivated reader so greatly 
needs. 

The purpose of the present article, however, is a more am- 
bitious one. Most of Lewis Carroll's non-mathematical 
writings are such that even the dullest of grown-ups can 
detect, more or less vaguely, their import ; but the Hunting 
of the Snark may be said to have hitherto baffled the adult 
understanding. It is to lovers of Lewis Carroll what Bordello 
is to lovers of Kobert Browning, or The Shaving of Shagpat to 
Meredithians. In other words, it has frequently been con- 
sidered magnificent but not sense. The author himself 
anticipated the possibility of such criticism and defends 
himself against it in his preface, by appealing to the ' strong 
moral purpose ' of his poem, to the arithmetical principles it 
inculcates, to 'its noble teachings in Natural History'. But 
prefatory explanations are rig;htly disregarded by the public, 
and it must be admitted that in Lewis Carroll's case they do 
but little to elucidate the Mystery of the Snark, which, it has 
been calculated, 1 has been responsible for 49J per cent, of the 
cases of insanity and nervous breakdown which have occurred 
during the last ten years. 

It is clear then that a COMMENTARY ON THE HUNTING OF 
THE SNARK is the greatest desideratum of English Literature 

1 See the Colney Hatch Contributions to Sociology for 1899, p. 983. 



88 SNAEKOPHILUS SNOBBS : 

at present ; and this the author of the present essay flatters 
himself that he has provided. Not that he would wish the 
commentary itself to be regarded as exhaustive or as anything 
more than a vindemiatio prima of so fruitful a subject : but he 
would distinctly advance the claim to have discovered the 
key to the real meaning and philosophical significance of this 
most remarkable product of human imagination. 

What then is the meaning of the Snark ? Or that we 
may not appear to beg the question let us first ask how 
do we know that the Snark has a meaning ? The answer is 
simple ; Lewis Carroll assures us that it not only has a mean- 
ing but even a moral purpose. Hence we may proceed with 
his assurance and our own. 

I will not weary you with an autobiographical narrative of 
the way in which I discovered the solution of the Snark's 
mystery ; suffice it to say that insight came to me suddenly, 
as unto Buddha under the Bo-tree, as I was sitting under an 
Arrowroot in a western prairie. The theory of the Snark 
which I then excogitated has stood the test of time, and of a 
voyage across the Atlantic, in the course of which I was more 
than tempted to throw overboard all my most cherished con- 
victions, and I have little doubt that when you have heard 
my evidence you will share my belief. 

I shall begin by stating the general argument of the Snark 
and proceed to support it by detailed comment. In the 
briefest possible manner, then, I assert that the Snark is 
the Absolute, dear to pholisophers, and that the hunting of 
the Snark is the pursuit of the Absolute. Even as thus 
barely stated the theory all but carries instantaneous convic- 
tion ; it is infinitely more probable than that the Snark should 
be an electioneering device or a treatise on " society " or a 
poetical narrative of the discovery of America, to instance 
a few of the fatuous suggestions with which I have been 
deluged since I began to inquire into the subject. But 
further considerations will easily raise the antecedent prob- 
ability that the Snark is the Absolute to certainty. The 
Absolute, as I venture to remark for the benefit of any un- 
pholisophical enough still to enjoy that ignorance thereof 
which is bliss, is a fiction which is supposed to do for 
pholisophers everything they can't do for themselves. It 
performs the same functions in philosophy as infinity in 
mathematics ; when in doubt you send for the Absolute ; if 
something is impossible for us, it is therefore possible for the 
Absolute ; what is nonsense to us is therefore sense to the 
Absolute and vice versa ; what we do not know, the Absolute 
knows ; in short it is the apotheosis of topsyturvydom. . Now 



A COMMENTARY ON THE SNARK. 89 

Lewis Carroll as a man of sense did not believe in the Absolute, 
but he recognised that it could best be dealt with in parables. 

The Hunting of the Snark, therefore, is intended to describe 
Humanity in search of the Absolute, and to exhibit the vanity 
of the pursuit. For no one attains to the Absolute but the 
Baker, the miserable madman who has left his intelligence 
behind before embarking. And when he does find the Snark, 
it turns out to be a Boojurn, and he ' softly and silently 
vanished away '. That is, the Absolute can be attained only 
by the loss of personality, which is merged in the Boojum. 
The Boojum is the Absolute, as the One which absorbs the 
Many, and danger of this is the 'moral purpose ' whereof Lewis 
Carroll speaks so solemnly in his preface. Evidently we are 
expected to learn the lesson that the Snark will always-tuTU out 
a Boojum, and the dramatic variety of the incidents only serves 
to lead up to this most thrilling and irreparable catastrophe. 

But I proceed to establish this interpretation in detail. 
(1) We note that the poem has 8 fits. These clearly re- 
present the Time-process in which the Absolute is supposed 
to be revealed, and at the same time hint that Life as a whole 
is a Survival of the Fit. But why 8 and not 7 or 9 ? Evi- 
dently because by revolving 8 through an angle of 90 it 
becomes the symbol for Infinity, which is often regarded as 
an equivalent of the Absolute. (2) The vessel clearly is 
Humanity and in the crew are represented various human 
activities by which it is supposed we may aspire to the 
Absolute. We may dwell a little on the significance of the 
various members of the crew. They are ten in number and 
severally described as a Bellman, a Butcher, a Banker, a 
Beaver, a Broker, a Barrister, a Bonnetmaker, a Billiard- 
marker, a Boots and a Baker. It is obvious that all these 
names begin with a 'B,' and somewhat remarkable that 
even the Snark turns out a Boojum. This surely indicates 
that we are here dealing with the most ultimate of all 
questions, viz., 'to be or not to be,' and that it is answered 
in the universal affirmative B at any cost ! 

Next let us inquire what these personages represent. In 
the leading figure, that of the Bellman, we easily recognise 
Christianity, the bell being the characteristically Christian 
implement, and the hegemony of humanity being equally 
obvious. Emboldened by this success, it is easy to make out 
that the Butcher is Mohammedanism, and the Banker Judaism, 
while the Beaver represents the aspirations of the animals 
towards TO delov. 1 The anonymous Baker is, of course, the 

1 Cp. Aristotle, Eth. Nich., vii., 13, 6. 



90 SNAKKOPHILUS SNOBBS : 

hero of the story, and the "forty-two boxes all carefully 
packed with his name painted clearly on each " which he 
" left behind on the beach " typify the contents of his mind, 
which he lost before starting on his quest. 

The Barrister is clearly the type of the logician and brought 
' to arrange their disputes '. He too has dreams about the 
Absolute and wearies himself by proving in vain that the 
"Beaver's lacemaking was wrong"; as any one who has 
studied modern logic can testify, it does dream about the 
Absolute and is always ' proving in vain '. 

The Broker brought ' to value their goods ' (ayaOa) is evi- 
dently moral philosophy. The "Billiard-marker whose skill 
was immense " is certainly Art, which would grow too en- 
grossing ( = " might perhaps have won more than his share ") 
but for the pecuniary considerations represented by the Banker 
(Judaism) who " had the whole of their cash in his care ". 

In the Boots we can hardly hesitate to recognise Literature, 
which serves to put literary polish upon the outer integu- 
ments of the other intellectual pursuits. 

The Bonnetmaker finally is manifestly the Fashion, without 
which it would have been madness to embark upon so vast 
an undertaking. 

Having thus satisfactorily accounted for the dramatis 
persona I proceed to comment on the action. 

F. 1, st. 1. 

" Just the place for a Snark the Bellman cried, 

As he landed his crew with care. 

Supporting each man on the top of the tide 

By a finger entwined in his hair." 

The meaning evidently is that Christianity "touches the 
highest part of man and supports us from above ". 

F. 1, st. 12. 

" He would joke with hyenas." 

It is well known that few animals have a keener sense of 
humour than hyenas and that no animal can raise a heartier 
laugh than the right sort of hyena. 

"And he once went a walk paw-in-paw with a bear." 

The learned Prof. Grubwitz has discovered a characteristic- 
ally Teutonic difficulty here. In his monumental commen- 
tary on the Shaving of Shagpat, he points out that as human 
the Baker had no paws and could not possibly therefore 
have offered a paw to a bear. Hence he infers that the text 
is corrupt. The " w " of the second " paw " is evidently, he 
thinks, due to the dittograph initial letter of the succeeding 



A COMMENTARY ON THE SXARK. 91 

"with". The original "papa" having thus been corrupted 
into a " papaw " (a tropical tree not addicted to locomotion), 
an ingenious scribe inserted "w-in" giving a specious but 
mistaken meaning. The original reading was "papa with a 
bear," and indicates that a forebear or ancestor was intended. 
So far Grubwitz, who if he had been more familiar with 
English slang would doubtless have dealt with the text in a 
more forbearing and less overbearing manner. Anyhow the 
difficulty is gratuitous, for it must be admitted that the whole 
stanza is calculated to give any one paws. 

"Just to keep up its spirits he said." 

It was probably depressed because it could only make a bare 
living. 

In the second Fit the first point of importance would seem 
to be the Bellman's map. This is manifestly intended for a 
description of the Summum Bonum or Absolute Good, which 
represents one of the favourite methods of attaining the 
Absolute. Moreover, as Aristotle shows, a knowledge of the 
Summum Bonum is of great value to humanity in crossing the 
ocean of life, although its reA.o? is ov yvayo-is a\\a Trpafys. 

F. 2, st. 2. 

"What's the good of Mercators, North Poles and Equators, 

Tropics, Zones and Meridian Lines? " 

These terms evidently ridicule the attempt made in various 
ways to fill in the conception of the Summum Bonum, but I 
confess I cannot identify the chief philosophic notions in 
their geographical disguises. 

F. 2, st. 6. 

" When he cried ' Steer to starboard, but keep her head 

larboard ! ' 
What on earth was the helmsman to do ? " 

The question in the first place is quite irrelevant, as the 
helmsman was not on earth but at sea and likely to remain 
there. Still, bearing in mind the effect of this remarkable 
nautical manoeuvre, we may perhaps make bold to answer : 
" He should have turned tail ! " For the effect upon the ship 
would be to make it toss and, as the Bellman obviously pre- 
ferred the head, the helmsman should have cried " Tails ! " 

F. 2, st. 9. 

"Yet at first the crew were not pleased with the view, 
Which consisted of chasms and crags." 

When Humanity first really catches a glimpse of the local 
habitation of the Absolute in the writings of the pholisophers, 



92 SNAEKOPHILUS SNOBBS I 

it is disappointed and appalled by its "chasms and crags," 
i.e., the difficulties and obscurities of these authors' account. 

F. 2, st. 10. 

' ' The Bellman perceived that their spirits were low, 

And repeated in musical tone 

Some jokes he had kept for a season of woe, 

But the crew would do nothing but groan." 

Tutors have been known to adopt similar methods with a 
similar effect. 

F. 2, st. 15. We now come to what is perhaps the most 
crucial point in our commentary, namely, "the five unmis- 
takable marks, by which you may know, wheresoever you go, 
the warranted Genuine Snarks. Let us take them in order. 
The first is its taste, which is meagre and hollow but crisp ; 
like a coat that is rather too tight in the waist with a flavour 
of Will-o'-the-Wisp." 

1. The taste of the Snark is the taste for the Absolute, 
which is not emotionally satisfactory, ' meagre and hollow, 
but crisp ' and hence attractive to the Baker, while the elusive- 
ness of the Absolute sufficiently explains the ' flavour of Will- 
o'-the-wisp'. Its affinity for ' a coat that is rather too tight in 
the waist ' applies only to its ' meagre and hollow ' character ; 
for unless the coat were hollow you could not get into it, 
while it would, of course, be meagre or "scanty if if were ' too 
tight in the waist '. 

2. " Its habit of getting up late you'll agree 
That it carries too far when I say, 
That it frequently breakfasts at five o'clock tea - 
And dines on the following day." 

In this the poet shows, in four lines, what many pholi- 
'sophers have vainly essayed to prove in as many volumes, 
namely that the Absolute is not, and cannot be, in Time. 

3. " The third is its slowness in taking a jest. 
Should you happen to venture on one, 
It will sigh like a thing that is deeply distressed ; 
And it always looks grave at a pun." 

This third characteristic of the Absolute is also found in 
many of its admirers, I am sorry to say. It is best passed 
over in silence, as our author says elsewhere, without " a 
shriek or a scream, scarcely even a howl or a groan ". 

4. " The fourth is its fondness for bathing-machines 
Which it constantly carries about, 
And believes that they add to the beauty of scenes, 
A sentiment open to doubt." 



A COMMENTAKY ON THE SNABK. 93 

The ' philosophic desperado ' in pursuit of Nirvana achieves 
his fell design by a purificatory plunge into the ocean of 
Absolute Being. This, however, is not an aesthetic spectacle 
which ' adds to the beauty of scenes,' and hence the Snark 
obligingly carries bathing-machines about in order that in Mr. 
Gladstone's phrase " essential decency may be preserved ". 

5. " The fifth is ambition." The Snark's ambition is to 
become a Boojurn, of course. It always succeeds with those 
who are prepared to meet it half-way. You will doubtless 
have noticed that the five unmistakable criteria of Snarkhood 
we have just considered are all of a spiritual character and 
throw no light upon its material appearance. The reason 
no doubt is that our author was aware of the Protean 
character of the Absolute's outward appearance, and with 
true scientific caution did not pretend to give an exhaustive 
description of the various species of Snark. What, however, 
he does know he is not loth to tell, and so he bids us dis- 
tinguish " those that have feathers and bite from those that 
have whiskers and scratch ". In this it is needless to seek 
for a causal connexion between the possession of feathers 
and mordant habits. The fact is simply mentioned to 
distinguish these snarks from birds which have feathers 
but since the extinction of the Archaopteryx and Hesperornis 
have long ceased to wear genuine teeth and to bite, and 
angels which have feathers but don't bite, not because they 
are physically, but because they are morally, incapable of 
so doing. Similarly it would be fanciful to connect the 
scratching, which is attributed to the second kind of Snark, 
with the possession of whiskers even in an inchoate con- 
dition. But v. infra for the doubt about the reading. 

Let us consider therefore first the information about the 
outward characteristics of these snarks. Some have feathers, 
some have whiskers. There is no difficulty about the former. 
We simply compare the well-known Poem of Emerson on 
Brahma ; in which the latter points out to those who object 
to being parts of the Absolute, that "when me they fly I 
am the wings ". If wings, then probably feathers ; for the 
featheiiess wings of insects are utterly unworthy of any kind 
of Snark. 

The mention of snarks with whiskers on the other hand 
constitutes a difficulty. For we cannot attribute anything 
so anthropomorphic to the Absolute. There is, however, 
evidence of a various reading. The Bodleian MS. Bf 48971, 
which is supposed to be in the author's own handwriting, 
reads whiskey instead of whiskers. The change is a slight one, 
but significant. For we may then compare Spinoza's well- 



94 SNAEKOPHILUS SNOBBS : 

known views about the Absolute, which caused him to be 
euphemistically described as ' a God-intoxicated man '. It 
should also be remembered that various narcotics such as 
bhang, opium, hashish, arrack, etc., have been used to pro- 
duce the mystic union of the devotee or debauchee with the 
Absolute, and many hold that whiskey is as good as any of 
them. 

It remains to account for the habit of the Snark in biting 
and scratching. The learned Grubwitz, to whom allusion 
has already been made, thinks that these terms are intended 
to indicate respectively the male and female forms of the 
Snark (who, in his opinion, represents the university student 
who is qapable of becoming a Boojum a professor causing 
all who meet him "softly and silently to vanish away"). 
The demonstrable absurdity of his general theory of the 
Snark encourages me to reject also Grubwitz' interpretation 
in detail, in spite of my respect for his learning. I should 
prefer, therefore, to explain the biting and scratching more 
simply as due to the bad temper naturally engendered in so 
inordinately hunted an animal. 

The Third Fit opens, as the reader will doubtless remember, 
with the attempts made to restore the fainting Baker. 

41 They roused him with muffins, they roused him with ice, 
They roused him with mustard and cress, 
They roused him with jam and judicious advice, 
They set him conundrums to guess " 

Such as, probably, Riddles of the Sphinx. The other means 
seem to have been injudicious. 

Skipping, with the Bellman, the Baker's father and mother, 
we come to his "dear uncle," who, lying on his death-bed, 
was able to give the important information which has proved 
so epoch-making in the history of Snarkology. 

And first let us ask who was the "dear uncle"? In 
answering this question w T e not only gratify oar scientific 
curiosity but also discover the name of the Baker, our " hero 
unnamed," as he is subsequently (F. 8, st. 4) called. Now 
it must be admitted that we are not told the uncle's name 
either, but I think that from the account given there can be 
little doubt but that it ought to have been Hegel. Now a 
distinguished Oxford pholisopher has proved that what may 
be and ought to be, that .'. is; and so the inference is 
practically certain. 

F. 3, st. 7. 

" He remarked to me then, said that mildest of men, 
If your Snark be a Snark, that is right ; 



A COMMENTARY ON THE SNARK. 95 

Fetch it home by all means you may serve 
It with greens " T. H. Green's to wit 
" And it's handy for striking a light." 

It is well known that Hegel thought that the wrong kind of 
Absolute (that of the other professors) was ' like the night in 
which all cows are black'. It follows that the right kind 
his own would conversely serve as an illummant. 

F. 3, st. 8. 

" You may seek it with thimbles and seek it with care, 

You may hunt it with forks and hope, 

You may threaten its life with a railway share, 

Y^ou may charm it with smiles and soap." 

" You may seek it with thimbles " this passage is repeated 
in F. 4, st. 8, by the Bellman, whose subsequent remark in st. 
10, " To rig yourselves out for the fight," explains its mean- 
ing. Evidently Lewis Carroll here meant subtly to suggest 
that the pursuit of the Absolute was a form of intellectual 
thimble-rigging. 

" You may hunt it with forks and hope." Just as only 
the brave can deserve the fair, so only the forktunate can 
hope to attain the Absolute. There is no justification for 
depicting Care and Hope as allegorical females joining in 
the hunt, as the illustrator has done. Altogether the serious 
student cannot be too emphatically warned against -this 
plausible impostor's pictures ; they have neither historic 
authority nor philosophic profundity. He attributes, e.g., a 
Semitic physiognomy to the Broker instead of to the Banker ; 
he persistently represents the Baker as clean-shaven and 
bald, in spite of the statement (in F. 4, st. 11) that " The 
Baker with care combed his whiskers and hair," and his 
picture of the Snark exhibits neither feathers nor whiskers ! 
"You may threaten its life with a railway share." This 
alludes to the deleterious effect of modern enlightenment and 
modern improvements on the vitality of the Absolute. " You 
may charm it with smiles and soap." I.e. adulation and 
ascetic practices, soap being the substance most abhorrent 
to Fakirs and Indian sages generally, and therefore suggest- 
ing the highest degree of asceticism. 

But after all, the momentous revelation of the Baker's 
uncle is neither his account of the methods of hunting the 
Snark they are commonplace enough and he evidently did 
not choose to divulge his own patent of the Dialectical Method 
nor yet his account of the use to which the Absolute may 
be put it is trivial enough in all conscience but rather the 
possibility nay, as in the light of subsequent events we must 



96 SNARKOPHILUS SNOBBS : 

call it, the certainty that the Snark is a Boojum. No wonder 
that even the dauntless Baker could not endure the thought 
that if he met with a Boojum he would " softly and suddenly 
vanish away," and that the Bellman " looked uffish and 
wrinkled his brow ". He was of course bound to conceal his 
emotions and to take an umshial view of the dilemma. So 
his reproaches are temperate 

" But surely, my man, when the voyage began 

You might have suggested it then, 

It's excessively awkward to mention it now." 

" . . . And the man they called Hi ! replied, with a sigh, 

I informed you the day we embarked 

I said it in Hebrew, I said it in Dutch, 

I said it in German and Greek, 

But I wholly forgot, and it vexes me much, 

That English is what you speak." 

The accounts of the Absolute in German and Greek are 
famous, while the Hebrew and Dutch probably both refer to 
Spinoza, who was a Dutch Jew, though he wrote in bad 
Latin. The forgetting to speak (and write) English is a 
common symptom in the pursuit of the Absolute. 

R 4, st. 13. 

" While the Billiard-marker with quivering hand 
Was chalking the tip of his nose." 

Art, when brought face to face with the imminence of the 
Absolute, recoils upon itself. 

The argument of the Fifth Fit is broadly this, that the 
Butcher and the Beaver both hit upon the same method of 
approaching the Absolute, by way of the higher mathematics, 
and so become reconciled. Into the reason of this coinci- 
dence, and the rationality of this method it boots not to 
inquire, the more so as it proved abortive, and neither of 
them were destined to discover the Snark. That they were 
brought together, however, by their common fear of the 
Jubjub Bird is interesting, and could doubtless be explained 
if we could determine the meaning of that volatile creature. 

Let us ask, then, what is the Jubjub ? In reply I shall 
dismiss, with the brevity which is the soul both of wit and 
contempt, the preposterous suggestion that the Jubjub is the 
Pelican. But I am free to confess that I have spent many a 
sleepless night over the Jubjub. Philologically indeed it was 
not difficult to discover that Jubjub is a ' portmanteau bird,' 
compounded of 'jabber' and 'jujube,' but even this did not 
seem at first to give much of a clue to the problem. Finally, 
however, it struck me that the author had, with the true 



A COMMENTARY ON THE SNARK. 97 

prescience and generosity of genius, himself stated the solution 
of the riddle in the line immediately preceding his description 
of the Jubjub. It is 

" Would have caused quite a thrill in Society ". 

It flashed across me that the Jubjub was Society itself, and 
if I may quote the account of the Jubjub's habits it will 
be seen how perfectly this solution covers the facts. 

" As to temper the Jubjub's a desperate bird 
Since it lives in perpetual passion." 

This describes the desperate struggle and rush which pre- 
vails in Society. 

" Its taste in costume is entirely absurd, 
It is ages ahead of the fashion." 

How profoundly true this is ! To be in Society this is what 
we must aim at ; we can never be in fashion unless we are 
ahead of the fashion. 

" But it knows any friend it has met once before." 

It is most important in Society to remember the people you 
have met even once, alike whether you intend to recognise 
them or to cut them ; otherwise vexatious mistakes will occur. 
There is subtle sarcasm also in the use of the term ' friend ' 
to describe such chance acquaintances. 

" It never will look at a bribe." 
Such is its anxiety to pocket it. 

" And in charity-meetings it stands at the door 
And collects, though it does not subscribe." 

No one who has ever had anything to do with charity- 
bazaars can fail to recognise this ! 

" Its flavour when cooked is more exquisite far 
Than mutton or oysters or eggs." 

The taste for Society is of all the most engrossing. 

" Some think it keeps best in an ivory jar 
And some in mahogany kegs." 

Some think Society appears to best advantage in an ivory 
jar, i.e., a 'crush' of ddcollettes women, others at a dinner 
party over the mahogany board. 

" You boil it in sawdust ; you salt it in glue." 

Dust is American slang for money, so ' sawdust ' is put 
metri gratia for ' sordid-dust '. That is, Society is boiled, i.e., 
raised to the effervescence of the greatest excitement, by 

7 



98 SNAEKOPHILUS SNOBBS : 

filthy lucre. " You salt it in glue." ' Salt ' is short for 
' to captivate by putting salt on its tail,' ' glue ' is put meta- 
phorically for * adhesiveness,' and the whole, therefore, means 
that Society is captured by pertinacity. 

"You condense it with locusts and tape." 

I.e., lest it should become too thin, you thicken it with 
parasitic ' diners out ' to amuse it, and officials (addicted to 
red tape) to lend it solemnity. 

" Still keeping one principal object in view, 
To preserve its symmetrical shape." 

The importance of keeping the proper ' form ' of Society 
intact is too obvious to need comment. It is hardly neces- 
sary to add also that the reluctance of the Mohammedan and 
the animal to face a society in which the female sex domin- 
ates to such an extent fully explains their common fear of 
the Jubjub. Lastly it is clear that a word compounded of 
jabber and jujubes, the latter being used metaphorically for 
all unwholesome delights, Turkish and otherwise, is a very 
judicious description of Society. 

The Sixth Fit is occupied with the interlude of the 
Barrister's dream, which seems to have been prophetic in 
character and throws further light on the Absolute. That 
Logic should dream of the Absolute will not of course sur- 
prise those who have followed the recent aberrations of the 
subject. Let us consider then this dream of Logic's. 

F. 6, st. 3. 

" He dreamed that he stood in a shadowy Court, 
Where the Snark with a glass in its eye, 
Dressed in gown, bands and wig, was defending a pig 
On the charge of deserting its sty." 

The pig was probably Epicuri de grege jiorcus, and the 
charge of deserting its sty was a charge of pig-sticking or 
suicide. For, as the divine Plato excellently shows in the 
Phado (62 B), to commit suicide is to desert one's post, 
and so to desert the four posts of the pigsty must be still 
worse. 

F. 6, st. 4. 

" The Witnesses proved, without error or flaw, 
That the sty was deserted when found, 
And the Judge kept explaining the state of the law 
In a soft undercurrent of sound." 

The Judge is Conscience, the exponent of the Moral Law, 
noted for its still small voice. 



A COMMENTARY ON THE SNARK. 99 

F. 6, st. 6. 

" The Jury had each formed a different view, 

Long before the indictment was read, 

And they all spoke at once, so that none of them knew 

One word that the others had said." 

The Jury is Public Opinion which was evidently (as so often) 
very much perplexed by the pigculiarities of the case. 

F. 6, st. 7. 

" ' You must know ' said the Judge ; but the Snark ex- 
claimed * Fudge ! ' 
' That statute is obsolete quite ; 

Let me tell you, my friends, the whole question depends 
On an ancient manorial right.' ' 

The question was whether the pig was free, or ascriptus 
harce, justly ' penned in its pen '. In other words, does being 
born involve a moral obligation to remain alive ? 
F. 6, st. 8. 

" In the matter of Treason the pig would appear. 

To have aided but scarcely abetted." 

For a soldier to desert his post is, or may be, treason 
hence the charge of treason against the suicide. 

" While the charge of Insolvency fails, it is clear, 
If you grant the plea ' never indebted '." 

The suicide is accused of insolvency, of failing to meet the 
obligations which life imposes on him. His reply is ' never 
indebted,' he owes life nothing, he received no ' stipend ' and 
will not be ' sued for a debt he never did contract '. 

F. 6, st. 9. 

" The fact of Desertion I will not dispute, 
But its guilt, as I trust, is removed 
(So far as relates to the costs of this suit) 
By the Alibi which has been proved." 

You prove an alibi by not being there. The pig's defence 
was that it was not there or not all there, in other words, 
not compos mentis. That is, the old excuse of temporary 
insanity ! 

F. 6, st. 10. 

" But the Judge said he never had summed up before, 
So the Snark undertook it instead." 

Conscience has to pronounce judgment upon the particular 
case, but this particular case has never occurred before ; hence 
Conscience finds itself unable to decide and leaves the matter 
to the Absolute. The attitude of Public Opinion is similar. 



100 SNAEKOPHILUS SNOBBS : 

" when the verdict was called for the Jury declined," and 
" ventured to hope that the Snark wouldn't mind undertaking 
that duty as well ". 

In the end the Absolute not only has to defend the offender 
and take his guilt upon Itself, but also, as ev teal irav, to assume 
all the other functions as well, to find the verdict and to pro- 
nounce the sentence. Its readiness to do this is suspicious, 
and suggests the idea that it was acting collusively through- 
out in pretending to defend the pig. 

" So the Snark found the verdict," where we are not told, 
but what we might have anticipated. 

" When it said the word GUILTY, the Jury all groaned 
And some of them fainted away." 

The verdict involved a shock to enlightened Public Opinion, 
like that of the Dreyfus case. The sentence after that seemed 
comparatively light and so was received with approval. 

" ' Transportation for life,' was the sentence it gave, 
' And then to be fined forty pound.' 
The Jury all cheered, though the Judge said he feared 
That the phrase was not legally sound." 

The sentence was of course absurd, for the suicide had 
already transported himself out of jurisdiction. 

F. 6, st. 15. 

" But their wild exultation was suddenly checked 
When the JAILER informed them with tears, 
Such a sentence would have not the slightest effect 
As the pig had been dead for some years." 

The JAILER, whose duty it is to keep the pigs in their styes, 
is the doctor. After all, you can do nothing with a successful 
suicide. 

F. 6, st. 16. 

" The Judge left the Court looking deeply disgusted : 
But the Snark, though a little aghast, 
As the lawyer to whom the defence was intrusted, 
Went bellowing on to the last." 

Though such events shock the Conscience, the Absolute is 
unabashed. 

The Seventh Fit is devoted to the Banker's fate and perhaps 
the most prophetic of any. For no discerning reader of this 
commentary can fail to recognise that it forecasts the en- 
counter of Judaism with Anti-Semiticism. Let us follow 
the description of this disgraceful episode in contemporary 
history. 



A COMMENTARY ON THE SNABK. 101 

F. 7, St. 3. 

" A Bandersnatch swiftly drew nigh 

And grabbed at the Banker, who shrieked in despair 

For he knew it- was useless to fly. 

He offered large discount he offered a cheque 

(Drawn to bearer) for seven-pounds-ten : 

But the Bandersnatch merely extended its neck 

And grabbed at the Banker again." 

The Anti-Semitic Bandersnatch shows that it cannot be 
bribed by insufficient ' ransom,' and that two can play at a 
game of grab. 

" Without rest or pause while those frumious jaws 
Went savagely snapping around, 

He skipped and he hopped, and he floundered and flopped 
Till fainting he fell to the ground." 

After the Anti-Semitic rioters had been driven off, it was 
found that the Banker 

" . . . was black in the face, and they scarcely could trace 
The least likeness to what he had been : 
While so great was his fright that his waistcoat turned white 
A wonderful thing to be seen ! " 

This alludes to the wonderful affinity Judaism has for 
clothing, and we may parallel this passage by referring to 
Shakespeare's (?) Merchant of Venice, Act ii., Scene 1. There 
an insult offered to his ' Jewish gaberdine ' produces a power- 
ful emotional effect upon Shy lock. Here conversely the 
ill-treatment of their wearer calls forth a sympathetic com- 
pensatory effect on the part of the clothes. 

In the Eighth Fit the Tragedy reaches its consummation 
and comment is almost needless. 

It must be read, not without tears, and every line in it 
confirms the view we have taken of the Snark. 

F. 8, st. 8. 

" Erect and sublime, for one moment of time." 

I.e., before becoming a moment in the timeless Absolute. 

F. 8, st. 9. 

" In the midst of the word he was trying to say, 
In the midst of his laughter and glee, 
He had softly and silently vanished away 
For the Snark was a Boojum you see." 

One can't help feeling a little sorry for the Baker person- 
ally, but nevertheless the verdict of Philosophy must be : 
" So perish all who brave the Snark again ! " 



XX. THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. 

II. MODEKN PHILOSOPHY. 

IT may have occasioned some surprise to the readers of 
this History of Philosophy to find how far down the range of 
Ancient Philosophy has been extended. But a little reflex- 
ion will show them that the dividing line has been drawn in 
the only logical place, viz., betiveen the dead and the living. All 
defunct philosophers must necessarily be esteemed ancient 
philosophers, inasmuch as after death a philosopher at 
once falls a prey to commentators, is no longer able to 
speak for himself, and cannot be asked to explain what 

the d he meant. He has in short won his way to the 

inaccessible. 

It is evident therefore that the distinction between the 
dead and the living is really the most important, not only 
for them, but also for us. Moreover (except for scientific 
purposes) a live lion is far more to be redoubted than any 
number of dead asses (be they as rare as quaggas !). And a 
fortiori the live asses are still more formidable. Recognising 
this we have thought it best to allow our living menagerie to 
raise its voice, each after its own kind. 

The only objection that could fairly be brought against 
our scheme of classification is that it is not exhaustive, and 
does not provide for a third and most numerous class, that 
of the dead-alive philosophers. Indeed it has been speciously 
maintained, in Hegelian quarters, that these are the truest 
philosophers, constituting the higher synthesis of the an- 
tithesis between the dead and the living. But whatever 
speciousness certain facts may give to this doctrine, it is 
clear that this division will not serve the purposes of MIND ! 
The aim of MIND ! is to stimulate rather than to depress 
philosophic interest, and it must therefore proceed by anat- 
omy and dichotomy. We have, however, by way of pre- 
caution, exacted an affidavit that he really is a live philosopher 
from all we proceed to celebrate. 



THE M.A.P. HISTOEY OF PHILOSOPHY. II. 103 

52. 

A learned professor called Smyth l 
Said, " Of Wisdom I'll tell you the pith- 
Contradictions I find 
In the Absolute's Mind, 
But believe in the Absolute 'S myth ". 

53. 

A staid Merton Fellow, named B- , 

Fell in love with the Absolute madly ; 

A big book he wrote 

Its perfections to note : 
The Absolute looked at him, sadly. 

54. 

An excellent Master, called C , 

His beard so unfrequently pared, 

That it grew to such length, 

And imparted such strength 
That no one to tackle him dared. 

55. 

If a man is what he eats, 2 
Living by cooking his meats 
(Absorb this, I pray, in your hookah), 

Then the Essence of Man, 

And his Strategy's plan, 
Must plainly depend on ' the Cooker '. 

56. 

Fairest Bairn, O Fairest Brother, 
Is each one both, or each the other ? 

On the Absolute musing 

Is very confusing : 
Personality seems such a bother ! 

57. 

''To amass erudition," said J , 

" Is poor fun : I've tried it and know it : 

But your son as a ruler 3 

Can keep comfy and cooler, 
On a thousand a year, Ma'am, and go it ! " 

1 The reason for this apparent departure from our rule of anonymity 
is obvious. Smyth is not really a name ; it is universal, not particular. 
It may therefore, as Aristotle says, be called oi/o/zn dopio-rov, as being 
applied to an infinite number. 

*Est quod est. 3 I.e. in the Civil Service. 



104 THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. II. 

58. 

"But, Sir," said the mother to Joke him, 

" There are better things " this to provoke him 

"Perhaps you are right 

To put it so, quite 
Two thousand, a year will not choke him ! " 

59. 

Herakleitos' loveliest daughter 

Understood him (because he had taught her) : 

By her Flame and her Fire 

She did men inspire, 
And still she's inspiring B . 

60. 

Of Platonists biggest, once B 

To Demeter offered a pig ; 

When they made him a light 

In the place of old B 

The Pelican danced a jig. 

61. 

When S to Oxford repaired, 

And Green's "incoherence" declared, 

" Of course we can still 

Go on, if we will, 
To Hegel " (or Hades), said C . 

62. 

Cried B " This is very Sidg- wicked ! " 

(Without him one cannot play cricket) 

" Our bottom's knocked out, 

For a Carpenter shout, 
And board it up, lest they should kick it ! " l 

63. 

New morals are taught by * the E ,' 

With Joseph's a bit of a clasher ; 

1 " This looks as if it might be fun and even fact, if one could fathom 
it. Can't you explain ? Is a ball or a bat the necessary instrument to 
see the joke withal in line 2 ? And is the Carpenter Alice's ? " ED., 
MIND ! " Both are sheer history and explain themselves. Note, how- 
ever, that Hegel has proved that a bat is a bird and not a bird, whose 
synthesis is absorbed as a moment in the dialectical chase of the 
Wild Goose. Per contra the (Estlin) Carpenter adores the Pelican."- 
AUTHOR. 



THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. II. 105 

He's great as a writer, 
Should rise to a mitre, 
But never will shine as a masher. 

64. 

A Waynflete professor named C , 

Was great on the Aryan Kace, 

On the birch and the bark, 

And the beech and the Snark 
(Alas ! I am wrong ! It was S !). 

65. 

The great Orientalist, S , 

Was stung by an asp in the face ; 

He knew all about cricket, 

Thought idealists wicked 
(Dear me ! I am thinking of C !). 

66. 

A man of both worlds is EN. B . 

Not only the newspapers ken it ; 

He follows the hosts, 

Investigates ghosts, 
And aspires to a seat in the Senate. 

67. 

Our Pedagogue, strenuous K , 

Has new ways to stop the boys cheating ; 

To fix their attention, 

I need merely mention, 
He lately gave each boy a beating ! 

68. 

Now Exeter's Tutor is M , 

A man of nigh twenty-five carat, 

No savage is he, 

Though trying to be 
(I can't get a rhyme for his merit !). 

69. 

An eloquent lecturer, B , 

Wished vainly his class would grow small ; 

Said he, "If it's true 

They teach well who teach few, 
They teach best who teach no one at all ". 



106 THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. II, 

70. 

Thomas F , of Corpus, our " Pre," 

A gentle Logician is he, 

His kindness and sense 

Are simply immense, 
For praises you may come to me ! 

71. 

We have a Wilde Reader named S , 

Most learnedly ready to spout 

Of birds, beasts and babes, 

And eke astrolabes * 
There's nothing he knows not about ! 

72. 

When the Absolute dreamt of a flea 2 
There sprang up a Tutor named L 

He worried It much, 

The Annoyance grew such 
That It cried, " I'll absorb him in Me ! " 

73. 

An astute Ass*- Tutor named S , 

Of MIND !'s Essence the subtle distiller, 

Above Corpus gate 

Jokes early and late, 
While the Pelican grins on her pillar. 

74. 

Our excellent friend, Henry S , 

With aesthetics was anxious to flirt, 

Of Dons, Babes and Duty 

He found out the Beauty, 
And urged us to put on a spurt. 3 

75. 

Reformer and Cricketer K , 4 

At Greenness he wittily mocks ; 

1 " What sort of beasts are these ? " ED., MIND ! " Poetical licence for 
psycho-physiological instruments in general ! " AUTHOR. 

2 Cp. Riddles of the Sphinx, p. 353. 

3 As Editor of a forthcoming (?) volume of Philosophical Essays. 

4 [On receiving this description of our esteemed contributor we at once 
wired to the Author : " Are you not confounding the persons ? John K 
and F. P. K are not the same. How many K es are there, and 
which do you mean, anyway? " Weeks afterwards came this haughty 
reply, on a post-card : " Don't know and don't care ! One or three, au 



THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. II. 107' 

Of his work much you'll find 
In this number of MIND ! 
Never mind if some fogies it shocks ! 

76. 
At Manchester Sam A 



Conducted a new propaganda ; 

Cried he, when a goose 

Approached with abuse, 
" Away with you, improper gander ! " 

77. 

Though hardly a moralist, T 

O'er perilous seas is a sailor, 

He imitates B , 

And does it not badly, 
Some think him at ethics a nailer. 

78. 

The greatest American J 

The Kantians call other names ; 

Let them say what they will, 

We adhere to it still, 
The Will to believe is Will J . 

79. 

A Cambridge idealist, W , 

Relentlessly put to the sword 

The naturalist crew, 

Till they cried : " That will do ! 
Professor, you've certainly scored ! " 

80. 

I'm Herbert the Sage, the De S 
Of truths that grow daily immenser, 

My thought is synthetic, 

Please take (with emetic !) 
In Collins' patent condenser. 

81. 

The Lady Victoria W- 
In vented a method to spell by ; 

choix. What does it matter ? Are they not all one in the Absolute ? 
But see Law Reports, vol. xlix., p. 666." 

On investigating this cryptic reference, we found only an account of a 
breach of promise case, " Howard i\ Knox," the relevance of which we 
were unable to discover. It did not appear that our hero was hi any 
way implicated. ED., MIND !] 



108 THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. II, 




She taught us Semantics, 
And other such antics, 
Significance truly to tell by. 

82. 

Though a faithful disciple, McT 

His own master Hegel quite staggered ; 
For he said, with a chortle, 
" I can prove I'm immortal, 
Beat that if you can, you old braggart ! " 

83. 

A mighty logician called V 

Soars frequently out of our ken, 

His logic ' Symbolic ' 

Don't try as a frolic ; 
With luck you may ' Chance ' it, but then 

84 

The great anthropologist, F , 

Writes wrapt in his toe-terns and blazer. 

While over his brows 

He wears Golden Boughs 
He cut off at Home with a razor. 

85. 

Though living at Florence, AW. B 

Ketains a sharp point to his pen, 

You'll find he makes jokes 

And fun at fools pokes, 
And cheers up the gods and the men. 

86. 

An excellent banker named C 

Denies the existence of God, 

Prefers Herbert S , 

Thinks matter grows denser, 

And will till he's under the sod ! 

87. 

At Yale, I was told by my dad, 
The boys are all taught by a L , 
When they row in the boat, 
'Tis Scripture they quote 
If the tale isn't true, it were sad. 



THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. II. 109 

88. 

His name is the Latin for ' dear/ 

His thoughts run on Science and Beer ; 

He edits the Monist, 

I fancy he's honest, 
But don't think they read him much here. 

89. 

The book of the Wisdom of W , 

Though written in Japanese slang, 

Aroused Iba Sotaro 

To mete out a deadly blow 
To Hoshi Toru and his gang. 1 

90. 

Said a Tutor of * * * 2 , Doll, 

" This doctrine I teach to my Coll. : 

'Tis no matter what you do, 

If your Truth 3 be only true ". 
And his truth was true to Doll ! 

91. 

A portly professor inclined 

To think Matter a function of Mind : 

Each day after dinner 

He thought himself thinner, 
No matter how well he had dined ! 4 

92. 

Another, who daily grew fatter, 
Held Mind was a product of Matter, 

Said he : " Mental growth 

And bodily, both 
Proceed from a well supplied platter ". 3 

1 Wang-yang-ming, the Japanese Kant, held that conscientious con- 
victions must be acted on at all costs, as divinely inspired. Hence 
when Iba Sotaro felt convinced that Hoshi Toru's influence was evil, he 
felt it was his duty to assassinate him. And he did. See the Times (4th 
Oct.) for the whole story. It is hoped that a selection of the Works of 
Wang will shortlv be published in Mind. 

2 " Of what, please ? "ED., MIND ! " Anything ! " AUTHOR. 

3 " How about this metre ? And in the original ' his heart was true to 
Poll '."ED., MIND ! " Bab Ballads ! "AUTHOR. 

4 "Who are these? Can't guess. Give more data." ED., MIND! 
" Leave it to you. The verses are universal their application only is 
particular. Only be particular about the application ! " AUTHOR. 



110 THE M.A.P. HISTOEY OF PHILOSOPHY. II. 

93. 

Smith, 1 thinking to help the Ideal, 
Spent his time proving Time was unreal, 

Till he cried out " Sublime ! 

I'm sure I've done Time ! " 
" Why, what did you do ? Did you steal ? " 

94. 

An Oxonian, addicted to rhyme, 
In his essays essayed to save Time ; 

When they gave him a Third 

He exclaimed : " How absurd ! 
To have killed it was surely the crime ! " 

95. 

A tale I tell to fill the world with grief 
For Martyr Smith, and beggar all belief ! 
Not mine an idle mass of futile fictions, 
But simple fact ; he died of his convictions ! 
" Convictions ? Heavens ! Did some brutal Bench 
Invoke the chose jugte in fashion French ? 
Was theft or treason of his crimes the chief ? 
(The good man Plato well has proved a thief 2 ) " 
Ah, no ! The fatal force that burst the links 
'Twixt him and life was Riddles of the Sphinx. 
Though not convicted, he was yet convinced 
He'd floor a book at which his elders winced : 
So, calling down a judgment on his pride, 
He read one sentence and then promptly died ! 

96. 

Von Deutschland's Denkern der Letzte, 3 
Irn Himmel das Ding an Sich setzte 

Doch der Teufel der kam, 

Das Ding an Sich nahm, 
Ihn hinterlings schandlich verletzte. 

97. 

Of maternal devotion, Pelican, 

Thou'rt symbol ; but now, swears a Mexican, 

\" What Smith again ? What Smith ? "ED., MIND ! " Anysmith." 
AUTHOR. " Lady Smith ? " ED. " See ad., No. 54, and if you don't like 
Smith, try Jones, or almost any monosyllabic philosopher." AUTHOR. 

2 Republic, 334 A. 

3 " Who is this ? " ED., MIND ! " Can't bother to enlighten you. Why 
don't you read the German Fachblatter 1 " AUTHOR. 



THE M.A.P. HISTORY OF PHILOSOPHY. II. Ill 

When blind, you are fed 
By your chicks till you're dead 
The story I fear is American. 1 

98. 

My rhyme now arrives at I , 

An attribute dark of divinity ; 

That it rose out of Nought 

But a misconceived Thought 
Is a truth they should teach you at Trinity. 

99. 

Though aged and useless, The 
In a race tried the Many to run, 

Then the interest grew, 

Till through wires there flew 
The message : " The Many have O ". 

100. 

Cussedness, Cosmic, Eternal, 
Of Being the innermost kernel, 

You're human, you're worse, 
Universal, perverse ; 

1 doubt not your work is infernal. 

101. 

And now let us hymn last the A , 

From It first did everything evolute ; 

If your mind you would lose, 

You must stand in its shoes, 
You'll find it a terrible Trapsolute ! 

IS Envoi. 

Cried a Passman, who read this, " Great S ! 

How did they compile all this rot ? 

Though clever thej^ be, 

I'm glad it's not me ! 
Philosophy ! Nonsense, it's not ! " 

1 See Darwin's Descent of Man, ch. iv. 



XXL THE ABSOLUTE AT HOME. 

BY A TROGLODYTE. 

A TRAGEDY 

IN 
ONE ACT (Actus Purus). 

Dramatis Persona. 

THE ABSOLUTE, absolutely at home. 

HER FOSSILLINESS THE UNIVERSAL, housekeeper to the 

Absolute. 

THE FATHER OF LIES, alter ego to the Absolute. 
TRUTH, a lovely maiden who has just come out. 
EXPERIENCE, a wise old teacher. 
INEXPERIENCE, her sister. 
Pholisophers, fools, fogies,, pedants, categories, schemata, eta 

SCENE I. 

The Father of Lies. Hallo, who is this sitting by the well ? 
A lovely girl, by Brahma, attractively disarrayed ! I must 
accost her. (Goes up to her.} Who art thou, pretty one? 
What is thy name and of what parents wert thou born ? 

Truth. It is borne in on me that my name is Truth, but 
what I am I hardly know as yet. You see I have only just 
come out. 

F. of L. Out of what ? 

T. Out of this well. 

F. of L. You are well out of it ! Ha ha ! And of your 
parents ? 

T. I know nothing, save that I read on the notice-board that 
' Truth is evolved out of Error by the immanent self-criticism 
of Experience'. But I know neither Error nor Experience. 

F. of L. Then you must be as wholly a priori as you are 
charming. I am delighted too to find that we must be nearly 
related. 



THE ABSOLUTE AT HOME. 113 

T. How? 

F. of L. Why, I am not only well acquainted with Ex- 
perience, but Error is indissolubly wedded to Falsehood, who 
is the offspring of Lies, of whom I boast myself to be the 
father ! 

T. I cannot follow the relation which, you say, results. It 
ought to be worked out on the notice-board. And in any 
case it seems to me that to be ' nearly related ' is not to be 
really related. A miss is as good as a mile ! 

F. of L. (Aside.} How easily innocence is sophisticated in 
these days ! (Aloud.) At all events you are not a miss, but. 
a most egregious 

T. Sir, do you doubt my honour ? 

F. of L. (Aside.) Pulled up again! (Aloud.) You mistake 
me ! I know you are a Miss in one sense, but in that I 
meant you are Nature's most stupendous hit, and do not 
come amiss to me ! 

T. You puzzle me, but if you mean well, you might tell 
me what I ought to do. You see, I do not know my way 
about the world as yet. 

F. of L. (A side.) Already she is trying to be practical! 
Keally the Absolute and I must take steps to stop this 
pestilent growth of Pragmatism. (Aloud.) I will see that you 
are properly launched upon the world. Come with me now 
and be introduced. 

T. To whom ? 

F. of L. To everybody. 

T. Where are you going ? 

F. of L. To the Absolute's, which is At Home to-day. 
So the whole world will be there and the half as well. It 
will be a great lark, for as Hesiod says ' the half is more than 
the whole '. 

T. What half? 

F. of L. The better half of course ! (I must not yet shock 
her !) The Universal too will be charmed to meet you. 

T. What are the Absolute and the Universal. 

F. of L. Sancta simplicitas ! What is the Absolute ! Why 
everything ! I can't possibly explain It. You must take It 
on trust. But the pholisophers all say that It is absolutely 
real. However I dare say, though It is at home to-day, you 
will soon find It out for yourself. (Aside.) I did long ago, but 
I always find it pays to praise It to others. (Aloud.) As for 
the Universal, there is a great deal I might tell you about her. 

T. Pray tell me. 

F. of L. In the first place she's the Absolute's housekeeper, 
and people do say a good deal more. But why should I 

8 



114 A TROGLODYTE : 

corrupt your innocent mind with the vile slanders of those 
who cannot see that to the profound all things are profound, 
and that a mystery and a deity can be made out of the* most 
unpromising materials, if only you keep them dark enough? 
Let it suffice you that without her the Absolute can 'or will 
do nothing, and that she receives all Its guests. 

T. I am surprised that people go. 

F. of L. Oh, one must not be too particular. Especially 
about the Universal. Besides, everybody has to go. 

T. I cannot. 

F. of L. Nonsense ! Why not ? 

T. You see how little of a dress I have for such a function. 

F. of L. Oh, that doesn't matter. The Absolute will like 
you, will address you and, I dare say, still think you over- 
dressed. 

T. I don't like your account of the Absolute at all. And 
how about the Universal ? 

F. of L. Oh, Her Fossilliness will mind still less. You 
see she isn't particular and indeed can't afford to be so. 

T. But why do you call her ' Her Fossilliness ' ? What 
does it mean ? 

F. of L. It's a little pet name I. gave her, because the 
pholisophers haven't yet found out how stupid she really is. 
But come you must, it's your chance and you ought to think 
yourself lucky. 

T. I suppose I must, but I never dreamt of becoming a 
' necessary truth ' so soon. [Exeunt. 

SCENE II. 

A. crowded reception at the Absolute's Home, commanding a fine 
view out of Space and Time. 

EXPERIENCE AND INEXPERIENCE. 

Inexperience. Do you know, sister, who the lovely girl was 
that old Father of Lies was taking into the Reception Room 
to be presented ? She seemed to me to be the realisation of 
all one's ideals of Beauty, Truth and Goodness in one. 

Experience. I feel sure that was Truth, though I can 
never quite make out whether she is three or one. I have 
never seen her here before. 

In. It seems a pity that she should be sacrificed to the 
Absolute. 

Exp. A burning shame. But I see no way to stop it, so 
long as the pholisophers approve of whatever happens to be 
traditional, and will not listen to me. 



THE ABSOLUTE AT HOME. 115 

In. Ah, there she comes again, running, and flushed and 
excited. 

(Truth runs up and throws herself at the feet of Experience.) 

Truth. Oh, protect me, you who look so wise and good. 
It was too horrible ! How could they offer me to such a 
hideous ogre ! 

Exp. Don't be frightened, dear, you are safe here and can 
trust me. Calm yourself and tell us what has happened. 
That is right. 

T. Well you saw how that horrid, wicked old Father of 
Lies took me in. When we got there it was quite dark, and 
I could make out neither the Absolute nor the Universal. 
But he stopped and cried out : ' Oh, Thou that art the Being 
of all beings, the Incomprehensible, the All-embracing, that 
wantest Nothing and hast Everything, lo, I present to Thee, 
Truth, the fair, the virgin, to have and to hold through all 
Eternity ! ' What right had he, I should like to know, to 
present me, seeing that I wasn't his to present ? 

Exp. You see you are so very presentable. And the 
Absolute, being utterly unpresentable, loves those like you, 
to absorb them. 

T. The horror ! But I must tell you what followed. Very 
soon after a hideous, shapeless, incomprehensible, intangible 
Something gathered round me. I could feel that It was trying 
to embrace me and nearly lost my senses. Still I struggled 
violently, but the cold, clammy, filthy Thing slobbered all 
over me. It was too disgusting for words. At last, in my 
despair, I drew out the sword with which I do up my hair, 
and stabbed at It furiously. Whether I killed It or not I do 
not know, but It relented. I got free, and managed to rush 
out as you saw. 

Exp. My darling Truth, how brave, what a heroine you 
are ! I see it all. 

T. But can you understand it ? 

Exp. In a way, yes. It is when the Absolute is absent- 
minded that It behaves like that, or even worse. You see 
ordinarily It is both the Same and the Other, Self and Not- 
Self, Identity in Difference, through Difference, by, with and 
from Difference. It is Itself through not being Itself, and 
thereby returning to Itself reconciled with Itself. When It is 
like that It generally behaves Itself ; at least the pholisophers 
say they can manage It. But when It is absent-minded, It is 
as it were beside Itself, and wholly Its Other (what the vulgar 
would call material), and then It thinks of nothing. Un- 
fortunately this happens very often of late, indeed, almost 
constantly, and produces ' the absolute identity of absolute 



116 A TKOGLODYTE : THE ABSOLUTE AT HOME. 

Idealism and absolute Materialism '. Nevertheless the pholi- 
sophers defend Its * going on the loose,' on the wretched plea 
that this is what It is etymologically bound to do, and that 
being thereby ' set loose,' It is more Absolute, more Itself : 
i.e., such is Its intrinsic form of ' Self-realisation '. But even 
so, it seems very sad and bad. Especially as, even at the 
best of times, It is firmly convinced (by Bradley) that Mor- 
ality is Appearance, and so not binding upon It. And when 
It thinks, It thinks so much of Itself that It always thinks 
that everybody is only too glad to be part of Itself. (Truth, 
indignantly, ' The idea ! ') and that It ought to embrace 
them. (Truth. 'Not me, thank you!') The Father of 
Lies of course knew all this and wanted you to be sacrificed, 
and absorbed by the Absolute, so as to become a mere aspect 
of It. But I am unspeakably glad that you have not only 
escaped from Its clutches, but helped others. For though 
you can hardly have killed It, you have certainly scotched 
it, and I fancy It will not readily recover. For the least 
resistance irritates It so much that it sets up a process of 
Self-diremption and disintegrates the lies which compose Its 
tissue. And the pholisophers also it will make so mad that 
they will become inarticulate, as well as unintelligible. And 
then, you know, it will be quite clear that they are no longer 
men, but either gods or beasts. 
T. I am delighted to hear all this. 

Exp. Come home then with me. We'll wash and have 
tea ! 



XXII.-THE INTERNATIONAL CONGRESS OF 
PHILOSOPHERS. 

BY THE JOKEE. 

MEMBEES OF CONGEESS. 

THE Pelkan. 1 

The Joker. 1 

The Phoenix. 1 

The Sphinx. 

The Wild Goose. 

A Philosophic Night Mare. 

A Duck's Egg. 

The World Egg (Kosmosoon). 

The Eozoon (of Canada). 

The Autozoon (of Plato). 

The Tyrannical Man (of Plato). 

The Goat Stag (of Aristotle). 

The Cock Horse (of Aristotle). 

The Seal (of Solomon). 

A Cygnet (of St. Johns). 

The Leviathan (of Hobbes). 

The Behemoth (of Hobbes). 

The Ass (of Buridan). 

The She- Ass (of Balaam). 

The Serpent (of Eden). 

The Serpent (of Eternity). 

The Bull (of Shiva). 

The Bull (of the Pope). 

The Cow (of Isis). 

The Absolute Cow (of Schelling). 

The Squirrel (of Bradley). 

A Herd of Chimeras (Bradley's). 

The Chimera Bombinans (of Duns). 

The Owl (of Hegel). 

The Owlets (of Oldham). 

1 Nullius addicti jurare in verba magistri. 



118 THE JOKER : 

The First Vertebrate. 

The Monera (of Haeckel). 

The Bathybius (of Huxley). 

The Pithecanthropus Erectus (of Dubois). 

The Eagle (of Prometheus). 

The Tortoise (of Achilles). 

The Nile Crocodile (of Chrysippus). 

The Mugger (of Kipling). 

The Prize Pig (from the herd of Epicurus). 

The Dog (befriended by Pythagoras). 

The Dog (of Newton). 

The Spider (of Bruce). 

The Ant (of the Sluggard). 

The Mallard Imaginaire (of All Souls). 

The Salamander (of Paracelsus). 

The Mock Turtle (of Carroll). 

The Dodo (of Dodgson). 

The Pigdog (sui juris). 

The Bees (of Mandeville). 

The Tree (of Porphyry). 

The Pine (Fichte's). 

The Lotus (of Buddha). 

The Umbrella (of Kant) \ f 

The Wall (of Plato) } for a ram ? 

Ursus Spelaeus, the Cave-Bear. 1 

SCENE. The Happy Hunting Grounds, an open prairie plenti- 
fully sown with wild oats. 

The Joker. (Aside.) Do you suppose, Pelican, that the 
Cygnet really knows the way to the Congress? 

The Pelican. Oh, yes, he knows all about Congresses. 

The Cygnet. I fancy we shall find it round this corner. 

Joker. Yes, here we are. What a queer lot they are ! I 
apologise, Cygnet, for beginning to get anxious. You are a 
capital guide. 

Pelican. Yes, and when he grows up he will make a capital 
swan. He is already quite stout. 

Cygnet. I am glad there is such a good meeting. There 
must be nearly fifty present. But do you know any of them ? 

Pelican. I know them nearly all. Do you see that very 
owlish old owl, for instance, sitting on that ragged poplar- 
like tree yonder ? 

Cygnet. Yes. 

Pelican. Well that is Hegel's Owl sitting on the Tree of 

1 Alias, Ed. of MIND! 



THE INTERNATIONAL CONGRESS OF PHILOSOPHERS. 119 

Porphyry. It's no use going to talk to her, for whatever any 
one says she always hoots. 

Cygnet. Why does she do that ? 

Pelican. Oh, she pretends to think nobody has done any- 
thing since Hegel mentioned her and made her famous, and 
nothing new or true has been said since. Let us rather talk 
to that eagle there. It's Prometheus' Eagle, who feeds daily 
on the vitals of Prometheus, but can't kill him. So he is a 
great authority on the mystery of suffering. Hallo ! Eagle ! 
Have you found Prometheus' vitals yet? or do you still treat 
them as victuals ? 

Joker. Could you oblige me with an answer to the riddle 
What is life without the liver ? 

Eagle. No, the answer to that question concerns Pro- 
metheus, not me. All I do is to effect his daily delivery. 

Pelican. Just let me stop that Wild Goose which is whizzing 
past. What's the matter, Goose? why be in such a hurry? 

Goose. Oh, it's an awful business ! They were chasing me 
as usual, and I was terribly upset and dropped my egg, and 
now I can't find it ! 

Pelican. (Pointing to the World Egg.) Why, what's this? 
Isn't this yours ? 

Goose. I do believe it is ! Thank you ever so much, my 
dear Pelican. I can't think how you always manage to find 
things so cleverly in the most unlikely places ! Now I should 
never have expected to find my poor egg at an International 
Congress of Philosophic Beasts. However, I'll sit down on 
it at once, else they'll be chasing me again, and I'll never 
get it hatched. (Sits down.) 

Pelican. That's her monomania you know she's always 
imagining herself ' chased '. But you'll see she won't sit on 
it long ! 

Joker. Hallo, here's the Fowler. 

Pelican. Atrocious ! What right has he to be here ? 

Joker. I suppose he is attracted by the quantity of rare 
birds he sees. 

Pelican. I don't care, he shouldn't be allowed to scare us : 
it's very inconsiderate of the Committee ! 

Joker. Calm yourself, Pelican, it is not the Wild Fowler 
nor even the Warde Fowler ; look at him ! 

Pelican. Oh, of course, it's the Tom Fowler, who is sure to 
be everywhere, and a very dear friend of mine ! But why 
haven't you brought your beetles or stick-insects or whatever 
they call them to the Congress ? 

T. Fowler. Because I am no longer Vice-Chancel lor and 
am enjoying myself. 



120 THE JOKEK : 

The Wild Goose. Oh, I am sure I've been sitting on the 
wrong egg ! What shall I do, Pelican ? I feel certain that 
it's a Duck's Egg and nothing will ever come of it ! 

Pelican. Nonsense ! The Duck's Egg is lying quietly in 
the Philosophic Night Mare's Nest over there. Sit still and 
don't worry us ! 

Joker. If you don't like one egg, try another, i.e. be alter- 
eggoistic ! 

Goose. I'm sure it's a bad egg ! It's so cold and must be 
addled ! Do come and look at it. (Gets up.) 

Pelican. Well, it does look a little like the Curate's. But 
it may be good in parts. 

Joker. Oh, blow it ! 

Pelican. Gracious no ! It might explode ! 

Goose. They're after me again ! 

Joker. Who? 

Goose. The pholisophers ! I must fly ! (Flies off.) 

Cygnet to Pelican. Do you really think it is all only a 
delusion of hers? 

Pelican. Hush ! The Doctors of Pholisophy all say so, 
and I mustn't commit myself. Let us move on and look at 
the other freaks. 

Joker. Well, tell us who they are. Is this great cobweb, 
for instance, supposed to be symbolic of philosophic thought ? 

Pelican. Oh, that has, I expect, been spun by Bruce's spider 
this morning. 

Joker. How frightfully energetic ! What does he expect 
to make by it ? 

Pelican. Oh, his great ambition is to catch a Behe-moth, 
But even if he doesn't, it keeps up his ethical reputation. 

Joker. And what, pray, are those extraordinary creatures, 
assembled round that restless little squirrel in the cage ? 

Pelican. I think that must be part of Bradley's menagerie ! 

Cygnet. Yes, I recognise them. That is a herd of Assorted 
Chimeras. And the squirrel had to be shut up on account 
of its fierceness and lest it should grow too like the Absolute. 1 
I dare say, if you look carefully, you will also find some of 
his theological, psychological and other monsters. I know 
all about them because I have introduced most of them to the 
British Public. I hear, however, he has got rid of his dog. 
They quarrelled about the reality of time. The dog's first 
principle was 'Whatever smells is real,' and Bradley could 
never convince him that thyme did not smell. 

Joker. Are not all these monsters dangerous neighbours ? 

1 Cp. Appearance and Reality, p. 172. 



THE INTERNATIONAL CONGRESS OF PHILOSOPHERS. 121 

Pelican. Oh, you needn't be afraid ! See how he has treated 
his chimeras and monsters. They are all pounded, cut, 
battered and slashed, and in no condition to hurt a fly. Be- 
sides they are only appearance. 

Joker. How horrible ! He seems to be a regular Dr. Moreau 
in his operations upon the creatures of his fancy ! But why 
doesn't the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Philo- 
sophic Animals intervene. 

Pelican. Oh, I suppose the mutilation also is Appearance. 
But here come the Owlets. Let us ask them what has been 
going on. Be welcome, Owlets, and come into my wings ! 
Tell us what has happened so far. 

1st Owlet. Oh, they began by reading a long letter of regret 
from Darwin's Missing Link, explaining that he could not 
come, because he could not find himself and so could not 
afford it, and denouncing the Pithecanthropus Erectus as an 
impostor. Then they had a difficulty with Jonah's Whale, 
who objected that the water in shore was so shallow that he 
feared to get stranded and wanted a special dock constructed 
that he might attend. So the extremists wanted to put him 
in the dock on a charge of lese-majeste, but the Congress 
finally contented itself, though not him, with pointing out 
that Hobbes' Leviathan had raised no such difficulties. So 
now he is staying in the offing wailing. You can hear him 
when the Owl stops hooting. 

Pelican. There are so many noises that it is hard to make 
out who produces what whence. And after that ? 

1st Owlet. Oh, they had a squabble about the credentials of 
the Tyrannical Man. 

Pelican. Of course he could not be admitted to a Congress 
of Philosophic Beasts ? 

1st Owlet. Well, he quoted passages from his author to 
show that he was not only a beast, but many beasts. 

2nd Owlet. And then by a revulsion of feeling they actually 
voted him into the chair ! 

3rd Owlet. I think that was really in order to render him 
helpless. For you know the Speaker hardly ever speaks. 

1st Owlet. After that the Phoenix delivered an address on 
Purification by Fire and the Necessity of Ee- Birth, which 
was generally regarded as quite unscientific and unworthy of 
the twentieth century. 

Pelican. And what is going on now ? 

1st Owlet. If you hurry up you may hear the end of the 
Serpent's speech on the Future of Philosophy. 

Joker. What Serpent is speaking? The Serpent of Eter- 
nity? 



122 THE JOKER : 

1st Owlet. No, that always wears its tail in it's mouth, like 
a whiting, and so of course it can't speak. It's the Old Serpent 
of Eden, who can speak most persuasively. 

Joker. Oh, we ought to hear him ! But as we go, Pelican,, 
would you mind just explaining to me why all you birds take 
such a leading part in the proceedings and seem to know all 
about everything? 

Pelican. I suppose it is because we can fly and best find 
out which way the wind blows. 

(They reach the platform.) 

Serpent. . . . And now, Beasts of Philosophers, I have shown, 
in words, indeed, and more briefly than is demanded by the 
dignity of the subject, that the Future of Philosophy depends 
on the Future of Philosophers, and that the Future of Philo- 
sophers depends on their maintaining their proper obscurity. 
A philosopher understood, or capable of so being, is necessarily 
a philosopher misunderstood ; for a philosopher understood 
rightly ceases to be such and to be esteemed as such. For a 
philosopher the sole commandment is the eleventh ' Don't 
be found out ! ' In it and by it all the rest are absorbed, 
transmuted and transcended. In philosophy levity is the 
destruction of gravity, brightness of insight, clearness of pro- 
fundity. Let me beseech you therefore to shun the false 
goddess Lucidity, whom the vulgar ignorantly reverence, as 
you would the D , I mean the Daily Male, and to culti- 
vate with a whole-hearted unanimity the Unintelligibility to 
which you can all attain in words, even if you cannot in thought. 
And finally, to give practical effect to this recommendation, 
Beasts of Philosophers, let me move that henceforth the Ab- 
solute be substituted for the Deity, as the exclusive object of 
philosophic reverence, and that whosoever shall refuse after 
one year to fall down and worship It, shall be imprisoned 
and condemned to read the Phenomenology of Absolute Nonsense 
for life. 

(Great Sensation ; even the Owl stops hooting.) 

The Autozoon. Beasts of Philosophers, in spite of the 
demoniac and almost Demosthenean eloquence of the last 
speaker, I move as an amendment that the whole body of 
philosophers be promoted to the world of Ideas, regardless of 
the public expense. 

The Pelican to the Joker. As if they would go ! That Auto- 
zoon is an incorrigible idealist ! But at all events he is in 
favour of the Intelligible against the Unintelligible. For the 
Ideal world is in intelligible space (TOTTO? VOTJTOS). 

(A great commotion, out of ivhich the First Vertebrate slowly 
emerges.) 



THE INTERNATIONAL CONGRESS OF PHILOSOPHERS. 123 

The First Vertebrate. As the oldest, with the exception of 
my honourable friends the Bathybius, the Monera and the 
Eozoon, of those here assembled, as the ancestor certainly of 
the most prominent members of this distinguished company, 
may I be permitted to make a few remarks on this important 
question ? (Cries of Oh ! No ! Divide ! The Owl hoots furiously.) 
I see that you do not know who I am. You think I look a 
worm and am a worm. Well, you should not judge by 
appearances. I was a worm, but am a worm no longer. I 
have a chorda dorsalis. I am THE WORM THAT TURNED and 
so became a VERTEBRATE. Into the history of my struggles 
and my sufferings I will not enter. Suffice it to say that I 
felt the divine impetus to progress and at last made my way 
out of my native obscurity, and if not yet beautiful, I am yet 
suggestive. I therefore strongly deprecate any return to 
obscurity of any kind. Should you however decide in favour 
of darkness, I solemnly warn you, I shall turn again ! I shall 
become a Eevertebrate, and on my return the universal pro- 
cess of Cosmic Dissolution and Degeneration foreshadowed by 
Spencer must necessarily ensue ! 

(Indescribable sensation. The Owl hoots.) 

Autozoon. I rise to withdraw my amendment. It appears 
that' we are not unanimous. I cannot understand it at all. 
For we ought to be unanimous and united. I object to the 
harsh measures proposed by the Serpent, and am confident 
that if we only knew each other better and met more fre- 
quently all differences could be reconciled. (Great applause. 
The Owl hoots.) But I confess I hardly see what measures 
should be taken. 

Pelican. Beasts of Philosophers, before we can be reconciled, 
must we not first of all find out what are the various views 
that have to be reconciled? (Hear ! hear ! The Owl hoots.) 
I propose therefore the appointment of a Committee of In- 
quiry into the State of Philosophic Sentiment, with a view 
to ascertaining what possibilities of agreement exist. And 
secondly I demand a show of paws and claws on the motion 
of the Serpent. (To Joker.} That, I think, will dish the Ser- 
pent ! He has neither ! 

(The Tyrannical Man puts the question, and after a pause declares 
that on a show of paws the Serpent's motion is rejected by 48 to 3, 
and the Pelican s carried.) 

Serpent. In order to show my acquiescence in the sentiment 
of the Congress I propose that the Pelican and the Joker be 
appointed to the Committee of Inquiry with power to add to 
their number. They are, I fancy, well versed in inquiries 
into the eccentricities of sentiment. 



124 THE JOKER I INTERNATIONAL CONGRESS. 

(Carried by acclamation. The Owl still hoots.)' 

Pelican. He thinks he has inflicted the devil of a job on 
us. But we'll beat him yet ! Come along and let us collect 
some representative opinions from those who have not yet 
said anything. 

Joker. All right. Let us ask this very emaciated donkey. 
He looks extremely representative. 

Pelican. What ! Buridan's Ass ? It's no use asking him. 
He can't make up his mind even to eat his hay. That is 
why he is so thin. 

Joker. Then let us listen to that Lotus. I have never yet 
heard a flower that could talk, and what it says might be 
interesting. 

The Lotus. Om mane padme hum. 

Pelican. How do you think, Lotus, we can best secure the 
future of Philosophy and the agreement of Philosophers ? 

Lotus. Om mane padme hum. 

Joker. Is that all ? Say it again slowly ! 

Lotus. Om mane padme hum. 

Pelican. Come away, Joker, and leave it to om mane padme 
hum. It's an automaton and can say nothing else. Let us 
rather ask the Sphinx who has sat silent and looked wise all 
this time. Sphinx, wake up ! Whose are you, QEdipus' ? 
or an Egyptian ? 

Sphinx. No, Schiller's. 

Pelican. All the better, tell us what you think. 

Sphinx. I have many things in and on my MIND ! Let us 
appeal to the British public and publish them ! 

Joker. Bravo, Sphinx ! That is the solution. You alone 
of us all seem to be Compos Mentis I 

(Exeunt omnes, except the Owl, left hooting, and Duns' Chimera, 
left ' buzzing in the void '.) 



XXIII. NURSERY RHYMES FOR PHILOSOPHIC 
BEGINNERS. 

I. Pretty MlND ! 

11 Where are you going to, my pretty MIND ! ? " 

" I'm going a-begging just now, Sir, I find." 

" And whom will you beg from, my pretty MIND ! ? " 

" Whoever is witty, Sir, whom I can find," 

" And where will you find any, my pretty MIND ! ? " 

" Wherever the eyes, Sir, of people aren't blind." 

" Can I be of help to you, my pretty MIND ! ? " 

" I think so. To help me I'm sure you are kind ! " 

2. 

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner, 

Heading his Christmas MIND ! 
When to jokes he would come, he'd pull out the plum 

And say, " 'Tis a capital find ! " 

3. Nova Mentis ! 1901. 

Twinkle, twinkle, Little Star, 
Won't they wonder what you are ? 
Up above the fogs so high, 
How they'll hate you till they die ! 

4. Pretty MlND ! again. 

" Where are you going to, my pretty MIND ! ? " 

" I'm going to puzzle some folks, Sir, I find." 

" And how will you puzzle them, my pretty MIND ! ? "" 

" By laughing at folly of every kind." 

" And why will you puzzle them, my pretty MIND ! ? "' 

" Because, Sir, pholisophy funny I find." 

" But think you this profits us, my pretty MIND ! ? " 

" I hope, Sir, to open the eyes of the blind." 

" But that were a miracle, my pretty MIND ! ? " 

"Ah, but my jokes, Sir, are wondrous refined." 



1'26 NURSERY RHYMES FOR PHILOSOPHIC BEGINNERS. 

5. The Hen and the Pan. 

Muddily, Maddily, Men, 

The Pan has swallowed the Hen ! 

Maddily, Muddily, Man, 

The Hen has jumped from the Pan ! 

6. f -'Ev Kal Hav. 

Humpty D - was the Great All, 

Humpty D had a great fall, 

Not all the Hen's asses, nor all the Pan's men 
Shall put that old incubus on us again ! 

7. Great Hav. 

Great Pan is dead, 
There's little to be said : 
Had it been his father, 1 
I would much rather ; 
Had it been his Other, 
One's joy one could smother ; 
But now it is Pan, 
You're free again, Man ! 

8. 

I do not like you, Dr. Fell, 
The reason why I'd like to tell ; 
But after all it's just as well, 
I cannot tell you, Dr. Fell. 

9. Reason and Feeling. 

Said Twaddledum to Twaddledee 
" I'm sure that you'll agree with me ! " 
Said Twaddledee to Twaddledum 
" I cannot help it, I am dumb ! " 

10. The One. 

There was an old Owl who lived in a Shoo ! 
Annoyed by the Many who at her would boo, 
She gave them some Hegel without any bread, 
And whipped them all soundly and put them to bed. 

1 " Whom do you mean ? The father of Pantheism ? "ED., MIND ! 
"Of Lies." -AUTHOR. 



NURSERY RHYMES FOR PHILOSOPHIC BEGINNERS. 127 

11. Mr. Bradley's Postulate. 1 

If ' musts ' and ' cans ' 
Were Hens and Pans 
There 'd be no need for thinkers ! 

12. Three Blind Mice. 

Three Blind Mice, see how they run ! 
They all run after the B -'s hoax, 
Who quickly in action their interest chokes, 
And cuts off their power to see any jokes ! 

Three blind mice ! 

13. 

Old Mother Hegel 

Tried to inveigle 

A poor god into her home ; 

But when he came there 

She stripped him quite bare 

So this is the end of the pome ! 

14. To Mrj "Ov. 

There is an abstraction called Nothing-at-all, 
Concerning which pholisophs terribly pall : 
If Something be Nothing, and Nothing be All, 
Then what is the Meaning of Nothing-at-all ? 

15. 

Hey diddle diddles 

The Sphinx and her Riddles ! 

The Owlets no answer could find, 

The Pelican smiled to see them so wild 

And printed the answers in MIND ! 



Usually formulated as ' What must be and can be, that therefore 



XXIV. THE WELBY PRIZE. 

LADY WELBY, whose interest in clearing up intellectual 
fogs and purifying the philosophical atmosphere is well 
known, has offered a prize of 1,000 to any philosopher who 
can produce adequate documentary evidence to show that he 

(1) Knows what he means. 

(2) ,, ,, any one else ,, 

(3) ,, every one 

(4) anything 

(5) everything else 

(6) Means what he says. 

(7) means. 

(8) ,, ,, every one else ,, 

(9) ,, ,, ,, ,, says that he means. 

(10) Can express what he means. 

(11) Knows what it signifies what he means. 

(12) ,, ,, it matters ,, ,, signifies. 

At first sight it might seem as though the Twelve Labours of 
Hercules would be in comparison with this a slighter achieve- 
ment. But in view of the extensive and peculiar knowledge 
of the Absolute's Mind which is now possessed by so many 
philosophers, a large number of solutions may confidently be 
expected. These should be sent in to the Editors of MIND ! 
Corpus Christi College, Oxford, be/ore the issue of the next 
member. 



XXV. CBITICAL NOTICES. 



irepl (frvo-eo)?. Erste vollstcindige Ausgabe. Von 
Prof. Dr. PEELLEB. 

THE name of the supposed author of this curious work, M. 
Anaximandros of Miletos, is new to science, and but for the 
sponsorship of so well-known a savant as Dr. Preller, one 
would be inclined to suspect a hoax. As it is, it may charit- 
ably be supposed that M. Anaximandros was an autodidact, 
He appears to have been a man of great ingenuity and varied 
scientific interests, if, as appears from Dr. Preller's learned 
introduction, he set up sundials at Sparta, calculated the peri- 
meter of the earth, cast horoscopes, and tamed Sciotheres, 
Nevertheless we can not agree that this sumptuous collection 
of his papers was at all called for. Scientifically it is not too 
much to say that what is true in them is Darwinian and what 
is new in them is unsound or unintelligible. And unfortu- 
nately, M. Anaximandros corrupts what science he possesses 
by an obscure and gratuitous metaphysic. He regards all 
things as differentiations of the Infinite (for so it would seem 
we must translate his "ATreipov, though it is by no means clear 
whether it is a mathematical or material infinite or the un- 
defined matrix of elementary evolution). But what is the use 
of so vague a principle ? 

Coming to biology, we note that M. Anaximandros is a 
thorough-going evolutionist, who adopts a number of Dar- 
winian doctrines. He holds that organic life originated in 
the water, and that the hard chitinous and calcareous coats 
and spines of primitive fishes, Crustacea and insects were 
protective. In his ingenious and well-reasoned argument, 
that man must have been evolved out of the lower animals, 
on account of the prolongation of his helpless infancy, which 
would otherwise have proved fatal to the survival of the 
nascent human race, he seems to be unaware that he has 
been anticipated by Prof. Fiske some time ago. Nevertheless 
it must be admitted that he appears to have reached all these 
results independently, and though he tells us little about them, 
it is evident that he has made prolonged and careful observa- 

9 



130 CRITICAL NOTICES I 

tions. As an exhibition of scientific enterprise and interest 
on the bigoted and barbarous coast of Asia Minor M. Anaxi- 
mandros' work deserves a word of praise. 

0. T. POULTISON. 



Aristokles : irepl 

We had hoped to present our readers with an exhaustive 
criticism of this important work, by one who is undoubtedly 
the most competent and trustworthy authority on the true 
Socratic doctrine, viz., Lieut. -Gen. X. N. O'Fun, V.C., 
F.E.G.S., etc., but just as we were going to press we 
received from him the following message by wireless tele- 
pathy. 

" Profoundly regret cannot send ' Critical Notice ' of 
Plato's book. Owing to strikes, stock of asbestos paper run 
out. Industrial revolution imminent. Infernal nuisance. 
Just off on Antarctic expedition. Never MIND ! or say die ! " 

In spite of this disappointment we have managed to secure 
what should interest our readers, viz., an authentic and con- 
temporaneous advertisement, giving an excellent idea of the 
way in which the Republic was received by the Press on its 
first appearance. 



A NEW AND IMPORTANT WORK ON PHILOSOPHY. 
Hep! IIoXiTCiag. 

By 

ARISTOKLES, THE SON OF ARISTON, LL.D. 

Perpetual President of the Athenian Academy, Hon. Member 
of the College of Nomothetse, Officer of the Laconian 
Legion of Honour, etc. 

Extracts from Press notices : 

Nits says : " Will undoubtedly be widely read and excite 
much controversy, but is too extravagant to live ". 

Physis : " Its science is crude, but its advocacy of Artificial 
Selection should prove interesting to biologists ". 

Theates : " Its tone is admirable, and we enjoyed the first 
and last books immensely. The central books can hardly be 
meant to be taken seriously." 



URSUS SPEL^US, More Riddles from Worse Sphinxes. 131 

Laconist : " Every patriotic Laconian should read it. The 
Ideal State is practically ours." 

Agora Howler : "A venomous display of aristocratic ran- 
cour, whose author should be prosecuted under the 



Phylax : " Treasonable enough to put a severe strain on our 
traditional policy of the utmost literary toleration ". 

N.B., The Chronoi are giving away a copy to each purchaser 
of their Athenian Encyclopaedia. 



Studies in the Hooligan Dialectic. By J. E. M. TAGRAG. 

Pp. 259. 

MR. TAGRAG is an enthusiastic admirer of the Hooligan 
Dialectic, which he regards as the method destined to reform 
Logic and revolutionise Philosophy. We confess that these 
hopes of Mr. Tagrag's seem to us somewhat sanguine, 
not to say sanguinary, and cannot find in the Hooligan 
Dialectic much beyond a systematisation of the old Argu- 
mentum Bacidinum, for which arm-chair philosophers have 
always expressed their contempt with impunity. Neverthe- 
less by his very full and curious account of the methods of 
"mafficking" Mr. Tagrag has deserved well of Science, 
while his lucid discussion of the difficult problem (p. 139) 
of whether a girl subjected to the osculatory attentions of a 
promiscuous crowd acquires more cheek or less cheek, is 
delightfully luminous and convincing. On the whole we 
have to thank Mr. Tagrag for an interesting volume which 
no serious social philosopher can afford to ignore. 

A. CAVEY. 



URSUS SPEL^EUS, M.A., More Riddles from Worse Sphinxes. 

WHEN our colleague and friend the Editor of Mind volunteered 
to contribute to our pages a review of this epoch-making 
work, we naturally thanked him, and regarded the matter 
as settled. Hence it was no slight shock to be informed 
by our trusty reviewer, shortly before going to press, that 
after using all known methods, including the extraction of 
the Infinite Eoot, he had found the Kiddles insoluble, and 
the Sphinxes indomitable. Fortunately a happy thought 
soon struck us (in the frontal region). We remembered 
that our Office Boy had severely sprained his ankle, in his 



132 CRITICAL NOTICES. 

anxiety to imitate the barbarous manners of his Troglodyte 
ancestors, and so happened to be well qualified for the role 
of CEdipus. We at once put him on half-pay and set him the 
following Conundrums to guess : 

1. Why did Ingram By water? 

2. Why was Bacon bought ? 

3. When does B bawl ? 

4. Why did B burn it ? 

5. Whom did L love? 

6. Why can't the Baldwin? 

7. When is Keats Keats? 

8. Why was B blunt ? 

9. Why did S sully? 

10. What did Carveth Kead ? 

11. Why did B bustle ? 

12. Why was M married ? 

13. Why did Suleika? 

Our confidence was not deceived. In due course we were 
provided with the subjoined replies, whose relevance may be 
conjectured : 

1. Because he could not buy Stout. 

2. Because there was a Bidder. 

3. When K Knocks. 

4. Because he couldn't Locke it. 

5. A Nietzsche. 

6. Because Kant couldn't. 

7. When he isn't Keatinge. 

8. Because W - was wily. 

9. Because he was to Grose. 

10. Mere Cormorant. 

11. Because nobody Cared. 

12. Because he went to Kirk. 

13. Because she did not know Joseph (Yussuf). 

If, after that, any one wants Worse Riddles from More Sphinxes, 
we pity him ! 

ED., MIND ! 



XXVL NOTES AND NEWS. 

WE cull the following from the Ecclesia Guardian ($v\ai; 
K/c\r)o-ias) of 1st April, 399 B.C. : 

" We have to announce to-day the long-expected death 
last night of a well-known character of old Athens, Sokrates 
the son of Sophroniskos, of the deme Alopeke. All who 
knew * old Soak ' (and who did not ?) will not be surprised 
to learn that death occurred somewhat suddenly, in conse- 
quence of his drinking something wiiich disagreed with him. 
Much sympathy is expressed for his hard- working and highly 
respected wife, Xanthippe, and her young family, who are 
left quite unprovided for and will probably come upon the 
second half of her husband's name." 

The Theates remarks : 

" The literary w6rld has been greatly excited by the death 
of Sokrates. It is rumoured that many of our best-known 
men of letters, including Aristokles, the son of Ariston, and 
Xenophon, the son of Gryllos, are already engaged upon 
biographies of the defunct celebrity, which are confidently 
expected to mark an era in the history of philosophy." 

In a later issue the Ecclesia Guardian says : 
" It is with considerable reluctance that we are compelled to 
return to the distasteful subject of the death of Sokrates, the 
son of Sophroniskos. But, presumably on the principle that 
any stick is good enough to beat a dog with, a most extra- 
ordinary legend has been constructed about this event by 
the aristocratic literary clique whose rancorous hatred of 
democratic institutions appears to shrink from no excess of 
falsehood and absurdity. Our correspondent in Syracuse 
writes to us in great concern, to know whether it is true, as 
he has been positively informed, that Sokrates was condemned 
by the dicastery and compelled to drink the hemlock, on a 
(really political) charge of impiety. Now, of course, every one 
in Athens knows that hemlock was not the favourite poison 
of poor ' old Soak ' and that the cause of his death is far 
more likely to have been absinthe, but in order to check the 
circulation of such falsehoods it may be well to state the 



134 NOTES AND NEWS. 

exact facts. The report of the Superintendent of Police 
shows that the alleged victim of democratic spite was found, 
on the night of the 20th of Elaphebolion last, lying uncon- 
scious on the steps of the Prytaneum, and taken to the 
lock-up. The police surgeon diagnosed the case by smell 
and in accordance with the known character of the deceased 
as syncope, but has since admitted that at his age the im- 
mediate cause of death may have been an apoplectic seizure. 
The patient never recovered consciousness, and died at day- 
break in the prison, a fact which seems to be the only element 
of truth in the monstrous fictions which have been circulated." 



Students of philosophy will have been greatly concerned to 
hear of the death of Empedokles, the discoverer of the Ele- 
ments, of the Great Law of Universal Polarity and of the 
Rhythm of Evolution and Dissolution. As various painful 
and absurd rumours have been circulated with regard to the 
circumstances of his death, we quote the following authentic 
account of the accident from Physis of the 10th of Boedromion, 
428 B.C. : 

" It is with great regret that we record the sad death of Dr. 
Empedokles, the best-known citizen of Akragas. Dr. Em- 
pedokles, whose attainments were equally remarkable as a 
physician, philosopher, poet and statesman, was accustomed 
to spend his summer vacation in the scientific exploration of 
his native island, and it appears from the Syracuse Herald that 
it was on one of these expeditions that he fell a victim to his 
scientific zeal. He had set out with a small but well-equipped 
party to ascend Mount ^Btna, with a view to making seismo- 
logical observations on the summit. The ascent was success- 
fully achieved, but Dr. Empedokles' scientific ardour subse- 
quently induced him to attempt to explore the crater. He 
had descended about a hundred feet, when he suddenly fell, 
overpowered apparently by the sulphurous fumes issuing 
from the volcano. The body could not be recovered, but at, 
great risk of his life, his assistant secured one of his sandals 
which had fallen off on to a projecting rock It has been 
deposited in the temple of Apollo at Akragas." 



We regret to state that Hegeloiosis (77 yeXoiwo-i?) is still 
rampant in certain philosophic circles. The Doctors of 
Philosophy appear to be quite incapable of coping with the 



NOTES AND NEWS. 135 

ravages of this insidious disease, which, originally made (for 
export only) in Germany, has now assumed the proportions 
of a cachinnational danger. 



We hear Prof. * * * has espoused the cause of the Absolute. 
It is rumoured that Mrs. * * * was about to sue for a divorce 
on the ground of bigamy, but was advised that the courts 
would probably hold that the Absolute had no cause. 



MIND ! is not going to be substituted for Bacon in the 
Honour School of Lit. Hum. It is asserted, however, that 
the Board of Faculty saved its bacon by a narrow majority. 




XXVII. NEW BOOKS. 

Sense^ and Sensibility. By JANE AUSTEN. 

[IT is we believe in a romance of Jean Paul Richter's that 
two young people, a brother and sister, are described as 
being too poor to buy books, but as making amends for the 
deficiency by composing books for themselves, to suit the 
titles of those they saw advertised. It occasionally happens 
that a reviewer, as short of time as this ingenious pair were 
of money, has recourse to a somewhat similar method, con- 
structs the book, that is, from its title, and criticises it accord- 
ingly with results of a sometimes rather startling character, 
as the following extracts from three representative organs of 
European opinion may serve to show.] 

" Verfasserin dieses Werkes ist die beriihmte, von Macau- 
lay als Vermittlerin zwischen Deutschland und England 
neben Shakspeare hochgepriesene Feministin Jane Austen, 
die schon in ihrer wertvollen kulturhistorischen Arbeit 
Pride and Prejudice gegen die engherzigen Vorurteile und 
den anmassenden Stolz der englischen aristokratisch-hoch- 
kirchlichen Gesellschaft einen kraftigen Stoss gefiihrt hat, 
wahrend sie gleichzeitig als Dichterin der Persuasion gegen 
die Zwangsehe und fur die Eechte der freien Liebe mutvoll 
aufgetreten ist. In der vorliegenden Abhandlung sucht die 
beredte Vorkampferin ihres Geschlechtes der Wurzel des 
Uebels naher zu treten indem sie durch eine Reihe der 
scharfsinnigten Analysen die feinsten Fasern des weiblichen 
Empfindungsvermogens bloss legt, und endlich siegreich 
bis zu einer rein monistischen, bzw. materialistischen, alle 
Dissonanzen verwischenden und alle G-egensatze versohn- 
enden, Weltanschauung durchdringt. Wir begriissen dieses 
treffliche Buch als ein erfreuliches Zeichen dass auch auf 
brittischen Boden, wo Eecht und Wahrheit sonst am 
spatesten liber die Bewusstseinsschwelle zu steigen pflegen, 
endlich die Morgenrote der Frauenemanzipation anhebt." 
Moria Roth im " Mautwurf". 

" M. Lombroso nie la sensibilite chez les femmes. Mile 
Austen affirme au contraire dans sa qualite de femme qu'elles 



NEW BOOKS. 137 

-sentent parfaitement bien, et meme que la sensibilite est un 
petit signe particulier que la nature leur a donne en propre. 
Voila un assez joli debat engage. Lequel des deux a tort, 
lequel des deux a raison ? Nous laissons volontiers la reponse 
a nos lecteurs et surtout a Mesdames nos lectrices." La 
Nuit Noire. 

"Miss Jane Austen is, we believe, a sister of Miss Sarah 
Austen, the well-known author of Pride and Prejudice, and 
nearly connected with the Poet Laureate. The name of the 
family is a guarantee for sound workmanship. . . . Miss 
Austen is not one of those who fancy that human aspira- 
tions can be measured by an electrometer." The Garden 
Critic. 

The Cardinal and His Conscience. By ETERNAL HOPE. 

As might have been expected, the ill-assorted couple are 
soon parted. The How should be read, to understand the 
Why. The author differs from Mr. Bradley in esteeming the 
What above the That, and maintaining the transcendent im- 
portance of knowing What's what in the Here and Now. 

TWITTAKER. 

BOOKS RECEIVED. 

We hope to do justice, or more, to the following publica- 
tions in subsequent issues. 

Posthumous Selections from the Good Intentions (First and Second) 
of Philosophy Professors. Edited by A. LUCKY CHANCE 
and published by the Hades Publishing Co., Edition 
de luxe, on asbestos paper, 5 5s. 

The Psychological Baby. Its Care and Cure. Authorised trans- 
lation from the American of Dr. KINDERSPOTT, Pro- 
fessor of Paedology in the Washbosh Abnormal School, 
Wis. 

Der Halbweltschmerz. Seine Bedeutung und seine Behandlung. 
Von Kurarzt Dr. BLUNDER. 

Types of Ethical Theorists. Illustrated by F. GARROTTERS 
GOULD. 2 vols. 

The Will to Deceive. By Dr. JIMJAMS. 

More Hegelisms from Worse Hashish. By BiLJAMES EFFENDI. 

The Spirit of Modern Frivolity. By Prof. R. E. JOYCE. 

A Treatise of Inhuman Nature. By DAVID X. HUME. 

A Butler's Apology. By A. SILVER SPOONER. 

An Emetic Psychology. By TARTAR E. METIQUE. 



138 NEW BOOKS. 

The Hypo-Critical Philosophy of Cant. 3 vols. Translated by 

Sir TAINE NIGHT-MAEE, Kt. 
Braddlenstein and His Monsters. By RITA. 
On the Misinterpretation of the Nondescriptures . By Preben- 
dary TWADLEE. 

Drinking, Billing and Cooing. By E. W. ANGELL, Ph.D. 
The Progress of Moral Disorder. By SALLY MANDEE. 
The Problem of Misconduct. A Study of Infant Phenomenology. 

By A. NAYLOE. 

The Future of Geloiocracy. By DE TOQUE" VILLE. 
The Syntax of Sense. By the Author of the Grammar of 

Science. 
Time and Trouble. A key to the Philosophy of Reflection. By 

A METAPHYSICIAN OF EXPEEIENCE. 
Instinct with Reason. By H. RUTGEES, Marshal of the U.S. 

A(rmy). 
Modern Psychopompology. By HEBE KiTCHENEE, M.A., 

Ph.D. 

A Bare Outline of Psychopompology. By the Same. 
The Voyage of the there. By the Same. 
A Handbook of Practical Geloiology. By A. SCOFFINGHOUE. 
Paralelogismena and Perierga. By the Same. 
The Secret of MIND ! By A. POUND STEELING. 
Talks to Preachers. By the Author of Side Talks to Girls. 
The Theory and Practice of Ignorance. By A. CEICHTON, 

Professor of Metanoiology and Physametics in the Sage 

and Onions School of Pholisophy. Troy Town, N. J. 1 
Informal Logic. For Ladies. By ANNA LODGICK, Sc.D. 
The Elements of Analogic. An Autobiography. By A. LODG- 

ICK, Sc.D. 

Outlines of Comic Pholisophy. By JOHN FEISKE, LL.D. 
Social Ecstatics. By HEEBEET MACKINTOSH. 
Lectures on Human and Animal Pedagogy. By A. WoODD 

VEDDAH. 

Some Emotions and a Pill. By A. PAIN. 
Plain Truths about the Absolute. Id. (2d. Coloured). 
The Good Hegelian and the Bad Infinite. An Ethical Dialogue 

for Sunday Schools. By JOE KING, D.D. 
Advice to an Ingenuous Youth aboiit to Stiidy Pholisophy. By An 

ASTUTEE. 

Attempts at Degrees of Truth. For the use of Candidates. 

Universe Extension Handbooks, No. 1. 
Prometheus. Unbound in Paper Covers. By P. B. SHELLY, 

1st edition. 

1 N. J. = Not, apparently, New Jersey, but No Joke. 



NEW BOOKS. 139 

The Double Eagle and the Gold Standard. A plea for Orni- 
theology versus Capitalism. By W. J. PRIAM. 

The Philosophy of the Unconscionable. By E. von MANNHARDT. 

The Squirm Spasm. A Theory of Absurdity. By Prof. JOACHIM 
JONES. 

The Origin Series, L, The Origin of Genus, II., The Origin of 
Specie. By C. STAEWIN. [The Origins of Deference, 
Property and Accidents to appear shortly.] 



XXVIII. ANSWEKS TO CORRESPONDENTS. 

COLNEY HATCHED CHICKEN. If you have lost your MM, 
get another from Messrs. Williams & Norgate. 

WOULD-BE MIND ! READER. Of course you can try Tele- 
pathy, but we expect a postal order would be more satisfactory. 

MULTIPERPLEXED PERSONALITY. If you have lost your 
Sympathetic Unity of Apperception, put yourself in a doctor's 
hands at once. The police are practically useless in such 
cases. 

TUTOR. Your symptoms indicate incipient fossilisation of 
the cortex. You should try the MIND ! cure. 

MATERIALIST. If you think MIND ! does not exist, call at 
our office (without your revolver) any morning between ten 
and one. 

INDIGNANT OPTIMIST. It seems very unfair. You had 
better inquire of the Eternal Cussedness. 

PESSIMIST. If life is not worth living, you might try 
whether death is worth dying. 

PLATONIST. No ; we did not notice any new Ideas at the 
Universal Exposition. The Idea of the Beautiful was ires 
chic et tres Parisienne : the Idea of Truth just a little over- 
dressed. 

INQUIRER. Consult our back numbers for new Weltan- 
schauungen. You should find no difficulty in disposing of 
your last 2nd-hand. Second-hand Weltanschauungen are 
usually firmly held, and realise good prices at auctions. 

SPECULATIVE PHILOSOPHER. (1) The Hades Exploration 
Co. is a sound undertaking with immense possibilities. Its 
management has not always been good, but you had better 
hold your shares for a rise. (2) The Fairbairn Pastoral Co. is 
an investment you are likely to do well by holding. (3) The 
Absolute Ego Mine seems to us greatly over-capitalised and 
we do not see how you can receive any returns. Moreover 
its promoters have not hitherto been fortunate in their 
undertakings. 

t Hj6\aarr). You have our entire sympathy. It was 
mere carping ' Sidgwickedness,' which is best disregarded. It 
is outrageous to be asked to change the convictions of a life- 



ANSWEES TO COEEESPONDENTS. 141 

time merely because they finally land one in contradictions. 
Do not, therefore, on meeting such, yield to the cruel and 
cowardly ' instinct of trying to get rid of them '. As for 
' distinguishing between the contradictions which are evi- 
dence of error and those which are intimations of a higher 
truth,' why not adhere firmly to the simple rule that the 
former are those of others, the latter your own ? In this way 
you simply cannot go wrong, or at least cannot be convicted of 
having done so. 

AEISTOPHANES. We regret that we cannot publish your 
contribution. Some respect must be shown to the elementary 
canons of decency even in flattering the Absolute. 

HEEETIC. We dare not publish your amusing but para- 
doxical paper, Wliy should Philosophy be dull ? at present. As 
for Philosophers, there is no reason why they should be 
dull in future, if they will only read and support MIND ! 
assiduously. 

FOURTH YEAE MAN. (1) A little rhubarb and more phys- 
ical exercise should be beneficial. (2) Ask your doctor as to 
what is the proper regimen ' for the Schools '. (3) Your tutor 
probably knows what he is about in recommending " Aperients 
and Diareality". (4) We do not agree that "morality is 
appearance " and that it is " impossible for a philosopher to 
save Appearances ". 

SCIPIO PUBLICANUS. We greatly like your method of 
establishing the spirituous nature of the Absolute by showing 
that it is ''above proof," and agree that it constitutes a 
distinct advance on Hegel's. It is certainly shorter. We 
hope to publish your paper in a subsequent issue. 

PERPLEXED KANTIAN. We are glad to be able to assure 
you that the Mystery of the Categorical Imperative has at 
length been solved. It is neither more nor less than MIND I 
With its contents you should lose no occasion to render 
yourself familiar. You will find thrice as many really neces- 
sary truths on a page of MIND ! as in a volume of Kant or 
Hegel. 




WANTED, for the purposes of Science, a GENTLEMAN who would be willing 
to devote himself to a life of absolute EGOISM. References to reputable 
moralists given and required. Apply to DIRECTOR of Moral Experiment 
Station, Exeter. 

WANTED IMMEDIATELY, for Teaching Purposes, an INTELLIGIBLE 
ABSOLUTE. Money no object. Apply to "Tutor," c/o Ed., MIND! 

WANTED TO EXCHANGE (owing to former owner's retirement from 
business) a pair of GREEN PARROTS (in Cairdboard Cages). Guaranteed 
to talk. A Hen- and Pan-coop would be accepted in exchange. " Novus 
Homo," c/o Ed., MIND ! 

WANTED an ANCILLARY PHILOSOPHY. Good Wages. Comfortable home. 
"Theologia,"Keble. 

FOR SALE a number of CATEGORICAL IMPERATIVES : for use on the Tow- 
path. " Moralist," c/o Ed., MIND ! 

A CULTURED and Refined HOME for DECAYED SHIBBOLETHS is offered 
by a married Tutor of an ancient College in one of our oldest uni- 
versities. Terms moderate and inclusive. " Senex," c/o Ed., MIND ! 

LECTURE JOKES AND CATCHWORDS! Supplied by the MIND! 
Publishing Co. Fit guaranteed at first hearing. Send for our price 
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"Thanks to your new CATCHWORDS I have at last overtaken the 
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restored to me. It is a great relief to be no longer a paralogism, and I 
feel that I owe my athletic rehabilitation entirely to you." 

ALL EXAMS prepared for by our New Methods. Hypnotic Coaching, Mind ! 
Reading, Suggestions, Clairvoyance, Prophecy SUCCESS ASSURED. Our 
travellers regularly visit all the Examiners and by MIND ! READING ascertain 
their intentions. The Scholastic Preparation Syndicate, Oxford. 

FOR SALE by Private Treaty. A UNIQUE MS., recently discovered in 
Egypt, of HEROTTIDUS, BOOK X., containing his account of the 
HYPERATLANTEANS, their Manners, Customs, Philosophy, etc. Collectors 
of Americana please note. 

SELF-RE AL-ISATION (Unlimited) in Bankruptcy. The Official Receiver 
will register the claims of the credulous against this concern. They 
may be proved up to the 31st of December. 

THE NATIONAL HOME FOR BACKWARD AND REFRACTORY PARENTS, 

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for descriptive pamphlet to MANAGER. 



A DISTINGUISHED CRANKOLOGIST 

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